Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 year old DD asking if I love her or my boyfriend more

212 replies

Lilyh229 · 25/07/2020 12:00

Name changed for this post. I've been a single mum to my 6 year old DD her whole life and met someone a year ago. DD does like him but has had her jealous moments. Recently she has started asking if I love her or my partner more. I have been answering that I love them both but in different ways but my mum thinks I should tell her that I will always love her more than anyone else in the world (which is true) so she feels secure. Looking for advice please, this is my first relationship in a long time

OP posts:
SuckingDownDarjeeling · 25/07/2020 14:01

@Lilyh229 I'm sure if you think about it, you know what you've told her already isn't true, right? You love them both the same but in different ways? Of course you don't. If he started calling you names and getting abusive, you'd likely tell him to do one. So do you actually want your daughter to believe that you feel the same about her, and one wrong move will have her out the door? Because most people know that's not how it works with our own children, kicking them out is the very last resort after seeking help from every avenue.

She'll talk to other children, who will tell her that their parents love them more than they love their partners. Then you'll be screwed, quite frankly.

What makes your new boyfriend just as important to you as the little girl you've raised from infancy?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/07/2020 14:02

WTF?!

Who do you love more, your 6 year old child or a bloke you never even knew existed a year ago?

Hmm, let me think!

Even if this were your H, her dad, the answer to a child would still be - you! Every time.

That's incredibly worrying that you feel you should 'even it out' in some way.

He should always be as NOTHING compared to her. Always.

NumbsMet · 25/07/2020 14:04

How does your partner feel about you telling your daughter this? If I were with a man who told his child he loves me as much as her, I wouldn't be able to stay in that relationship. That's not fair on a child.

ZoeCM · 25/07/2020 14:11

So why all this need to downgrade romantic love and declare oneself devoted to one's children.

We're talking about a six-year-old asking if her mum loves her more than a relatively new boyfriend! FFS.

fuckinghellapeacock · 25/07/2020 14:11

Good god, why wouldn't you tell her? My DF told us he loved DM more than us and it really hurt. When he had gone DM told us DF was "just a man she married" and she would "run into a fire for us" and "loved us more than anything" and "You can't begin to understand how much I love you until you have a baby of your own". They are some of my happiest memories. Tell her.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/07/2020 14:22

I am also confused by this. How is there any debate about who you love more, your own child, or your boyfriend of twelve months !!!!
I am stunned that you didn’t tell her of course you love her more, that the love of a mother for her child overrides everything.

Womencanlift · 25/07/2020 14:27

Why is this even a something something you have to think about? Surely the automatic reaction is “you of course” and move on with your day! It wouldn’t even be a discussion with my mum as it’s such an obvious thing

steppemum · 25/07/2020 14:28

”Well I love you differently but the love a mummy has for her children is the biggest and widest love that can exist in the world and I love you like that. No other love come close, you are the most important person in the world to me and always will be”

I love this and think it is the perfect thing to say. But what if the OP has more kids? What do you say then? You WERE the most important thing i the world to me but now you are one of 2 most important things?

Crankley · 25/07/2020 14:30

Op. I think you .I think you might be getting a bit of a tough time on here

Quite justified I would say. Every time I think nothing can shock me any more on here, along comes a thread such as this. The poor child is feeling insecure since you introduced this man into your lives and you tell her you love her the same but differently as a man you've known for 5 minutes and who may be out of your life any time soon. Imagine how that makes her feel.

Coldspringharbour · 25/07/2020 14:38

Of course you should love your child more than your boyfriend and you should certainly be telling her this on a daily basis. Something has happened to make her doubt her position in your priorities.

Bananabread8 · 25/07/2020 14:41

This is very disappointing OP!!! Do you need any more responses to your question? Children should come first in my book even before your husband!!! But a BF of 1 year....... Hmm

Ribrabrob · 25/07/2020 14:50

This has to be a joke surely?

