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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 year old DD asking if I love her or my boyfriend more

212 replies

Lilyh229 · 25/07/2020 12:00

Name changed for this post. I've been a single mum to my 6 year old DD her whole life and met someone a year ago. DD does like him but has had her jealous moments. Recently she has started asking if I love her or my partner more. I have been answering that I love them both but in different ways but my mum thinks I should tell her that I will always love her more than anyone else in the world (which is true) so she feels secure. Looking for advice please, this is my first relationship in a long time

OP posts:
LavaLamp5566 · 25/07/2020 13:18

I tell my dd (4) that I love her more than anyone and anything - Because I do. I love her more than my DP and his boys, I love her more than I love my parents and siblings. I created her, you need to tell her she's the most important thing. For f*ck sake stop telling your child you "love her differently" to some bloke you've only known a year

I fully agree with your Mum. You need to reassure your child that SHE comes first

cuntryclub · 25/07/2020 13:18

Looking for advice please, this is my first relationship in a long time

It's not the relationship you need advising about. It's your parenting.

steppemum · 25/07/2020 13:20

@2pinkginsplease

Surely every parent loves their child more than their partner?
No. There isn't a more and less in this context. Dh and I created our kids together, we are a family unit and the love flows round it. Just as I didn't stop loving dh when dc1 was born, or love dc1 less when dc 2 and 3 came along, so i don't love my kids more or less than my dh.

Just as I don't love my own Mum less now that I have a dh and dc either.

But there is a special thing between parents (not just mothers) and kids, which is due to their dependance on us. So we would safrifice for them in a way I wouldn't for a DH.
My oldest is coming up to 18, and as he flexes his wings etc, and moves on and out of our house, my love isn't less, (and my worry etc certainly isn't less) but it is very different to how it was when he was 5 and totally dependant on us.

It isn't veyr helpful to quantify love like this.
For a 6 year old, they need to know they are loved absolutely and completely, and their needs will come first.

Elbbob · 25/07/2020 13:23

Based on your last line, are you worried what your partner will think if you tell your daughter you love her more? Because he is an adult and should completely understand you love your daughter more. Maybe have a discussion with him about it in case your daughter says something to him so he knows how to reassure her. Your daughters feelings of security is the most important issue.

twilightermummy · 25/07/2020 13:24

Just, wow.
How is your boyfriend with her? If she’s asking these questions now then there could potentially be massive issues down the road.
Put your daughter first.

BakewellGin1 · 25/07/2020 13:24

I've been with my DH 14 years and we have two boys who are both told I love them more then anything... And I do.

Yes I love them in a different way to my DH however in any way shape or form I love them more then anyone or anything.

I 100% agree with your Mum and have no idea why you wouldn't anyway

ChristmasinJune · 25/07/2020 13:27

She's still so little and by asking this she's trying to let you know that she's feeling pushed out and a bit insecure. I'd absolutely tell her that I love her more than anything and, sorry to be a bit harsh, it's a bit upsetting that you're reluctant to do that when comparing her to a relatively short term boyfriend. I'd go further than just reassuring her when she asks though, I'd be seeking opportunities to praise her, build her up, spend time with her and let her know how loved she is without even having to ask.

Make her really secure now because if you plan on having more children with your bf sorry it of an assumption there then you'll need her to be feeling really confident and secure first.

QueSera · 25/07/2020 13:27

Totally agree with your mum.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 25/07/2020 13:29

Maybe this is a wind up I think it is

Even for those parents that do love their partners more (and sadly there is many of them) they know what they should be answering

Many mothers and fathers love their partners more it’s very sad and often has a huge impact on their children, their emotional growth and their future relationships

bumblingbovine49 · 25/07/2020 13:33

Op. I think you .I think you might be getting a bit of a tough time on here

I don't think it's wrong to say you love your dp differently than you do your daughter, ( this is hopefully true) just then you need to add more explanation. So something like. 'Well I love you differently but the love a mummy has for her children is the biggest and widest love that can exist in the world and I love you like that. No other love come close, you are the most important person in the world to me and always will be '

You have effectively told her you lover her the same amount as your dp .I think the only time ' I love you the same'is acceptable from a parent to a child is if comparing with a sibling.

