Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Friends wedding

220 replies

Happygogoat · 26/07/2020 23:07

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 27/07/2020 07:36

Decline now, the longer you wait the worse it will ne.

KatherineJaneway · 27/07/2020 07:36
  • be
MrsExpo · 27/07/2020 07:37

Just drop her a polite private note saying you won’t be able to be there due to baby arriving. Why are you over thinking this? If she’s that good a friend she’ll understand. Just because she doesn’t have kids herself doesn’t mean she hasn’t got a clue about the issues involved with caring for very young babies.

Also, it’s in January. We might be snowed in by then (it will certainly be cold) so no time to be carting a newborn on a 6 hour round trip.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 27/07/2020 07:37

It's just before you have children of course you have an understanding and empathy towards people that do have children but you don't have that complete 'understanding'

Oh I LOATHE these types of comments.

What 'complete understanding' are all these selfish childless people missing, do tell? Is it that pregnant people or people who have recently given birth or have children may not be able to make it to certain events due to said pregnancy, birth or children? Because I was perfectly able to have 'complete understanding' of that before my children, thank you.

It's really not some difficult concept to grasp that only us amazingly enlightened parents can understand.

OllyBJolly · 27/07/2020 07:46

Is your friend really that self absorbed to realise this would absolutely be not possible for you?!

It's not the friend that's being self absorbed here. It's been a horrible year for couples planning weddings - some won't get all their money back, some will have lost relatives they wanted to be there, there will be several guests who whinge about the new date. And there will be a pile of uncertainty around a new date and a potential "second wave".

Maybe the OP should work on her empathy?

Jenasaurus · 27/07/2020 07:48

[quote Alez]@Jenasaurus you still can't go to Ireland from the UK without doing a 14 day quarantine. You can get married in the UK now - but you can't have a reception and it's max 30 people in the ceremony venue (with some saying even fewer!)[/quote]
Thanks, I assumed something like that. Lets hope by 2022 its different :)

FattyBoom · 27/07/2020 07:50

Tell her you’ve checked with your health visitor/GP/midwife hoping they’d help you find a way to attend, but sadly it’s as you expected, impossible for eleventy-billion technical reasons.

Oh please don't do this, it will just look like the blatant lie that it is. Just tell them you can't go and stop making it into a big deal

AintNoMaryPoppins · 27/07/2020 07:51

Is your friend really that self absorbed to realise this would absolutely be not possible for you?!

Can we actually wait for the friend to do something first before we start bad mouthing? I mean all this woman has done is change her wedding date and send OP an invitation.

The onus is on OP to reply to that invitation saying she can't come. I would never expect a bride or groom to message all their guests individually about their circumstances. She probably doesn't even remember your due date because sorry to say, but it's just not that important to everyone else in the world.

This is such a non issue. Literally all that needs to happen is OP say 'sorry I can't make it as I'll be due to give birth then'. End of problem.

If the friend then is a dick about it, by all means come back for a good moan but for the woman hadn't even done anything yet!

Roselilly36 · 27/07/2020 07:51

Congrats on your pregnancy OP Flowers. Your friend can’t really believe that it you will attend. Just tell her no. Good luck.

saraclara · 27/07/2020 07:53

You don't have to go into great detail. And certainly ignore the pp who suggested letting her know you'll be bleeding. Jeeeze.

Just say "you know how much I'd love to be there, but my baby is due pretty much exactly then. I'm so sorry to have to miss your day"

OliviaBenson · 27/07/2020 07:57

Turning this around- how would you feel if your friend had excluded you from the WhatsApp chats and details having assumed you couldn't go? I'd wager you'd be upset about that. She's done it so you don't feel excluded. The onus is on you now to say you can't make it.

Your wish for personalised messages is you being OTT.

As a childfree person I hate this assumption that we can't possibly understand. But equally (and I'll probably get flamed for saying this) there does seem this expectation that people with kids should get special attention, as proven by the op. She's treated you equally as a guest with all the other friends. Your pregnancy is important to you but it's not necessarily the case for everyone else.

Bmidreams · 27/07/2020 07:58

I think it's a great idea to decline in the group chat. You'll probably get back up.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 27/07/2020 07:59

@Bmidreams

I think it's a great idea to decline in the group chat. You'll probably get back up.
And lots of congratulations and attention which is obviously what OP wants.
KarenKarendson · 27/07/2020 08:03

She sounds dreadful. Just send her a message saying it's unlikely you'll be able to come owing to the fact you will have just had a baby! Pay it no more attention and get on with enjoying your pregnancy.

