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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

6 year old DD asking if I love her or my boyfriend more

212 replies

Lilyh229 · 25/07/2020 12:00

Name changed for this post. I've been a single mum to my 6 year old DD her whole life and met someone a year ago. DD does like him but has had her jealous moments. Recently she has started asking if I love her or my partner more. I have been answering that I love them both but in different ways but my mum thinks I should tell her that I will always love her more than anyone else in the world (which is true) so she feels secure. Looking for advice please, this is my first relationship in a long time

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 25/07/2020 12:58

Tell her it is a different kind of love. The love you have for her is unconditional and always your No 1 priority. Explain what unconditional means.

The love for your boyfriend is conditional on your relationship continuing to make you happy and could change. Also your boyfriends love for you is conditional. This is what relationships are like and some people stay in love for ever, while others sometimes want different things and stopping loving each other when they no longer make each other happy.

Abitouting · 25/07/2020 12:58

Your mum is right. Sort it out OP. She needs reassurance.

Boom45 · 25/07/2020 12:59

Yeah. I love my kids more than I love my husband, of course I do. Not that I don't love my husband, he's awesome but hes not quite so good as my kids.
Tell her you love her more as often as she needs to hear it. If your BF is upset by this then he is not going to be a good stepdad or a good partner

strawberrypip · 25/07/2020 13:00

ffs - of course you reassure your 6 year old. come on OP

Illdealwithitinaminute · 25/07/2020 13:00

In this instance because she feels insecure, I would say her.

However, in my own relationship, I don't go round telling my children I love them more than their dad. Their dad is part of them and I don't think it's nice to make comparisons when romantic love and parental love are just so completely different. Once you start saying 'more', why not one child 'more' than the other. Love doesn't divide, it multiplies. I tell my children I love them all the time, I love them to the moon and back or whatever, I don't compare their love to other different forms of love.

My mum never told me she loved me as a child, she was a devoted and tangibly loving parent, and still is- declarations of love on top of that weren't needed. Love is a verb, as people are so often banging on about. So why all this need to downgrade romantic love and declare oneself devoted to one's children.

Weirdly, on the thread about husbands/partners recently, people were declaring that they would only be half a person, totally unable to live, had no meaning without their other halves. I found that equally strange.

Perhaps people just like to declare stuff!

Yeahnahmum · 25/07/2020 13:01

What the... of course you answer her like your mum suggested !!!
Especially considering this man your dating is only someone you met for 1 year. She is looking for some reassurance and you managed to fail to give that to her by saying your love them both but differently.

She is only 6! The only answer to that question would be: I love him, but I love you much much much much more

ChrisPrattsFace · 25/07/2020 13:03

Out of interest, why haven’t you told her that you love her more?
It’s incomparable, especially for a six year old!

MaryShelley1818 · 25/07/2020 13:03

Of course you answer that you love her more, she's your child and she's six.
I can't believe you haven't said that to her tbh.

ballsdeep · 25/07/2020 13:05

@WeAllHaveWings

Tell her it is a different kind of love. The love you have for her is unconditional and always your No 1 priority. Explain what unconditional means.

The love for your boyfriend is conditional on your relationship continuing to make you happy and could change. Also your boyfriends love for you is conditional. This is what relationships are like and some people stay in love for ever, while others sometimes want different things and stopping loving each other when they no longer make each other happy.

Wtaf?! She is six years old. She won't care about that bollocks. She wants to know if her mother loves her and she's the most important person in her life!
NorthernBirdAtHeart · 25/07/2020 13:07

Listen to your mum OP. Your poor little girl is clearly feeling insecure about your new relationship and feels she’s no longer the object of your undying love. Your child, who has been the centre of your world her whole life, has made it clear that she needs your reassurance that she won’t be abandoned for a fella who’s only been around a year.

And you really feel the need to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet whether you’re being unreasonable or not??

steppemum · 25/07/2020 13:09

She is looking for reassurance, so what you need to say needs to give that to her.

Saying you love them both but in different ways is too complex for this situation.

I love you, I love you more than anything else in the world. When you are a Mum, you put eveyrthing that your kids need first. So, if you needed us to live in a tent on top of a mountain, that is what we would do. (that also gives you a way of making a standing joke out of it if you like)

You can talk about loving lots of people too. I love Granny, she is MY Mum. I love xx who has been my best friend for 20 years. I love Auntie YY she is my sister, but there is something special about love between Mums and kids. That gives you a way of helping her understand love isn't limited to just her, but that she has a special place.

pigsDOfly · 25/07/2020 13:09

You love them both, but differently, really?

How would it even enter your head to give an answer like that to a 6 year old child who is looking for reassurance of your love?

If this isn't a wind up, it sounds to me like you're worried that if you tell your child that you love her more than anything or anyone your boyfriend might not like it.

I think you really need to think about why you're asking for advice on this and why your immediate answer wasn't what your DM said.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 25/07/2020 13:09

Poor kid. Destined to be another one that has deep seated issues and acts out. Then you'll be all "I just don't understand why she's like this!"
Get it together.

ukgift2016 · 25/07/2020 13:09

I'm surprised you even need ask this.

I met my partner when my DD was 6, I used too and still do (age 8) tell her I love you more and your my favourite person.

Tooshytoshine · 25/07/2020 13:11

Oh gosh, of course tell her you live her more!!!

Kaiisaclay · 25/07/2020 13:12

She’s not just being jealous, she’s a little girl who is looking for reassurance from you because she has clearly picked up on something that makes her doubt that you love her. She’s so little, you need to give her the reassurance because frankly any damage done to her self-esteem or her relationship with you now may last a very very long time.

2pinkginsplease · 25/07/2020 13:12

Surely every parent loves their child more than their partner?

howfarwevecome · 25/07/2020 13:13

OP, if your concern is that your boyfriend won't understand or would be upset by you loving your daughter more, as you should do, then he isn't worthy of being in your lives.

Mypathtriedtokillme · 25/07/2020 13:15

Oh course you bloody should.

I love my husband but I love my kids more.

My love for him is based partly on both of us upholding our side of a social contract but my children at 3 and 6 is just pure love.

randolph78 · 25/07/2020 13:15

I tell my kids I love them more than their dad and we're still happily married. He says the same and both of us feel that this is right. The love for a child is IMHO above and beyond the love for any other person.

Prettylittlelady · 25/07/2020 13:15

Yes, tell her you love her the most in the world - and do this not just today her every day.

OhCaptain · 25/07/2020 13:16

However, in my own relationship, I don't go round telling my children I love them more than their dad.

Not the same. This is OP’s boyfriend. Not an insecure six year old’s dad.

OhCaptain · 25/07/2020 13:17

Although she appears to have done a bunk!

pregnancydiet · 25/07/2020 13:17

Surely you love your 6yo more than someone you've known for a year?!

She's asking because she feels insecure about your love for her and needs reassurance. Give her it.

gumball37 · 25/07/2020 13:17

@PumpkinP

Wow I don’t know why you even need to ask Confused your mum is right btw
This right here