Starlight39 · 25/07/2020 14:51

My DS asked me the same thing when I got together with DP. I said I love DS more and always would and he never ever has to worry about that as the answer will always be that I love him more. I didn't tell DP about the conversation but I'm sure he'd understand if he knew I'd said that. I don't think little kids understand abuot different types of love etc yet.

SimonJT · 25/07/2020 14:59

Of course you reassure her, you also don’t go into the different types of love as thats too much for a young child.

My son knows I love him, he knows I love my boyfriend, he also knows I love him more and always will as I tell him and I show him with my actions.

You’re shaping your daughters attachment to you and how she forms relationships as an adult.

eatsleepread · 25/07/2020 15:02

I love my children more than anything, and I'm a single mum. I've never, ever introduced them to a partner as nothing has ever been long-term enough.
My dad was the best when we were growing up. When as children we asked who he loved more - us kids or our mother - he always replied our mother.
And that's absolutely fine, as we were secure in our attachment to him. We were being manipulative in even asking (we weren't as close to our mother), and kind of respected his honesty.
Let's face it, most parents love their children more than their partners. But I'm really, really surprised that some of you tell your partners and children this! It's disrespectful and can't exactly do wonders for your relationships. Some truths don't need to be spelled out.

OhCaptain · 25/07/2020 15:22

You were being manipulative. OP’s daughter is being a six year old who has had a huge life upheaval and is looking for reassurance.

And judging from OP I’d say the child senses that she’s been lowered down the rungs of priorities.

Anyway, I do think your dad was a bit of a twat.

Who tells their children they love someone more than them?!

Mittens030869 · 25/07/2020 15:32

@OhCaptain I agree. The sad thing is that a 6 year old feels the need to ask this question. It shouldn't even enter her head that her mum doesn't love her to the moon and back. Sad

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/07/2020 15:41

Fuck me. OF COURSE you tell her you love her more!! How fucking thick can you be Sad

DancingInDespair · 25/07/2020 15:44

@eatsleepread

I love my children more than anything, and I'm a single mum. I've never, ever introduced them to a partner as nothing has ever been long-term enough. My dad was the best when we were growing up. When as children we asked who he loved more - us kids or our mother - he always replied our mother. And that's absolutely fine, as we were secure in our attachment to him. We were being manipulative in even asking (we weren't as close to our mother), and kind of respected his honesty. Let's face it, most parents love their children more than their partners. But I'm really, really surprised that some of you tell your partners and children this! It's disrespectful and can't exactly do wonders for your relationships. Some truths don't need to be spelled out.
It's hardly disrespectful to tell your children you love them more than anything or anybody else. It helps them to know that whatever- and truly whatever they do, you will still be there for them, even if you hate what they did. And a decent partner would know that without being told.
GracieLouFreebushh · 25/07/2020 15:44

Of course you tell her!! I tell my son I love him most in the whole world - I do!! More that my husband/his dad that I've been with since we were 15!! Why on earth would you not?

SimonJT · 25/07/2020 15:49

But I'm really, really surprised that some of you tell your partners and children this! It's disrespectful and can't exactly do wonders for your relationships.

If an adult feels disrespected because their partner loves their child more than them it tells us that the adult doesn’t have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship.

NameChange84 · 25/07/2020 15:52

How could you not love your six year old daughter more than this fairly short term boyfriend?

It shouldn’t be difficult to say you love her more because it should be the truth.

She’s obviously feeling insecure...are you leaving her out? Paying her less attention or being less affectionate? Have you stopped putting her first?

I feel really sorry for her. I know you seem worried about the relationship but you need to prioritise your relationship with your daughter before any man.

achickencalledberyl · 25/07/2020 15:53

Op is, I assume, hiding with shame at the ridiculous question

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/07/2020 15:56

I’m hoping the OP is just another bullshitter because it’s upsetting to think of a mother emotionally betraying her tiny kid like this.

Fressia123 · 25/07/2020 16:02

I tell my daughter (she's 10) that my love for everyone is the same but different. (It includes my DP -not her dad- , her brother and the dog). It's true though, I wouldn't be able to quantify who I love "more".

Swipe left for the next trending thread