AIBU - Friends wedding

[Happygogoat]

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

@SliceOSalami exactly, it’s all pre-emptive and being over thought at the moment.

I've known plenty of people who are like the OPs friend with children.

I wouldn't say 'not to be callous but she has a child so...' and use that as an explanation as to why they might be a dick.

This really isn't the big deal you seem to be working it up into. You just reply, explain the circumstances, and tell her you hope she has a wonderful day and you're sorry you won't be able to be there.

That's literally all that's required. No angsting. No analysing of every message not sent.

@AintNoMaryPoppins
I’m not trying to imply anything. Op is trying to imply that once her friend has a child, she will get her struggles. I don’t agree with that bit btw. Her friend may never have a child. Or she may never understand her struggles.

I am not reading op meant childless people are somehow more selfish than people with children at all.

*This really isn't the big deal you seem to be working it up into. You just reply, explain the circumstances, and tell her you hope she has a wonderful day and you're sorry you won't be able to be there.

That's literally all that's required. No angsting. No analysing of every message not sent.*

This is true provided everybody acts like a reasonable adult. In my experience so many people are reduced to ridiculous tantrums when it comes to their wedding!

OP say no. Say no and have confidence that it is the kindest and easiest option. Sounds like your friend wants things to be set in stone and you just can't do that with a small baby due.

Your friend might be pissed off and throw a tantrum but frankly I've learned that weddings really sort out the decent friendships from the wobbly ones!

tell her you can't go, a newborn or heavily pregnant makes going anywhere awkward.

Personally I think all these huge weddings being postponed are a bit ridiculous, the marriage is what matters so I think people should just have a smaller wedding with their most important guests and cancel the big do, the amount of money spent on weddings is insane so now would be a good chance to have a smaller wedding and then have a deposit for a house.

@mccavitythethird l see where you are coming from. A friend of mine got married yesterday, he slashed his guest list to 20 people and went ahead anyway.

I understood your point about her not having a child OP. I don't have children either and if it wasn't for MN I probably wouldn't have fully understood the longer lasting physical effects of having a baby, so I can understand that she might not either.

You're going to have to grab the bull by the horns on this one and simply explain that you just won't be able to make it. If you're still pregnant you wouldn't want to be 3 hours away from your birthing plan and if you've had the baby then baby can't spend that much time in a car seat to get there. It's simply just not possible.

If she's annoyed at you, then she's just being a bridezilla and hopefully she'll see sense eventually. If you were my friend, I'd have done similar to your birthday party message and would have just said "I'd love it if you were there, but I understand that it's not necessarily practical for you to come."

Whatever you do, don't accept the invitation and then not go. My wedding is £150 per head and I'd be mighty pissed off if someone accepted and ultimately never had any intention of going.

You do seem to have built this in your mind. At this point, and without any other dripfeeds I feel a little sorry for your friend - based on her lack of gushing over your pregnancy and not sending individual messages she's being portrayed as selfish and thoughtless.

I appreciate there may be more of a background (that very well may be dripfed in) but based on what you've said you should simply tell her now you can't make the new date with a newborn in tow but that you'd love to do something special with her to celebrate since you'll have to miss the day itself.

And I agree with the other posters, if she has a history of being selfish and thoughtless to your circumstances cite that, not the unrelated fact that she doesn't have a child.

@SliceOSalami

I don't know why you're getting some spicy replies OP- I get where you're coming from

Because it's a complete non event right now. The OP hasn't even replied to the invitation yet saying she can't go and already she's started a thread moaning about her friends assumed reaction the friend has literally not even done anything wrong yet!

Hence the drip feed about her complaining OP couldn't drink.

Oh, I haven't read this the same way as you at all. I've heard OP worrying about upsetting her friend and not wanting to.

@AintNoMaryPoppins no one is saying that people that don't have children are selfish.
I know from my experience before I had children I did not understand what it was like to have one - the tiredness, the emotions etc
Once I had children I completely understood why my friends who had children acted a certain way, cancelled their plans etc.
I wasn't selfish I just didn't have the awareness.
It's not a bad thing. It's just like anything in life. You can never have a full understanding of something unless you have experienced it.
Lots of people I know feel the same way.

However justified your worries are about her over reacting to you not being able to go, you’re just going to have to tell her.

Tell her “ as you know, when you’re getting married I’ll either be on the verge of giving birth or will have a tiny newborn baby. Obviously both situations will make it impossible for me to travel 3 hours to the wedding, so I’m regretfully going to have to say no. I will be thinking of you so much, and wish you a wonderful day. I hope we can meet up soon after and celebrate your new marriage and my new baby together. Lots of love...xx

Everybody is so bloody tetchy on here. Before I had kids I wouldn't have considered all the physical changes that happen to women afterwards, such as bleeding for a month.

well why is that? Is it because birth is some big secret thing that people don't talk about anymore? How are people, pre-their-own-children, supposed to know if nobody mentions it?

I have a similar story about a wedding - and i did explain to B&G (as did others) that travelling to a different country with potentially a 4 day old (if born on due date) and that the re-arranged (thank you) for 3 weeks later (fuck that) wedding was also not possible. 10 years later after the birth of their first (but not the groom's first) they said… "ohhhhhhh that's why". Fuckers.

So how’s she reacted?

