AIBU - Friends wedding

[Happygogoat]

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

Hi @Happygogoat
As someone who got married 2 years ago, I had a few guests who gave me a “ maybe” as RSVP and found it extremely rude. The stuff in their lives was more important that the most important day of mine!
Before I’m accused of being heartless, clearly there are circumstances that require last minute compassion (Like medical emergencies/family death and other stuff too no doubt...) , but your baby arrival timing is roughly predictable! You’ll either be hugely uncomfortably preg, worried about going in to labour or with a very new newborn. Don’t do it! Also agree with posts that say you don’t need that stress either.
Oh great...I get to wonder if you’re attending and change seating plans at the last minute, said no bride ever!!

Perhaps reply politely saying you can’t make it and how disappointed you are and send gift. As others have said, no one is expecting you to go (whether they have children or not!) What does DH say?

I’m pregnant at the moment (1st child) and probably going to pull out of a hen do. I feel bad but it’s 2w after due date and 4h away. I’m waiting for 3m scan though and the hen do is far away and I don’t plan on getting money I’ve paid in back.

Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope you manage to reply to your friend!

You can't go. Something much more important is happening. Just decline and explain briefly. Job done ✅

I also do not understand this. Either ask her of it's ok to 'wait and see' if you are up for it at the time, or decline now. Too bad you will be missing out on her big day but frankly you are just one of many, and a lunch or other celebration just the two of you before will be more meaningful.

I don't know what the big deal is here.
Just tell her you can't come now that the wedding has been postponed to January because that's around the time your baby is due.
You need to tell her as soon as possible so she isn't paying for your unused place at the wedding or so she can invite someone else.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!
This is ridiculous. You haven't told her yet that you can't come. You are assuming that she won't understand before you've even given her a chance to understand.
You tell her and see what she says. Why have you assumed she is not going to hear and understand?
Bloody hell - this all sounds like hard work with you.
Also, I object to your statement about her being childless and therefore your explanation of how impossible it is will fall on deaf ears.
I'm childfree and perfectly well understand the situation you are in but I'd be annoyed if a friend made assumptions about how I would or wouldn't react before they'd even broached the subject.

What a drama. Honestly. Just ring her up tomorrow and have a chat.
If she does make a fuss is she really the type of person you want as a friend?

You really seem to be overthinking this.

Just send a very simple message

As much as I would love to be at your wedding, given I’ll either be heavily pregnant or With a newborn, I’ll sadly be unable to make it. I hope you have a wonderful day and look forward to hearing all about it!

I’m with PPs @Happygogoat you are way overthinking this, the reality is you cannot commit to anything at all around that date. That’s it. You may be in labour, you may be unwell, you may be too big and close to birth to be ‘allowed‘ to travel so far. You don’t know. So tell her.

‘I’m sorry dear friend but I can’t commitment to coming to your wedding (because it’s entirely possible I’ll be in labour or not allowed to travel as too close to birth or unable to travel as I’m in recovery). Because you are my friend I don’t want to mess you around so I’m going to decline and send you my best wishes. And take you out before Christmas for a special lunch if you like’

Of course it is possible you could go to her wedding but you won’t know until the day so why spoil it for her by turning it into a drama all about you and whether you can arrive?

I'm likening it to a v close friend who had a baby 3 weeks before my daughters birthday party. I messaged her and said I would feel wrong not to invite you but I am assuming you cannot come so please don't stress

To be fair, your dd's birthday party probably had a much smaller guest list than your friend's wedding - and didn't have to be completely re-arranged due to a global pandemic! I agree with those saying you're over thinking this. Friend is understandably swept up sorting everything out.. Just tell her you're really sorry but you're no longer going to be able to make it.

totally agree with all the comments saying to decline. I'd send her a private message to say how sorry you are not being able to attend, but babies are unpredictable and you'd rather say no now than have to pull out at the last minute, especially as they would have paid for your places and it would be too late to invite someone else. Even if she's upset initially, it's more likely to be disappointment and wedding stress - when she has the head space to think about it rationally I'm sure she'd understand. A pre-baby/pre-wedding spa afternoon sounds like a lovely idea for you both - I'd have killed for a pedicure during late pregnancy 🙂.

Your friend has just had to reorganise her wedding. She will have had the stress to communicate with all the guests so don’t take it personally you don’t get your own message acknowledging your pregnancy. She might not want to assume you aren’t going (might have been a different post then as you would prob have been offended).

She is your friend - TALK to her

Just say no OP. If she isnt ok with that then she's not a good friend.

I'm guessing they know already you won't be there and are just being polite. Was it an already established WhatsApp group? If so then they probably didn't want to exclude you by setting up a new one without you in it before you've declined

Are you just a little bit pregnant? They might've forgot

We've postponed our wedding from last weekend to next July. I just did a big Facebook group message to everyone quickly to let then know it was off. I genuinely didn't think about anyone's circumstances before sending it.

