To ask SAHM’s, do you tell your husband/SO where you are in the day if you’re going out?

[CDWM]

Whether it is going to the shops, supermarket or going for a pub lunch, do you inform your husband/SO of your whereabouts? This applies to those who have children who may be with them in the day, or children who are at nursery/school meaning you are on your own in the day.

Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen.

presumably you have a mobile phone with you, so problem solved!

Anything else is a big no. Unless you do happen to live in a war zone or something, but I am guessing you don't. Thank him for his concern, but no need to go over the top. Either he is controlling and that's not acceptable, or he is suffering from massive anxiety and he needs to work on that.

We always have our iPhone locations turned on in iMessages.That way we always know where each other. It’s not a control thing, merely so we don’t have to keep texting each other
Yeh that’s a control thing, I have no need to know everywhere my husband goes when out and about and nor should he know my whereabouts constantly.

@princesshollysmagicalwand

Having read your update, unless he is usually controlling (in which case I would seriously reconsider being a sahm and putting yourself in a position where you're reliant on him for money) I would maybe consider if this is coming from a place of anxiety.

When my eldest was small and DH wanted to take her out to give me a break I used I insist on him telling me exactly what their plans were and I would be cross if he didn't do as he'd told me. It wasn't because I was trying to control him it's because I was a total anxiety riddled mess, so scared that something was going to happen to DD that I lost a bit of perspective and reason.

Thankfully he - kindly - pointed out how my behaviour made him feel (like a totally incompetent parent, which he was far from!) and over time and with some therapy I managed to knock it on the head. We're done now and I could care less where he takes the children as long as they have fun.

Just a different perspective. Is this request how he usually treats you or is it something new?

I was also thinking this

There is a difference between somebody being genuinely anxious / overcautious and somebody being abusive. Be aware that pregnancy / birth of a child is a recognised trigger for domestic abuse starting (because the baby is now your priority, and DH may not like that)

Trust your instincts. If it feels controlling, it probably is

We usually chat in the morning about our plans for the day so he usually has a rough idea. Also he works from home so I might send him a message if I’m out to let him know if we’re going to be home later than normal so he can go ahead and have lunch without us.

If he comes back from somewhere and we’re not home he wouldn’t be worried but obviously it would come up where we’d been when we got back as part of normal conversation.

I guess it depends if you suspect your husband is genuinely a bit controlling or if it’s just he’s a nervous first time dad? Surely in the morning you’ll just chat about what you’re doing anyway so it’s a bit of a non issue unless he’s trying to stop you doing certain things?

If I’m going to the shop I’ll text him to see if he wants anything, sometimes I’ll send him pictures of the kids at the park etc but neither of us go out of our way to tell the other one what we’re doing all day. The only time is if we say we’ll be back at a certain time but then get delayed, then we will just say “I’ll be back at 7 instead of 6” He would never expect me to tell him what I’m doing/where I’m going

@2155User

We always have our iPhone locations turned on in iMessages.

That way we always know where each other

It’s not a control thing, merely so we don’t have to keep texting each other

That's okay if both of you are genuinely 100% happy with it. Personally, I wouldn't be

I was only a SAHM for a short while but, no, I wouldn't. We only talked when one or both of us was at home or at work if we had to. Why would anyone do that?

You say you aren’t quite sure how to manage this.

Sit down and tell him gently but straight ‘When I am at home with the baby taking care of them will be my job. You are going to have to trust me to do that job responsibly. I don’t constantly check on you to make sure you are doing your job safely and you are going to have to show me the same level of respect’. Get it out in the open straightaway before this control has a chance to escalate.

Depending on how the request is broached depends on why he is asking this but either way no it doesn't need to be the case.

Dp was overanxious for some time after I had been very ill. He did keep asking me to let him know , I understood why but it carried on past my recovery . I had to actually point out it was treating me like a child and he needed to trust I could manage things if there was a problem. I had to actually used the word infantilising because she was behaving as if he was the only person who could handle things if there was an issue. He in fairness was horrified at himself and admitted he probably had started to think like that (in his defence for a time I was unable to walk or speak properly but I had recovered since) . He instantly took a step back apologised and worked to change his perspective.

Now , we only really mention it outside of conversation if we are all in the house and letting each other know where we are going because well....as another pp said it would feel wierd to just skip out the door without a word.

If however he sticks to his expectations that you inform him it would be a simple no from me. It's not happening stop asking.

I doubt he cares about your safety so much as curtailing your freedom of choice.

Only if I'm going into town and I'm asking if he needs anything while I'm there, or maybe in general conversation, I might say "I think I'll nip into town after the school run tomorrow". Or if I'm going away for the whole day or if I might not be home by the time he gets home from work. But he doesn't expect me to tell him my whereabouts.

My husband and I can track each other's phones so other than in general conversation I wouldn't really say specifically when I'd be home or not when I was off on maternity. He can check if he's interested what I'm up to but not sure if he ever did. My husband has a long commute each day so I like to be able to track where he is. Helps with planning dinner and if to keep DS up so they can say goodnight, it's not in a controlling way so neither of us mind. I think it depends on him and where he's coming from by asking.

I’ve been a SAHM for about 10 years now (argh). DH might know what we are doing if I’ve told him my plans in passing - ‘ooh on Tuesday we are meeting up with/ I might go & collect XYZ / do you want anything from town’ but no, I don’t give him a rundown of each day & our locations.

