AIBU - Friends wedding

[Happygogoat]

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

You are not going to be able to drive for 3 hours with a brand new baby in tow. She is either your friend and will understand or she isn't. This will be à good opportunity to find out!

Another vote for you are massively overthinking this. She will he stressed with the delay in the wedding and re-organising, and won’t necessarily have thought about your due date and what that means for your plans- that’s totally normal. Just tell her you are really sad but you can’t make it!

I don't think your friend will expect you to attend but is kindly including you in her messages. Don't overthink it and politely decline asap.

Another one for why are you over thinking this?

Her rearranged wedding is right near your due date and a 6 hour total there and back drive. Of course you can't go. (Neither with newborn in tow having just given birth & possibly exhausted/unwell/very sore or overdue & heavily pregnant not allowed to travel that far )

It really isn't hard to say "Thankyou for invite.. Sorry we won't be able to come - as it's right on baby's due date, we'll be unable to travel"

Just tell her whilst you would love to be part of her day your concerned that a, you may have a tiny human attached to your boob or screaming through the whole ceremony, b, unable to make it last minute as your pushing said human out, c, recovering from birth or possibly even a c-section, d you could be over due go into labour at the wedding and be 3 hours from your hospital team.

It'll be simpler just to straight decline now, then she knows where they stand with numbers. If she's bitchy about it then, wedding stress or not, I'd be evaluating where that friendship lies.

Also Without being overly harsh, I do think it’s a wee bit precious/ self absorbed of you to expect your friend to message you individually and pre-empt your plans to attend. She is most likely stressed about the delay in her wedding, and focused on what she has to do to re-organise her day. It’s on you to remember when your baby is due, think about what you can manage and to let your friend know if you can no longer attend! (Which clearly you can’t 10 days after your DD).

Thanks for clarifying OP and apologies for my slightly snarky post. I agree with other posters, just set out how you wish you could attend but because of your due date it just isn't possible.

I couldn’t make a friend’s wedding in Ireland because I knew I’d have a tiny baby, so I took her out for dinner (with another pregnant friend who couldn’t make it) and we got her a nice gift (earrings which she ended up wearing at the wedding ). Could you do something similar, some sort of gesture in lieu of attending the wedding?

Hi OP, think you should politely decline now so that it's absolutely clear that you won't be coming to the wedding.

The timings are just too tight- you'll either be overdue or have a tiny newborn & going through recovery from the birth.

Real shame the wedding was postponed due to Covid, but it sounds like the new date does not work at all for you. Let them know sooner rather than later!

I couldn’t make a friend’s wedding in Ireland because I knew I’d have a tiny baby, so I took her out for dinner (with another pregnant friend who couldn’t make it) and we got her a nice gift (earrings which she ended up wearing at the wedding smile). Could you do something similar, some sort of gesture in lieu of attending the wedding?

This is a really lovely idea!

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

This attitude is quite upsetting for people like me who don't yet have children.

I would totally understand your decision not to come and would say wait til the time and see, but no pressure at all - there will be a seat for you if you do come but just extra for your table if you don't so no stress

People who don't have kids aren't all selfish and lacking in empathy.

If she has an issue with you saying no then I would think she is a shit friend anyway to be honest.

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayay

I am childless OP. I didn't realise that makes me completely devoid of empathy and understanding for my pregnant friends. Who knew!!

It's so sad people assume this isn't it? I wouldn't make a sweeping generalisation about parents so it's sad it's seen as acceptable the other way around.

@Thereareliterallynonamesleft

I couldn’t make a friend’s wedding in Ireland because I knew I’d have a tiny baby, so I took her out for dinner (with another pregnant friend who couldn’t make it) and we got her a nice gift (earrings which she ended up wearing at the wedding ). Could you do something similar, some sort of gesture in lieu of attending the wedding?