Haenow · 25/07/2020 13:33

YABVU. I felt insecure as a child when my mum started dating. I asked her this question and she said her love for me (and my siblings) was unconditional, unlike any other and she could never love anyone as much as she loved her children. I did begin to feel much more secure and I’ll never forget that she repeatedly told us these things and reassured us. She said we always came first and we did. We all have a loving relationship with our mum.

Haenow · 25/07/2020 13:34

@bumblingbovine49

”Well I love you differently but the love a mummy has for her children is the biggest and widest love that can exist in the world and I love you like that. No other love come close, you are the most important person in the world to me and always will be”

This sounds perfect. :)

Onemorefortheroad · 25/07/2020 13:35

My daughter is 8 and has often asked this in the past but I always tell her it's her I love most, more than anything in the world. I think children need that reassurance.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/07/2020 13:36

Astonished you have to ask.

Fucking hell. Your poor girl Sad

It should be obvious she comes first.

Wolfgirrl · 25/07/2020 13:36

Tell her you love her more every time. It's a normal question for her to ask and she needs reassurance.

LemonPeonies · 25/07/2020 13:38

Why would you love a new boyfriend the same as your own child? Confused weird.

OhTheRoses · 25/07/2020 13:40

DH together 30 years. Most loved DH in the whole wide world
DS, 25. Most loved son in the whole wide world
DD, 22. Most loved daughter in the whole wide world.

OP my parents divorced when I was twelve. My mother's subsequent husbands have been far more important to her than me and I have been expected to fit in. My mother and I have an arm's length relationship - my arm's length by a country mile.

You reap what you sow.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 25/07/2020 13:41

Do you love her more? If so, why not tell her that?

twinnursery · 25/07/2020 13:41

I have a DSD. I'd be very worried if DH told her he loved me more, and if my own DC were to ask I'd say I love them more than DH. "I love you both equally" is for siblings.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/07/2020 13:41

I agree that this little girl is asking for, and craving reassurance, and I think your mother is right, @Lilyh229 - you need to tell her you love her the most.

I am sure that your dd IS No1 with you, and that you love the very bones of her. And I am sure it won’t damage a good, adult relationship with your boyfriend if you tell your dd that you love her most. Frankly, any man who thinks he should be No1 over your daughter, is not a good man to have in her life. If you’ve chosen a good man, he will expect her to be your priority.

MRex · 25/07/2020 13:43

Your DD is feeling unimportant to you, you should be taking that very seriously indeed. If you don't feel you love her more than a bloke you're dating then get counselling, because that's unnatural. If you do love her, then why are you torturing the girl by not telling her so, what is your motivation exactly?

Mittens030869 · 25/07/2020 13:44

You should always tell your DD that she comes first, and that you love her to the moon and back. Young children need to know that their parents put them first.

I've never forgotten how I felt when my DM told us that she loved my F more than us. The problem there, admittedly, was that he was also sexually abusing us, and her saying that meant that he was even less likely to tell her about it.

It also wasn't true. Because when my DSis and I told her, as adults, she immediately stopped loving his memory (he's been dead for many years), and her love turned to hate.

Yes, it's a different kind of love, but it isn't actually as strong, although in passionate moments it might feel like it is. Because if you're a loving parent, when push comes to shove, your child will come first.

Just tell your DD that she will always come first.

BluebellForest836 · 25/07/2020 13:46

Shocked you even need to ask.

Of course you say you love your daughter more.

Adirondack · 25/07/2020 13:49

OP I think it’s quite telling that you have to ask this question. Your daughter is obviously picking up on something subtle and unconscious that is making her feel she needs to ask this question. For most parents this question is a no brainer: of COURSE they love their children more.
But something is going on here that you’re uncertain about this and not confident to express that your daughter is your priority. I wonder if subconsciously you’re worried about losing your boyfriend? Maybe some more time spent exploring your feelings and / or some counselling might help?

blosstree · 25/07/2020 13:57

If it's the truth, why would you not tell her this?!

It may look to her that you love your boyfriend more and you're trying to get around saying it. That's what it sounds like to me, whatever the truth is!

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