We lived overseas for a few years & I had a bank card on his account that sent him a text message every time I spent money with the amount & shop name. I hated it!

To give your DH the benefit of the doubt, you’ve got a new tiny baby that feels very vulnerable & all absorbing, maybe he’s just in that bubble stage still & worrying about baby out in the big wide world & will get over it. Because it’s not a reasonable expectation!

@CDWM

Thanks for the replies. I am going to be a SAHM very shortly with our first born. Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house as he is concerned about our safety and would like to know where we are incase anything were to happen. It does feel controlling to me hence why I asked the question here. I think if I don’t update him in the day he will probably come home and ask what I’ve done all day to find out where I’ve been. Not quite sure how to manage this.

Say to him you will tell him if you are going on an 'outing' (probably in advance), but not if you are shopping or in the park. That's too ridiculous because, if there was an accident or anything like, he'd be told soon enough anyway.

You need to relax when you're at home and it would be no fun if he was insisting on keeping an eye on you.

I’m not a SAHM anymore but DH didn’t always know where I was. I might have mentioned in passing if meeting friends or, as others have said, “I’m going to M&S is there anything you want” or “have you got anything for the dry cleaners”.

He is WFH now and I always put my head into the office and let him know if I’m going out (often by miming if he’s on a call). This morning I’d told him when he brought me a cup of tea that I would be going to get bread for lunch so I didn’t say anything to him but his office overlooks our driveway so he would have seen me leave.

However, he is perfectly able to track my iPhone OR our car if he really wants to. He often uses it to have a cup of tea ready for me! I can’t track his phone (work phone) but I can track the car and his iPad if he’s on the train.

I think demanding to know your every move is a bit OTT.

he is concerned about our safety

This seems an odd thing to say. Does he normally monitor your movements?

I have been a SAHM for 15 years, Dh worships the ground I walk on, same feelings toward our children, we made sure I had a very safe car as I did all the school runs, but at no stage did he monitor my every movement.

Saying he is concerned about your safety, hmm, what exactly is unsafe about you leaving the house? It feels controlling, does he afford you the same courtesy? Does he tell you when he leaves his office to get into his car?

General vague stuff about my day as in I am going to X is there anything you want me to pick up. But if I just decided I was going, I would just go. Most of the time Dh is in meetings or dead spots in his building so I can't get hold of him anyway (I could if it was an emergency). He is happy when there are desk moves and he is near a window and actually gets a signal in the building.

We always have our iPhone locations turned on in iMessages.
That way we always know where each other
It’s not a control thing, merely so we don’t have to keep texting each other

No not a control thing at all and not a communication failure either.

Or did you want to say you know where your partners phone is?

He sounds controlling. Why wouldn't you be fine if you happen to have gone out? I realise I answered from the wrong perspective before. When my dh used to be in the office and I was working from home, I never used to message him to say I was going out. I would maybe say I'm going to get my nails done today or I'm going to the shops but not which specific time or anything.

I prefer to tell him if I’m going somewhere other than our local town. It’s not controlling, it’s staying aware and safe. We’ve both been caught up in IRA bombs (very peripheral) and both text if we are doing something out of ol the ordinary.

OP - I think that is really worrying Has he persuaded you to give up your job? Does he think it is a good idea that you give up your job?

Controlling men often mask their need to control under concerns of 'safety'.

I would not recommend you become a SAHM to a man who is talking like this. You can feel yourself already that it is not right, can't you?

I once stopped dating a man (called him John) because he told me that, when he was married, his brother had called him to say he saw John's wife's car, somewhere not near their home, and he asked if John if he wanted him to follow her. And John said yes. That is weird as fuck.

I generally give him an overview of what we have planned just in conversation but i dont give him an hourly itinerary and it would only be the big stuff i had planned so
"Im popping to tesco tomorrow before meeting X at the park do you want anything" or "were going to the beach with X tomorrow and will probably eat out so youll need to sort dinner for yourself"

This isn’t coming from a place of anxiety, I do feel it’s more control. He’s not the most controlling person but there are certain behaviours which I’m not comfortable with. The choice to be a SAHM is mine and he supports it and I won’t be doing it forever so that’s not an issue.

My next issue is that most of our money tends to be joint and we have a small amount individually each month. My individual amount won’t be enough to cover my current expenses (makeup etc) and lunches out with the baby or activities etc so I know he will tell me to spend baby related stuff from the joint account. I know this is also a way for him to monitor what I am up to and potentially criticise it. Any ideas on how I should have finances setup?

I've never been a SAHM, but DH was a SAHD for a while due to illness. He used to tell me what his plans were in general conversation, but if they changed he often wouldn't tell me until later what he had done with DS. Sometimes if he went somewhere nice (the football museum in Manchester for example) he would text me photos of DS, but he wasn't obliged to tell me and I liked hearing about stuff later over dinner if there was anything interesting to talk about. I was less interested in a trip to Asda or the petrol station

Husband has mentioned a few times that he expects me to tell him if we leave the house

Also sounds like he is expecting you not to leave the house often.

I probably do tell him any big trips out etc and he knows our usual routine. Just because he is interested and in case of emergency. And yes an emergency like that has happened where I didn't answer my phone and DH fortunately knew exactly where we were.