Lovely idea, I was definitely thinking a nice meal or spa trip or something but I love the idea of a gift too. Especially if she ended up wearing it on the day, that's very special :)

Just decline.Even if you went overdue you still cant go.

Just do what @Thereareliterallynonamesleft did.Lovely thing to do.

@backseatcookers I hear you but OP has since clarified that she didn't mean it that way x

You're definately inflating this op and frankly, if she's going to throw a massive strop then you're better off knowing what she's like

Hey Esmerelda, I've been looking to see if it will be possible but baby is due so close to your wedding, we're unfortunately going to have to say no. I'm gutted, i'd really like it if we could do something together in December to celebrate your impending nuptials. I'm so sad i won't be there on the day

I mean she's assuming there won't be a second wave lockdown and that numbers won't be limited again!

I wouldn't read too much into your friend not saying much about your pregnancy. Many childless people really do not understand or think about pregnancy and children; they completely disregard them as if the entire business goes over their heads (until they have their own, then they say, "How can you even walk a fortnight after giving birth?", and things like that).

Just tell her you are really sorry but will have to miss her wedding (but will definitely go to her next wedding - no maybe not say that).

Just send a card to RSVP and explain that, given the timing and the circumstances, you will have to decline. Be sincere and say that it's a such a shame these two big life event are clashing, but you will be sending lots of love on the day and looking forward to catching up afterwards.

I had to do exactly this. My cousin's wedding was 10 days after my due date. I ended up giving birth on the same day! So glad I didn't risk going.

I don't really understand why people would tie themselves in knots about something like this. In this situation you put YOUR needs first. Yes, your friend is preoccupied with the new arrangements, but the world doesn't stop turning on her wedding day.

You are expecting your friend to think of you and your situation. She/he has all their guests to consider and is probably very upset and stressed to have to.replan the wedding.. It's unfortunate for you but I agree you need to decline. Do so now and explain clearly why. If they are cross or offended they are wrong. It's more.likely they'll.understand but haven't.hadthe time to think it through on your behalf and work out how close it is to your due date.

Your due date is more important to you that your friend and she/he may not have made the connection.

I'm another who can't understand what all the drama and angst is about. There is no way you can attend this wedding. A simple decline is all that is needed.

You are making a big deal about nothing. You could have stated the issue in half the words and left out the passive aggressive 'digs' at your 'friend' and the answers would still be the same.

If you are not going, decline politely now. Done.

I agree you’re making this a far bigger thing than it is. Just decline.

It's not "want". It's physically being able!

However- and I know everyone is different, but I wouldn’t consider it impossible to attend at all. I wouldn’t be declining in your shoes. Not if I actually wanted to go. I’d be telling friend I’d play it by ear and see how things were closer to the date. I did 3+ hour drives whilst heavily pregnant (37+ weeks) and would have been happy to do it 10 days post birth with plenty of stops along the way. if it was a wedding I wanted to be at. If it wasn’t I wouldn’t though.

@backseatcookers

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

This attitude is quite upsetting for people like me who don't yet have children.

I would totally understand your decision not to come and would say wait til the time and see, but no pressure at all - there will be a seat for you if you do come but just extra for your table if you don't so no stress

People who don't have kids aren't all selfish and lacking in empathy.

If she has an issue with you saying no then I would think she is a shit friend anyway to be honest.

I clarified above but didn't want to read and run - I didn't mean it that way and certainly don't assume childless people don't understand or respect their friends.

Not least because I like to think I had suitable empathy as a friend before I had a child too! :) goes for anything really... I haven't lost a parent so I don't understand in precisely the same way what friends go through when they do, but I sure as hell hope I am still a supportive and kind friend to lean on.

My concern was more about this individual and not a sweeping statement, I didn't mean for that to come across so sorry for any upset x

Best thing I’ve seen on Mumsnet is the statement “it’s an invite, not a summons”. Politely decline, give your honest reason, sympathise with her situation and if she can’t understand your own situation she isn’t a proper friend.