@thecatsthecats

She may well be a little off with you when you tell her you can't attend, but even then I'd have sympathy. The wedding she was looking forward to postponed, and now her friend can't come - hardly ideal.

So since we're talking empathy, how about you deal with the fact that a whole series of unfortunate coincidences might mean your news makes her a little grumpy and be forgiving of the fact, rather than expect her to also cater to your need to have her NOT feel upset about it?

Excellent post x

Quite honestly if this was my wedding and you were my friend, I would understand completely that you had to decline! I would happily be flexible and if you were in a position to come, would say pop up where you can if you wish.

If your friend can’t understand that, she’s not a good friend

She’s been busy rearranging her wedding, I doubt she’s had the time to give a lot of thought to your due date and send personalised messages to you.

Just tell her you can’t commit to it as it’s the truth and it’s reasonable. What is unreasonable is assuming that a childfree (not childless) person won’t understand your situation - I’m childfree and would perfectly understand.

Give her a chance to be gracious about it instead of assuming she won’t be.

@Happygogoat I’m posting again because you are still missing the point. Your dilemma is not how can you go, will you be well enough etc. Quite simply, you literally cannot commit to attending your friend’s wedding. It is impossible. You cannot possibly know what you will or won’t be able to do that day until possibly that day.

In these circumstances it would be horribly unfair for you to accept the invitation. If you decline the invitation, your friend can invite two other guests instead of you and your DH. Especially important when CV19 limits her numbers. If you dither, you will cause extra stress, unnecessary expense and may let her down badly. If you are a good friend, you will decline with grace as soon as possible.

If she reacts negatively, deal with that then. But give her a chance to react well.

I guess no one wants to discuss how they had to hold their butt cheeks together to do a poo because they were frightened of breaking their episiotomy stitches. Or having to pour warm water over their bits to pee because of the stinging. Or the cramps that felt like labour when bf. That would scare the shit out of any pregnant friend, so I guess we don't mention it and hope that they are one of the few women for whom childbirth is like shelling peas

Well, I for one can’t wait for OP’s thread about the second wedding.

@Happygogoat Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend

You’re so right. All us childless women are horribly selfish and don’t understand anything about childbirth or pregnancies and we definitely can’t muster up any empathy for our friends

I wonder why you even want to go to your horrible childless friends wedding

@Nitpickpicnic I’d take advantage of the fact she doesn’t understand the ins and outs of pregnancy and childbirth as well as you do.

You’re so right. As a childless woman I honestly find the idea of pregnancy and child birth so bambozling. What is that thing called - a c section?!! Is that where they section off a room in wing c for you to have your baby in? And episiotomy? Is that a dessert? Epidural isn’t that another word for breastfeeding? Apologises I just don’t understand all the big words that pregnant women and mothers can understand it’s cause I’m childless you see

This isn’t aimed at the OP, but some of the replies. I find it very strange that people think if you haven’t had kids, you can’t possibly know what giving birth is like and selfishly expect a new mother to be up on the dance floor a day after giving birth.

I don’t have children and never want them, but it’s common sense. Similarly, if someone had just had major heart surgery, I wouldn’t expect them to come to my wedding the next day. I’ve never had major heart surgery myself, but that doesn’t mean I’m devoid of all empathy.

Op, sometimes these things seem worse in your head and it’s easy to overthink it and presume your friend will be annoyed. But just speak to her and I’m sure she’ll understand. If she doesn’t, then she’s not a great friend and having children won’t change that.

[quote lovelylovelove]@AintNoMaryPoppins no one is saying that people that don't have children are selfish.
I know from my experience before I had children I did not understand what it was like to have one - the tiredness, the emotions etc
Once I had children I completely understood why my friends who had children acted a certain way, cancelled their plans etc.
I wasn't selfish I just didn't have the awareness.
It's not a bad thing. It's just like anything in life. You can never have a full understanding of something unless you have experienced it.
Lots of people I know feel the same way.[/quote]
Sigh.

I'm not saying you can understand having a newborn. I'm specifically talking about the fact that OP used the friends childlessness as a reason to explain why her being unable to attend would fall on deaf ears and why she hasn't been understanding in the past and would be annoyed at her for being unable to attend.

My point is that being childless does not mean that someone will be an arse with you for not attending an event.

It's not about understanding the ins and outs of stitches and bleeding and everything else that birth entails. It's about not assuming someone would be a dick simply because they are childless.

I would have just gone 'okay, no worries thanks for letting me know' if a friend had said this to me whether or not I already had children it would have had no impact on my reaction to OP saying she was unable to attend my wedding. I don't need to have gone through childbirth to understand why someone may be unable to attend an event soon afterwards.

There was absolutely no reason to mention the friends childlessness unless it is being suggested that childlessness is a reason why OPs friend would be a dick/selfish about her being unable to attend.

As I say, I've known plenty of bellends who are parents. I would never excuse or explain their behaviour by saying 'im not being callous but they have a child so that's why they would do X Y or Z' because having or not having a child does not determine a person or how they would react.

If you're a dick about someone not attending your wedding due to just giving birth, you're a dick in general. It's nothing to do with being childless. OP was quite clearly suggesting the friends childlessness was a reason why she would be an arse about her not attending.

In short, you don't have to have gone through giving birth to 'get' that someone might not be able to attend a wedding shortly afterwards. It also doesn't mean you'll be an arse with that person for not attending.