AIBU - Friends wedding

[Happygogoat]

Hi all. Have had two friends weddings postponed due to covid both with separate consequences given our baby now due next year but will cover just one in this post!

Wedding was due for August. Now reluctantly and stressfully rearranged (understandably and I feel for them) to Jan 2021.... for 10 days post my due date. Friend knows I am pregnant (wasn't particularly congratulatory but that's by the by!). Got a lukewarm "congrats" and went back to moaning about something trivial.

Friend has not mentioned pregnancy at all or suggested/acknowledged we might not be able to come. Has included us in group whatsapp about Transport and accommodation etc asking to let them know our plans. We tend to also message privately so I feel if a message was coming along the lines of "I understand you probably can't make it" it would have come by now. I know she is stressed and it's so horrible having it moved so I am just finding the right time to decline (recognise it's on me to do this rather than her reach out to me) but I have a horrible sinking feeling she will be annoyed.

I just don't see how it's remotely possible. I will either be overdue, literally HAVING a baby, or with a v small baby in tow! Even if baby came early they'd be so small and I'd still be recovering. My last birth was straightforward so hoping for same again but not guaranteed and best case scenario I'd still actually be bleeding I think!! Let alone all the other bits and pieces to recover.

Part of me wants to offer potentially driving there with the little one and just getting through it, even just the ceremony, with baby attached to my boob (I hope - I want to breastfeed but again know not guaranteed straightforward). But venue is 3 hours away so too far in the car at that age and so I don't really know why I'd offer.... I know in my heart we can't promise it/it can't happen and they need to know numbers sooner. I just want to offer something and avoid the inevitable annoyance I feel will come my way but it's not fair to drag the inevitable when I know we won't make it/shouldn't! It's not best for me or baby and I know post partum is the time to be selfish.

Not to be callous but friend is childless and so I feel explaining how impossible this is for us will fall to an extent on deaf ears and I'll just look like a bad friend..... if and when she has a baby i know the understanding would come but in the meantime I just want to be heard and understood without upsetting a good friend!

Advice and views welcome!

I'm assuming that the OP's friend has previous form for not being very tolerant of children or anything pertaining to motherhood, or she wouldn't have said what she said about the lack of empathy - the info re. the lukewarm "congratulations" from the friend before moving onto her own woes is further evidence for that.

OP - I agree your best bet is to just decline now. If your friend is annoyed, or comes back to you about it, just say that a simple decline is a better option all around than the "we'll just see what happens and decide last minute" as it saves your friend from extra hassle too. If she's still humpy about it, well that's her look out. You didn't create this problem and you can't do anything about it now!

This is a very simple problem to solve. You write a text message “thanks so much for all the updated info about your wedding. Sadly we are unable to make the new date due to prior commitments. Please send me your gift list as I’d still like to send you something. I hope you both have a wonderful day and good luck with all the arrangements. Hope to see you soon xxx”
Simple.
Then if you get a shitty message you back you just say
“I was very upset not to be able to come but your new wedding date clashes with my giving birth date. Hope you have a wonderful day. 2021 is going to be exciting for both of us”
You keep it simple and positive and don’t enter into any negotiations. It’s a firm NO.

Yeah, I too get the sense that this IS going to be an issue for the bride, hence op's post.

Missing the point here, but are weddings back on again now then? My son was planning getting married in Spring 2021 but its been put on hold until we know whats happening with COVID. The wedding will be in Ireland so we will have to travel across, but he has said its likely to be 2022/23 now.

On the other point as PP have said, tell her sooner rather than later as a lot of planning and expense goes into the attendees and wedding preps, if your not going then there will a space for her to invite another guest or even time to cancel your place and get a refund.

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayay

I am childless OP. I didn't realise that makes me completely devoid of empathy and understanding for my pregnant friends. Who knew!!

I was thinking this!

OP people who don't have children are more than capable of understanding why you wouldn't be able to go to a wedding in these circumstances. If your friend doesn't it is because she is a arse hole, not because she doesn't have children.

Can’t see the dilemma - just decline.

I don't understand the drama just say you can't go but say now

I’m not sure I’d say “due to prior commitments” @notfunnynow. That sounds more like you have another party to attend on that day rather than might be literally giving birth. It’s also a bit formal and removed for a close friend.

@Igotthemheavyboobs I don't think OP means any offence.
It's just before you have children of course you have an understanding and empathy towards people that do have children but you don't have that complete 'understanding'.
I was the same. Before I had kids if my friend couldn't make it somewhere because of the kids I would understand but also think well you could if you tried and think of practical ways she could make it etc
When you have children it's completely different. There is the tiredness, the feeds, the emotions etc to factor in.

It is not meant offensively. It's just you do think differently (as in any situation) before you experience something.

She's stressed and busy arranging her own wedding. She doesn't have children and like most other people isn't completely fixated on her friends' due dates (especially when rearranging her own wedding)

Just send her a nice message acknowledging what a huge PITA it is for her and that you're really sorry you won't be able to make it but that you're looking forward to seeing photos and hearing about her day.

It wouldn’t even cross my mind to consider going. Simply explain and if she gets annoyed I’m sure she will get over it.
We had invited an couple who we expecting around the time of our wedding. They RSVPd yes which really surprised me. Two weeks before the wedding they contacted us to say they didn’t think it was a good idea to travel so close to their due date. This really annoyed me as everything was paid for and we needed to redo the seating arrangement at the last minute. If they had said no at the start I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

Why are you turning it into such a me-centred drama? just tell her you can't come.