With all due respect, does she even know when (or remember) your due date? It's super important to you but at best she probably only has a vague idea of when the baby is due and hasn't given it a moment's thought.

Agree with pp. Too much drama. Just text call or email to explain that it's just too close to due date and you will either be about to give birth or still recovering.

Oh, and please dont buy her a gift with the hope she might wear it ather wedding. For the pp who had that happen, that's lovely. But v unlikely to.happen here unless the gift is a bloody great big diamond pendant or something.

... the friend.... Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans

Just an idea but I think that is where you let her know you plans.

You are making a huge drama over something that doesn’t merit any. She has asked you your plans so why wouldn’t you simply tell her that the wedding is just past your due date so you can’t attend. She will be disappointed but that’s understandable.

I hope she takes it okay. We were actually in this position, with a wedding two weeks after due date. Not only were they quite happy with me declining and DH accepting with a proviso that if the baby was late he might not make it, but when DD turned up six weeks early, they got in touch to ask whether we'd like to all come!

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayay

I am childless OP. I didn't realise that makes me completely devoid of empathy and understanding for my pregnant friends. Who knew!!

My thoughts exactly. And if she is a 'good friend' then she will absolutely understand (and not be pissed off) that there is no way you'll be able to attend her wedding. Just RSVP her asap.

What a fuss about nothing. Your baby is peripheral to her life - and her wedding is peripheral to yours. Just say no.
As for the post-partum friend who missed your daughter's birthday party - has she got over the disappointment yet or did she need counselling?
Are you always like this?

I’d take advantage of the fact she doesn’t understand the ins and outs of pregnancy and childbirth as well as you do. (Am i at least allowed to say that?)

Tell her you’ve checked with your health visitor/GP/midwife hoping they’d help you find a way to attend, but sadly it’s as you expected, impossible for eleventy-billion technical reasons.

Sometimes it softens news like this when you can show you’ve put effort in, and double-checked with experts.

But yes, it is impossible. You know that, and she will too deep down. The problem you face is that some Bridezillas take this kind of decline as somehow competing- as though your baby dates trump her ‘most special woman’ status. Which, actually, it kind of does. Anyone who is this self-involved doesn’t merit all this hand-wringing you’re doing. One day, hopefully, she’ll get it.

She probably hasn't even thought about the date because she's busy rearranging a wedding and won't be worrying about how the date fits in with every single guests personal plans and commitments.

As far as excuses for missing a wedding go, this one is pretty water tight. I don't think anyone with more than 2 brain cells would actually get annoyed with you about this. Of course you can't go, and it would actually be very silly of you to say you could, because giving birth and having a brand new baby is a very unpredictable situation so you simply cannot commit to anything so close to your due date. It's out of your hands.

Just tell her you can't go. At least give her the chance to start being a cow before you get upset with her for it.

Your making a huge deal out of nothing.

She is not going to remember your due date (my cousin is pregnant and I know she is due sometime in Sept, but i know that could also that could mean late Aug or early October!).

If I was your friend I would have invited you as i know some that have gone to a wedding a few days after giving birth. But as my example above shows, if my wedding was 10th October that could mean you could have just given birth or weeks beforehand.

You DDs birthday is in no way comparable to arranging a wedding! So of course she is not going to spend the mental energy on top of everything else to message you.

And stop delaying just decline now.

Just say no...

It sounds like you think she will make a fuss, which is something a lot of the replies so far have dismissed or posters have accused you of overreacting / insensitivity. I’ve been on far too many threads, where bridezillas expected ops to travel hundreds of miles heavily pregnant or days after giving birth. I get your apprehension.

@Mummyoflittledragon

It sounds like you think she will make a fuss, which is something a lot of the replies so far have dismissed or posters have accused you of overreacting / insensitivity. I’ve been on far too many threads, where bridezillas expected ops to travel hundreds of miles heavily pregnant or days after giving birth. I get your apprehension.

Yeah, I smell a Bridezilla too.

OP, all you can do is say "I would love to be there but thanks to bloody Covid I cant guarantee I wont be giving birth on the top table! Have a wonderful day and know that we are thiking of you (between contractions!)" or something similarly placatory. If she thinks that you will take the attention by daring to birth your child on her Speshul
Day, she will welcome your non attendance!

agree with PPs, simply decline with an explanation of 'I'll either have just given birth or will be overdue, so won't be available to attend (etc)'.

If she doesn't understand that as being a good enough reason, that's probably cause to start a new thread on AIBU re Bride to be!

You are right that your friend may not understand. It may be just the first of a number of things she won't understand. That is just too fucking bad. You will absolutely not be ready to go to the wedding. You are just one human being. You can't do everything. Creating an actual human life is enough of an accomplishment for a ten day period, no more can be expected of you.

Just be straightforward and let her know you won't be able to make it! There is no way you can go!! She's a shitty friend if she can't understand that!