Page 7 | AIBU - Friends wedding

BenWyatt · 27/07/2020 09:18

Oh for goodness sake, just tell her!

Hercwasonaroll · 27/07/2020 09:18

Pre kids I had no idea how much recovery from birth was needed. It's not just a quick pop out and return with a baby. You're physically exhausted with a tiny human to care for. There is nothing quite like it in the world. However pre kids I would have accepted you saying you can't come due to baby. I would have understood and not thought much more about it. Now I would send a message along the lines of "obviously you won't be able to come due to baby.....".

No need for the drama, just say you can't go.

Littlemeadow123 · 27/07/2020 09:19

She's probably got a lot on her mind and hasn't thought it through in terms of your situation. It's possible that she has forgot your due date as well.

Or maybe she didn't want to automatically assume that you were no longer coming because she didn't want to cause offence. Because some people do go to weddings with very small babies or when they are heavily pregnant.

At the end of the day, she is not a mind reader. If you can no longer make it then you need to tell her.

josiejj · 27/07/2020 09:19

However you say it OP I would be careful to not be overly apologetic- like you're doing something wrong or it's your fault. Just be matter of fact and say you'll be 'so sad to miss it' rather than 'so sorry to miss it'.

Good luck- these situations make me feel sick so I feel for you!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2020 09:21

@AintNoMaryPoppins
I don’t understand why you’re picking comments to pieces. Op was very very clear she was talking about one specific person. One specific scenario. Op isn’t assuming that her friend may be upset with her because she is a childless person, she is assuming because of who that person is. Anything more is conjecture.

Original poster

Happygogoat · 27/07/2020 09:22

@OliviaBenson

Turning this around- how would you feel if your friend had excluded you from the WhatsApp chats and details having assumed you couldn't go? I'd wager you'd be upset about that. She's done it so you don't feel excluded. The onus is on you now to say you can't make it.

Your wish for personalised messages is you being OTT.

As a childfree person I hate this assumption that we can't possibly understand. But equally (and I'll probably get flamed for saying this) there does seem this expectation that people with kids should get special attention, as proven by the op. She's treated you equally as a guest with all the other friends. Your pregnancy is important to you but it's not necessarily the case for everyone else.

I can't see in my post that I "wished" for it. Just simply said if it was coming, it would have by now.

In my circle of friends, it's not unusual to send these types of messages. I am not "annoyed" she didn't send one, just simply emphasising that she doesn't seem prepared for me to decline (understandably! She's had so much to sort!) but to me that influences my next steps and approach.

If she had noted anything about not expecting me (or indeed any of the guests) to be able to make the revised date (because not everyone will I am sure) I feel that is much more of an "in" for the swift decline.

I sympathise a lot with what they have gone through.

OP posts:

AintNoMaryPoppins · 27/07/2020 09:23

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@AintNoMaryPoppins
I don’t understand why you’re picking comments to pieces. Op was very very clear she was talking about one specific person. One specific scenario. Op isn’t assuming that her friend may be upset with her because she is a childless person, she is assuming because of who that person is. Anything more is conjecture.[/quote]
Sorry please explain how this is so obvious that she is just talking about her friend and not all childless people?

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

I am aware OP clarified afterwards but it was absolutely NOT obvious from her first post which is why so many people commented on it.

If she was just referring to this one friend because she's usually not understanding and a bit selfish, what was the need to mention she was childless at all for if not to suggest this was WHY she was not understanding and selfish?

AintNoMaryPoppins · 27/07/2020 09:24

You'd just say 'friend has a history of not really being very understanding and a bit selfish'. You wouldn't use her childlessness as a reason for it if you didn't think that's what made her lack understanding in the first place.

Original poster

Happygogoat · 27/07/2020 09:26

@TW2013

I would go with the 'checked with midwife and it is a no go' approach. Out of interest is your dd invited or is it childfree wedding? If you haven't seen her since lockdown although she might have been told about the pregnancy it may not fully have sunk in about the clash. Also second and subsequent pregnancies never attract the same level of interest as the first.

My dd was invited but we had already declined that generous offer and said we wanted to come and really enjoy the alcohol/late night/dancing. It's a really good friend and we wanted to fully engage with the wedding and have found small children hinder that :)

She was a bit frustrated I would even be sober at the August date once we found out we were expecting, hence my apprehension that she will be annoyed we can't come altogether now.

OP posts:

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 27/07/2020 09:28

Agree, MrsHunt, I had absolutely no idea what would be involved postnatally until I had kids. Not the first, faintest scooby.

