AIBU - Friends wedding

[Happygogoat]

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

OP it sounds from your posts that you are very thoughtful- I’ve been in your position and also really appreciated it when the bride said- I understand you’re unlikely to make it but didn’t want to not invite you. But that being said, I also wouldn’t think it odd if a bride DIDN’T say that- as others have said she probably doesn’t remember your exact due date and has a lot on. I honestly wouldn’t overthink it, just reply and say you’re so sorry to be missing it but it’s just too close to your due date to travel that far- if you haven’t given birth yet then no way can you be that far away from home at that point, if you have you’ll have a tiny newborn and recovering from birth. If she’s annoyed about that then you need to have the courage of your convictions to know you’re 100% in the right and just not worry about it. I had a friend come to my wedding with 4 week old- have to be honest and say at the time I didn’t think much of it-I invited her and she came (it was much nearer though- about 40 mins)- it was only years later after having kids that I thought (and have said to her!) that I can’t believe she came with such a tiny baby! And I think I am quite empathetic, it just didn’t occur to me at the time with so much else going on- so your friend may well be the same (with her I would absolutely not have been offended if she’d said she couldn’t come)

Unless you are BM then what on Earth is the fuss all about??

She's probably forgotten when you are due and why on earth wouldn't she? probably loads on re planning the whole thing.

You don't sound too complimentary about here that she wasn't overly excited regarding your announcement.

What a fuss about nothing.

Stop causing a drama out of nothing and tell her you can’t go.

Honestly OP she probably hasn't even thought about your due date. They have had to postpone and rearrange their wedding while lots of couples are inevitably doing the same. Work out which date is best generally.

All you need to do is send her a card wishing her well and explaining as your due date is X you will need to decline the invite. No big deal.

People cant attend weddings for all sorts of reasons. Some of my friends had booked a holiday for the week of our wedding. It happens!

You're way overthinking this, just decline. I'm also not really sure why you uninvited your friend from a kids birthday party with a 3 week old, most people I know would have been up and about by that time, so may well have come along. Anyway, don't give it any more thought, just say that as you're due around then, you can't commit and decline.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us.....*
*
I think those of you being offended by this statement claiming not all childless people lack empathy. The OP doesn't say every single childless person is going to react like that, but because her friend pretty much ignored the fact that she's pregnant (by giving a very half hearted congratulations then talking about something unrelated and trivial) that HER FRIEND is like that!!!

Sounds to me like she's understandably to a point, wrapped up in the goings on in her life. Just tell her you can't go. Don't apologise or make a fuss, go down the "obviously" route.

That really wasn’t clear @Blueuggboots. Anyway, the op has apologised and clarified what she really meant so it doesn’t really matter any more.

Don't go! End of. Problem solved. Get on with your life.

My friend's first rearranged date was for 7 days after my due date, she totally understood that we would not be driving 4+ hours whatever happened! She moved it again though to next year when I'll have a 6-7 month old much better, we'll hopefully tie it in with our first holiday with baby! By moving her wedding, there will be 5 babies who wouldn't have been there this summer your friend is being weird not seeming to get this, and given the age most people get married seems unlikely to just affect you! I wouldn't travel far to a wedding after about 35 weeks.

your friend is being weird not seeming to get this

The friend hasn’t had the opportunity not to get it. The op hasn’t told her yet. The friend hasn’t actually done anything wrong here.

I had this exact same dilemma when I was pregnant with ds1. Dh was supposed to be best man and the wedding was on my due date. (I got pregnant after the wedding date was set)

We declined, mainly because we didn’t want to have them pay for our meals if we ended up not being there, and so that the groom could choose a new best man in plenty of time. It was fine, we explained, they accepted the explanation, all good.

As it happens, ds came 3 weeks early. The bride and groom offered us invitations, arranged a couple of extra meals and allowed us an exception to the no child rule. So we took him along at 3 weeks old and it was lovely. It was nice to be able to put on a dress and feel normal for a few hours. But they would have been perfectly understanding if we had declined.

My point is, maybe your friend will be more understanding and accommodating than you give her credit for. I had a lot of angst and handwringing over my decision at the time, but the bride and groom were amazing!

Are you allowed to take your children with you? To be honest if yes I would go, even for an hour or two. Baby will be so small they will sleep through and you'll get a lovely meal!

Blueugg
Having failed to fall pregnant over several years then going through rounds of ivf, I also cannot see what op has said, which is so upsetting. She is very clear in talking about one, individual person and one, individual scenario.

As for people getting upset at not 100% being able to understand what having a newborn is like, I certainly didn’t. There are plenty of threads including one today of women, who are struggling. It’s very hard to completely put yourself in someone’s shoes when you’ve not experienced that situation - even if this is not by choice. Take disability : I’m disabled. The amount of crap spurted on threads even when posters have explained their situation is shocking. What I read is lot of people think they know but actually find it hard to get their heads around what it is like.

