AIBU - Friends wedding

[Happygogoat]

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

It's so annoyingly patronising.

She's not a very good friend if you think she will be annoyed you can't go. Bite the bullet now and decline. It's too stressful for either of you to leave it until nearer the time.

You can't plan your kids around her wedding anymore than she can plan her wedding around your kids. You both just need to get on with it. I would do as a PP suggested and take her out for lunch or something before the big day.

She's not a very good friend if you think she will be annoyed you can't go.

No. She's not a very good friend if she is annoyed you can't go.

@Happygogoat I must be in the minority but I don’t think you’re overthinking. You’re worried she don’t realise you can’t attend and that she’ll feel disappointed and let down. It’s very natural and kind of you to want to manage that disappointment.

I would message saying something about the new date clashing with your due date and that you’re sorry you won’t be able to attend and ask about taking her out before the wedding (and due date) to make up for it.

Sigh
The OP hasn't suggested that just because the bride does not have children she will be selfish.
@AintNoMaryPoppins you are the only one being patronising.

@lovelylovelove

Sigh The OP hasn't suggested that just because the bride does not have children she will be selfish. *@AintNoMaryPoppins* you are the only one being patronising.

So why mention her childlessness then?? If that wasnt being used as an explanation as to why OPs friend would not be understanding and would be an arse about her coming or not, why mention it?

That's my point. There was literally no reason to mention it at all.

But unfortunately it's a very typical feeling on MN that you see often. People who don't have children just don't understand anything at all. Even the simplest of situations I.e. that someone can't attend a wedding immediately after/before birth. No they couldn't possibly understand.

No one has said that before you have children you don't understand anything at all.
It's just in my experience and a lot of other peoples experience before I had children I would understand that a friend could not make it to my wedding because she just had a baby but I maybe wouldn't totally understand why.
It's not that someone who hasn't had children is selfish they just don't have that total understanding which is completely fair.
My friend has a child who is autistic. We both have children. I accept that her circumstances are different to mine. But I will never understand totally what she is going through. She explains to me and I empathise.

And I agree with the other posters, if she has a history of being selfish and thoughtless to your circumstances cite that, not the unrelated fact that she doesn't have a child

Precisely this. What is the relevance of her childlessness if she has a history of being like this? No one can seem to explain what the relevance is. Because there isn't one.

before I had children I would understand that a friend could not make it to my wedding because she just had a baby but I maybe wouldn't totally understand why

I'm not saying that the friend would totally understand why. Just that many childless women would understand and not be an arse about it just because they haven't experienced it themselves.

I just don't get why someone must have experienced childbirth to understand that someone might not be able to attend something straight after/before? It's a very, very simple thing to understand. It's not hard even without 'understanding totally why'.

If OPs friend is an arse about it, she's an arse. Her status as a parent or not is irrelevant.

@Lovewithalampost
I can see you’re struggling. And I’m sorry. Your posts sound so angry that I feel physically sick reading them. I cannot imagine feeling as you do. With all sincerity I do wonder if you would benefit from some therapy.

I think the main point though is that in her initial post, the OP stated that being childless the friend would not be/have understanding lovelylovelove - whereas in your post you have quite clearly said you might jot know the details but you would understand your friends position.

This is bullshit, every labour is different- do we assume that someone who has had a fairly straightforward labour couldn't possibly understand the experience of someone who has experienced an episiotomy or PPH? Of course not, we would assume empathy as a basic, even without a personal experience of it.

I think OP just worded it poorly and meant that this particular person is one of those people who wouldn't put themselves in the other persons shoes until they had done the same themselves.

I think you just tell her and take it from there - you never know, she might have been waiting for you to tap out but didn't want to make you feel unwanted by assuming that from the start.

but to me that influences my next steps and approach.
For heaven's sake.... what a drama.
Next steps and approach?
Just tell her you can't go because your baby is due at the same time.
You could have told her 20 times in the time you've been on this thread overthinking whether she's going to be pissed off and won't understand.
Tell her today that you can't go and see how she reacts. If she kicks off which you seem to think she will, it's tough shit. It's not going to change your decision. This whole thread is about how she might react.
She might surprise you and say, "Of course, I understand completely. I'll miss you but I know it can't be helped". And if she doesn't say something like that then do you really want her as a friend anyway.

And if she doesn't say something like that then do you really want her as a friend anyway.

It depends on the scale of her reaction, but again, I'd emphasise to the OP that if the friend is only a little narked or unhappy about the situation then being sympathetic and forgiving about that would be the way to go.

We're all coping with disruptions and disappointments and stresses due to the pandemic, and if a friend has a grumpy moment because yet another thing is spoiled because of the arsing virus, the nice thing to do would be to forgive them.

(Lord knows my husband and I would not have survived lockdown without the ability to forgive each other for grumpy transgressions of manners - MNers are all too ready to dismiss people for showing an ounce of human emotion.)

(I'd also add that some friends of mine who married earlier and proceeded on to kids can have a blase attitude that subsequent weddings/events etc are less exciting, forgetting that the same friends happily made a big song and dance for their wedding - by all means not a universal attitude, but a profoundly twatty one in some quarters.)

She sounds thoughtless at best or a bit of bridezilla! Say no OP, it's not hard you have a very good reason!

She sounds thoughtless at best or a bit of bridezilla!

Based on what?! All the friend has done is asked people to let her know their plans.

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Lovewithalampost
I can see you’re struggling. And I’m sorry. Your posts sound so angry that I feel physically sick reading them. I cannot imagine feeling as you do. With all sincerity I do wonder if you would benefit from some therapy.[/quote]
@MummyofLittledragon. Was this an attempt at a joke? This is a really weird over dramatic thing to say.

No it was not a joke. Having suffered from infertility then had a child, finally, no. I found the person’s reaction so ott myself and was attempting to be kind - rather than berating them or mirroring bile.

Come on @Mummyoflittledragon, you’ve missed the sarcasm in that post. It was received in the spirit by which it was intended by the op who apologised. Your response saying they needed therapy is bonkers.

This thread is surely a classic!!