Skyliner001 · 27/07/2020 08:04

Put yourself first. If she gives you a hard time she's not a real friend

WinterAndRoughWeather · 27/07/2020 08:05

You sound like hard work OP. Maybe your friend is too, but that’s beside the point.

It doesn’t sound like you’re a bridesmaid or anything, or that you’re the only guest, so quite why you’re expecting special treatment is unclear.

There will be thousands of events that have to be rescheduled after this year, and your friend is probably juggling a hundred things to get a new date sorted out. Beyond immediate family and wedding party it’s completely reasonable of her not to consider every guest’s availability. That would be the case under normal circumstances, let alone now.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 27/07/2020 08:06

@KarenKarendson

She sounds dreadful. Just send her a message saying it's unlikely you'll be able to come owing to the fact you will have just had a baby! Pay it no more attention and get on with enjoying your pregnancy.
She hasn't even done anything yet Confused
diddl · 27/07/2020 08:08

"Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans."

So you've expected her to remember your due date whilst reorganising her wedding?

Just tell her that you won't be able to go.

TheGoogleMum · 27/07/2020 08:08

To be fair if you were overdue i doubt she'd want you going into labour at her wedding! I think with that timing it'll have to be a no go. If it was my absolute best friend I might try and make a small part of it possibly.

grisen · 27/07/2020 08:13

My biggest problem, and I say this as a mum, is that you expect her to remember your due date. I am horrible with remembering those things, and I barely even get the month right but I love my friends and I’d do anything for them - and their babies. But then again I forgot my own due date so I kept it in my diary.

TW2013 · 27/07/2020 08:17

I would go with the 'checked with midwife and it is a no go' approach. Out of interest is your dd invited or is it childfree wedding? If you haven't seen her since lockdown although she might have been told about the pregnancy it may not fully have sunk in about the clash. Also second and subsequent pregnancies never attract the same level of interest as the first.

ILikeGinAndCake · 27/07/2020 08:26

I don't really understand why you are even thinking about this. Your friend has just left your invite so you can make your mind up. We had friends due a few weeks before our wedding, they declined in the end (with plenty of notice) we didn't withdraw their invite. I think friends not getting excited over a second baby is neither here nor there, especially when they are so self absorbed in their wedding.

Slightly different but my mother in laws 60th bday weekend in a plush hotel 2 hours drive away was booked for my due date, we said we wouldn't go as it seemed impossible. I gave birth a week early and said to my husband we are all fine lets go and we did. We could just book the hotel last minute and it wasn't a problem adding us to the booking as it was 50 people and a private dining thing. Not like a wedding where you tend to pay/book for a specific number. It was a lot like a wedding the setup of the weekend and I was totally fine with it but I was able to make my mind up a few days before. As you won't have the luxury of deciding a few days before I'd just politely decline. They can fill your place easily with plenty of notice. The only people I got pissed off at when planning my wedding were the people who decided they weren't coming 2 days before!!!

CharityDingle · 27/07/2020 08:28

Your description of her lukewarm congrats before going back to moaning about something trivial, suggests that you don't like this friend very much tbh. You haven't given her a chance to react one way or another to your being unable to attend the wedding, before starting a thread about her, and her likely reaction.

Just decline politely, saying that it won't be possible to attend because of being so close to your due date. I don't think it's necessary to be trotting out midwives reports and whatnot!

As someone suggested, go out for a meal or something to mark the occasion with her, if you are actually good friends.

thecatsthecats · 27/07/2020 08:28

She may well be a little off with you when you tell her you can't attend, but even then I'd have sympathy. The wedding she was looking forward to postponed, and now her friend can't come - hardly ideal.

So since we're talking empathy, how about you deal with the fact that a whole series of unfortunate coincidences might mean your news makes her a little grumpy and be forgiving of the fact, rather than expect her to also cater to your need to have her NOT feel upset about it?

Brefugee · 27/07/2020 08:29

I would go with the 'checked with midwife and it is a no go' approach

the baby is due at some time in January. that means OP is only in the 4th month of pregnancy? or 5th? why would anyone else remember the due date apart from grandparents/Parther? Not someone re-arranging a wedding who may be worried that in January some or all of the current restrictions will still be in place.

How is it that people are so averse to saying "thank you for the invitation, sorry i won't be able to make the rearranged date. I hope you have a lovely day and will be thinking about you." (well, you won't because you'll be 100% about your baby by then but it's a nice thing to say)

The bride-to-be will be happy to know one way or the other for sure with at least one guest, that is one less worry.

Also, OP, I'd do that in a separate private message to your friend then leave the WhatsApp group without drama or comment.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.