My comment is assuming it is driving distance and you don't need to stay overnight. If an overnight visit is required then I'd decline!

I had almost Exactly this same situation when I was due with my son and unfortunately my friend was not understanding at all. The baby wasn't even invited to the wedding and she didn't understand why I wouldn't be able to go and leave my 1 week old! We're still friends (sort of) but she's never apologised for the way she treated me over it, and has even made little digs about how her wedding wasn't important enough to me .

Good luck op

Of course you won't be able to go, so decline the invitation. If you do it now, it gives plenty of notice.

At this point there are no guarantees a wedding replanned for January will actually go ahead and even if it dies there are very likely to be lots of last minute cancellations due to illness or weather - if i'd had my wedding cancelled this summer I wouldn't plan it for January.

OP I think the way you do, trying to predict how someone else will receive information and frame it possible differently as a result i.e overthinking.

If you think your friend is likely to receive the news better if you make her at the centre of it then frame the message that way "i'm so sorry that the wedding date had to be changed causing you so much stress. As I will either be heavily pregnant or just have given birth I think it's better to say now that unfortunately we won't be able to join you in celebrating your very special day. Hopefully that removes any possible stress for you closer to the time over numbers"

Something along those lines make it clear you won't be coming but that it's all about her rather than you, particularly if you don't feel she fully gets it in terms of where your life will be at that particular point.

Hi, OP, it sounds like you're worried about upsetting your friend, which is understandable, but you just can't go and the most considerate thing to do is to let her know asap for practical / logistical reasons.

With the best will in the world, it would be crazy to say you'll go - there's a high chance that you'll drop out last minute if you do that (what if you have difficult birth, or are recovering from a c section, or are struggling with breastfeeding?). Dropping out last minute will cause her much more stress.

Most people wouldn't be able to go, given the timing.

I don't understand the problem.
Your friend has rearranged her wedding due to Covid.
You are now pregnant.
She is whatsapping all her friends the new plans.
You won't be able to go.

Just say 'sorry, I won't be able to cone because of the baby. What a shame, I was so looking forward to it, but these thjngs happen. I'll leave the whatsapp group now'.

As for people getting upset at not 100% being able to understand what having a newborn is like

This isn't what people are getting 'upset' about nor is it what was said.

It's the implication that a childless person would be annoyed with you for not going to an event due to birth, pregnancy or a baby because they just don't 'get it'.

It's not about understanding what having a newborn is like. I was perfectly able to understand that having one would mean my friends may not be able to attend X Y or Z at certain times because it's really not difficult to understand.

It's the suggestion that you see time and time again that childless people are just naturally selfish and only when you have children do you gain this enlightened sense of selflessness that absolutely no one else can possess about the simplest of situations. It's a load of shit, frankly.

If someone is a dick about you being unable to attend a wedding because you've just given birth, that person is just a dick whether or not they are childless is irrelevant.

And no it absolutely was not obvious from OPs original post that she was referring to just this one friend and now childless people as a whole as so many people often do.

People are selfish sometimes, their choice or ability to breed has absolutely nothing to do with it and I'm sick of the notion that it does.

@TheTeenageYears

Agree with this - and no doubt the fact that the friend's wedding may be postponed again will be on the friend's mind too. All this stress about what is supposed to be a happy day for her.

Everybody is so bloody tetchy on here. Before I had kids I wouldn't have considered all the physical changes that happen to women afterwards, such as bleeding for a month. We tend to judge things on the basis of our own experiences. I might have assumed my friend could still travel freely with a newborn. OP meant no offence.
I would just tell her that I couldn't be 3 hours away from my hospital and if baby has been born, then will be recovering.

I might have assumed my friend could still travel freely with a newborn

Assuming but being fine when the person informs you that unfortunately they can't attend because of whatever reason is fine.

Assuming that because a person is childless they will be an arse with you for not attending is not.

I know plenty of people who are selfish and have children. In fact I can't think of one scenario where someone's ability or want to have a child has meant they are a better, more understanding or nicer person than they were before. If they were nice before children, they were nice after. If they were selfish before children, they were selfish after.

@katy1213

What a fuss about nothing. Your baby is peripheral to her life - and her wedding is peripheral to yours. Just say no. As for the post-partum friend who missed your daughter's birthday party - has she got over the disappointment yet or did she need counselling? Are you always like this?

Goodness me I didn't realise posting asking for genuine advice/AIBU (and accepting of responses) needed to turn in to a character assassination!

Am I always concerned about upsetting my friends and trying to do the right thing? Yes, I hope so.

Am I needlessly rude and passive aggressive to strangers on the internet who have summarised one situation from the vast tapestry of their life in about 200 words? No.