To be honest it feels like you’re making this into a big drama in your head. If her wedding was August then she’ll have had a stressful time trying to rearrange everything for January - it’s not the same as booking a new wedding as she’ll be trying to get all the service providers rearranged to that date.
Just tell her you’re sorry you can’t come and wish her all the best. It would be nice to do something when you can to celebrate

[quote lovelylovelove]@Igotthemheavyboobs I don't think OP means any offence.
It's just before you have children of course you have an understanding and empathy towards people that do have children but you don't have that complete 'understanding'.
I was the same. Before I had kids if my friend couldn't make it somewhere because of the kids I would understand but also think well you could if you tried and think of practical ways she could make it etc
When you have children it's completely different. There is the tiredness, the feeds, the emotions etc to factor in.

It is not meant offensively. It's just you do think differently (as in any situation) before you experience something.[/quote]
Well before I had children I was capable of understanding why someone couldn't do things if they had them. My main concern would have been trying to make that person feel as included as possible, even if they couldn't come. I would have gone out of my way to organise an afternoon tea or something in the location of the pregnant friend so she felt assured that I wasn't upset with her that she couldn't attend. I know this because I have done it many times in my life.
Having suffered with unexplained infertility for years prior to my ds, these sort of off the cuff statements can cut really deep.

Some people are still out and about carrying on with normal life in the early stages of labour (I know one woman who did the grocery shop in labour) and other are back to normal a day or two after birth. She probably didn’t want to offend you by assuming that you would be out of action, especially if she didn’t know your due date. If she knows your due some time in January/February for example it would be quite patronising to just assume you couldn’t attend. Just tell her it’s too close to your due date so you can’t come.

You're massively overthinking this and assuming the worst of your friend. There's nothing wrong with her not messaging you assuming you won't come - it's the guests job to tell the hosts whether they can come or not! If you tell her you can't come and then she acts like a dick then come back and have a moan but at the moment there's nothing to it except letting her know you won't be able to make it.

For me it's the 3 hour drive! When your only meant to have a baby in the car seat for 30 mins at a time.
That's a no from me!
As other posters have said just tell her that you will be recovering from birth and couldn't make the journey.
If it was round the corner and your baby came early (my baby came 2 weeks early) I would have popped for the ceremony and maybe some of the day time.
The Luke warm congrats is pretty standard. Some people are excited other people are growing humans. Some people aren't. As long as the main people who will be involved with the child are excited and supportive that's all that matters.

I don’t understand why this is a post. A pandemic has occurred - which means a postponement of a wedding to a date when one of the guests will be giving birth. This guest cannot attend the new date for the event which is awful and sad and needs communicating. Job done.

@Jenasaurus you still can't go to Ireland from the UK without doing a 14 day quarantine. You can get married in the UK now - but you can't have a reception and it's max 30 people in the ceremony venue (with some saying even fewer!)

Just because some people were capable of being completely empathetic about children before they had their own doesn't mean everyone is like that. I certainly didnt have a full understanding, I would also be a little disappointed if friends with young kids couldn't make things (selfish, yes, but that's how I was. I was always very understanding towards my friends, just secretly a bit sad, or perhaps had higher expectations of what they might be able to do). I now see the full error of my ways!!!

But why dp people assume that everyone else is exactly the same as them? Is nobody else allowed to think differently? It drives me mad "Oh, OP, I was capable of understanding my friends with babies before I had kids, we are able to understand you know". So? I think the OP knows her friend and how likely she is to react.

OP

It probably hasn't occurred to her that you will be near your due date. Just tell her you don't think you will be able to make it, that you have been really trying to make things work but you won't be able to drive 3 hours with a newborn and if your baby is overdue you may be in hospital.

Say you are sorry to miss her big day but you are not a kangaroo an cannot put a pregnancy on hold.

If you feel she will badmouth you then decline on the group chat with your reasons so everyone can see. My two friends fell out over a similar thing when one of then announced her pregnancy at the others engagement party then the wedding was arranged for the due date. They still don't really speak

I wouldn't expect the bride and groom to go through all of their guests and message according to their individual circumstances to say 'you may not be able to come but... Blah blah'.

Surely they send out an invite to everyone and those who can't make it return it confirming they can't make it.

Why are you making a big deal out of this? It seems you just want a lot of attention and acknowledgement for being pregnant to be honest.

She invited you, you can't go. It's not for her to assume or message you anything. Just reply to the invitation like a normal person.

People can understand the impact fully without having a child. For some people, fully understanding the impact is the reason they don't have a child. It is rude, insulting and patronising to suggest that people will not understand.

If someone cancelled on a friend who had children and they were annoyed, what would the reasoning be then, if you can't whack them with the 'childfree are thick' stick?

The annoyance will probably come from you not telling her soon enough. You are keeping in contact with her regularly and know you have no intention of coming and currently she is thinking you are. This is completely down to you being rude and letting her think you are still coming and not the couple being childfree. Just tell her sooner rather than later.

I wish people would read the OPs updates before commenting about how annoyed they are that childless people have no idea what it's like to be 9 months pregnant/newborn in tow.

OP you are totally reasonable for declining, but a bit unreasonable for overthinking this. It's obvious you can't attend wedding.