GabsAlot · 27/07/2020 09:28

To be fair one of my sisters is comepltely oblivious to the problems people have with travelling somewhere with children

she always says why cant so and so come out till midnight etc etc-er because they have kids-things like that so if ops friend is like this i understand her worry of what her friend wil say to the decline of the invite

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/07/2020 09:28

You're walking on eggshells about pointing out the blindingly obvious to this friend. She's bringing too much stress to your life!

Just decline now and put it behind you.

GabsAlot · 27/07/2020 09:29

and this is exactly what i mean she was annoyed you cant drink? thats ridiclous

SliceOSalami · 27/07/2020 09:31

@AintNoMaryPoppins

You'd just say 'friend has a history of not really being very understanding and a bit selfish'. You wouldn't use her childlessness as a reason for it if you didn't think that's what made her lack understanding in the first place.

Exactly. I don't see what the friends childlessness has to do with anything if she is just like this anyway? The only reason you'd mention being childless is to suggest that was why she would be difficult. And it is offensive because it's something that is suggested often to childless women that they just don't get this or that, or they are just selfish before they have children.

I may not have understood the actual ins and outs of childbirth beforehand but I certainly wouldn't have been funny with a friend if they'd said they were unable to attend something because of it.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 27/07/2020 09:31

I don't know why you're getting some spicy replies OP- I get where you're coming from.

Anyway, yanbu, just contact her and wish her a wonderful wedding and say how sad you are that you'll have to miss it.

PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2020 09:31

She was a bit frustrated I would even be sober at the August date once we found out we were expecting.

Given you’d declined to bring your DD because you wanted to drink and dance all night, couldn’t this have been badly worded sympathy/banter that you’d be missing out on that?

EL8888 · 27/07/2020 09:31

Just decline, it’s one of those things and the nature of switching dates. I doubt she is too thrilled about it being postponed either. Her focus is her wedding and your focus is your baby, that’s all fine

PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2020 09:33

She's bringing too much stress to your life!

As far as I can see, the stress is all self induced by the Op. The friend hasn’t actually done anything wrong yet.

SliceOSalami · 27/07/2020 09:34

I don't know why you're getting some spicy replies OP- I get where you're coming from

Because it's a complete non event right now. The OP hasn't even replied to the invitation yet saying she can't go and already she's started a thread moaning about her friends assumed reaction the friend has literally not even done anything wrong yet!

Hence the drip feed about her complaining OP couldn't drink.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2020 09:36

@Happygogoat

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

@AintNoMaryPoppins I get it is one specific person and scenario because I read it in context of the wider post rather than the specific paragraph.

Got a lukewarm congrats and went back to moaning about something trivial
Friend has not mentioned pregnancy (I am reading that as not at all and in relation to point 1)
I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.
Op already has a dc so knows how her friend is about her existing child.

TheSoapyFrog · 27/07/2020 09:37

Just tell her you can't go. Don't wait for her to say anything. I wouldn't say to anyone that I don't mind if they couldn't make it because I know they have stuff going on. It doesn't need to be said. This is the date, you can either make it or you can't. You can't. Simple as.
It is hard when friends have something big going on in their lives that clash. But don't stress yourself out by over thinking it.

Sweetener12 · 27/07/2020 09:38

Just decline and that's it, You have a reason.

Pebblexox · 27/07/2020 09:38

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend
^^
Out of my friendship group, I'm the one one who currently has a child. They all completely understand when I have to bow out of something due to DD. It has never fallen on deaf ears.
Your friend probably doesn't remember your due date, and the lukewarm congrats is to be expected. What did expect balloons and a card?
Just message her and explain that you would love to come, but unfortunately given the date that just won't be feasible. Then offer to see her after the wedding so you can have a little dinner or drink to celebrate her new relationship status.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 27/07/2020 09:42

@mummyoflittledragon

So again, I'd ask what the need to mention the friends childlessness was if she is always like this?

Unless you are trying to imply that her childlessness is WHY she is like that.

Which is what people get offended by because it's suggested ALL THE TIME on MN that childless people are somehow more selfish than people with children.

It may have just been about OPs friend, although I still don't agree the last paragraph was clear but if so, why the need to mention she was childless at all? You'd just say 'my friend has a history of being selfish and not being understanding'. Unless of course you do believe her childlessness contributes to those things which is what I disagree with.

MilerVino · 27/07/2020 09:42

I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend.

As Mark Twain said, “I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” There's something of the stoic philosophy in that, too.

OP you can't go to the wedding. You cannot control your friend's reaction to this. So just say you cannot go because the date of the wedding is very near your due date. Wish her all the best and if you want to, suggest a meet up or ask for the wedding list or whatever. Job done. You're not being a bad friend, the circumstances are beyond your control. If she gets the hump, that's on her (so long as your message to her is polite, obviously if you messaged something like 'one day when you have children of your own you'll understand' then frankly you'd deserve whatever you got).