AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

YANBU at all, how mean of him, why is he making all these decisions on where you can or can't go though?

He sounds miserable. Surely the best childhood, if you can afford It, is a mixture of both.

So some big days out, some picnics in the park and some days doing nothing leaving the children to entertain themselves.

He sounds like a tight wad tbh. I think people on MN go a bit overboard with constant days out, planned activities etc but the odd day at the zoo won't bankrupt him.

What a miserable sod he is!

Live for today as the future isn’t guaranteed.

I’m with you, we weren’t well off but we had a break away most years even if it’s was just to my aunt and uncles caravan . I’d book a holiday and take the kids yourself. I wouldn’t have my children missing out just so he can retire at 55, sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our children.

Well, surely there's a compromise somewhere inbetween?
I agree that there are some children who rarely have the opportunity to make their own entertainment, mucking around in a stream with an old stick, but that doesn't mean that a day out at the zoo is a nice thing to do too.
But I will point out that, once he's (possibly) attained his ambition of retiring at 55, there's no assurance that he will be any more inclined to spend money on enjoying it, any more than he does now. Generally, one's attitudes to spending money are fixed in childhood.

I think there’s a middle ground here. I very rarely take my DC on “paid” days out and I can quite honestly say that there are very few days that have cost £50 that I think are worth it! There are some trips we’ve taken that they still remember fondly but other things cost a lot and were no more fun than a day at the beach with a picnic. So my default is always to look for something free to do!

We are generally in the free museums/art galleries/walks/picnics outdoors camp but do from time to time pay for an "attraction" - say perhaps once each holiday.

Have never taken mine to zoo or theme park, though I think we would if we were closer.

Why not? 50 quid three or four times a year won't hurt you financially from the sounds of it.

Being responsible with money is a good thing. But not to this extent. There are enriching and educational activities that can be done for free or little money- but equally it's penny pinching to never spend anything on things. It's lovely that he wants to retire at 55. Will he then be talking the kids to the zoo? Or spending quality time with them? Is he actually positive he'll live that long? Or that his kids will want to spend quality time with him? There's a balance to be found, and he's on the wrong side if it right now. He needs to make his (and their) memories now, because nobody knows what the future may bring.

Your husband is right up to a point in that you certainly can have memorable experiences without spending a fortune. If you can afford it, though, it's good to vary those experiences as much as possible by going outside the local area, visiting paid attractions, going on holiday.

What's more concerning is that you don't seem to have any say in how the family money is spent. If you want to take the children to a zoo and it's affordable, you shouldn't need your husband's permission. I agree £50 for four isn't exorbitant by any means. He shouldn't be vetoing you like this.

He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible.

So he thinks that the family's money should essentially be used for his own benefit rather than anyone else's?

I don't think children necessarily need expensive holidays but there should be some room for compromise with cheaper holidays and days out.

I don't think £50 is a lot, he probably is being careful with money however I am sure it wouldn't break the bank and would be a nice day out, there is certainly compromises I am sure so you can do free days out too!
I grew up with a Dad like this who always turned down any day out ideas etc always complained about money and how much things cost, in the end we just stopped asking.

I think if I had been brought up the same as him it wouldn't be a problem as I wouldn't know what my kids were missing out on. I sometimes feel we miss out generally because everything is a waste of money - a harvester meal is ok but not a meal in a nice restaurant. Cinema is a no go as a family unless it is saturday morning kids showing. I often do my own thing with the kids and put up with the moaning but if I want him involved it is only something free or very very cheap. We both have relatively good jobs so we actually do have the money to spend. I am going to start transferring half of my salary into a separate account and use it for a holiday for days out for just me and the kids for next years summer holidays.

Are you working OP? Do you have access to money ?

Do you work op? I’d want my own money with a man like that! Then you tell him he can stay home miserable while retired and you can accompany your children giving their children the opportunities he refused them. They probably won’t visit as long as you are happy to go to theirs. Why would they? He’s put his extremely early retirement well ahead of giving them good experiences and that will be obvious so they will leave him to it.

Sorry x post

YANBU, what a misery. His early retirement plans shouldn't be at the expense of his family's enjoyment of life.

As you work and contribute financially, you don’t need your husband’s permission to take your dc on days out. If you want to go, then go.

That seems kinda mean to never take the kids on holiday even if you can afford it. Surely if you have kids you accept that some money goes on enjoyable things for them. I'm certainly not against free fun but holidays are great imo.

He spends every waking moment making our money work by having different accounts here and there and looking at different investments. he has never had a loan or a credit card and we have no debt. He also has set up savings account for the children and is always adding to it and when I get cross with him because he won't spend out on nice things he says the kids will thank him as they have a good nest egg for the future!! Too much future planning for me. Live for today is my new motto!!

We have always done a bit of both, used to get 1 annual pass for local zoo or attraction each year which saved money as well if you have anything close. Still love a picnic on beach or walk in woods for a free day out

So your husband is controlling with money and selfish just so he can retire at 55? Wow what an awful man.

So when he does retire at 55 and your kids have grown up (I’m guessing?) is he going to take himself for days out and restaurant meals and holidays and all the things he wouldn’t do with his children, or is he just going to sit at home all day? Either way seems like a fairly miserable attitude.

He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc

Does he actually do these things with the kids, OP? Or does he just expect you to? Because it's totally possible to entertain kids on a low budget, but you have to be actually involved in making things fun for them, and it sounds more like he doesn't want to do much with them, but begrudges you spending money.

If he was regularly planning a lot of happy fun free outings or holidays that were free or very cheap he might have a point. But it doesn’t sound like he is.

How old will your kids be when he’s 55? Will they benefit from having him around more? How long is he planning to live? If he’s like this by nature it’ll just be the same when he retires - no spending, I might live to be 108 and have to hold on to every penny of savings.

Doesn’t sound much fun OP.

There is a balance to be had. Next weekend DH is taking DDs camping and to a theme park. The theme park is costing £75 (paying for GPs as well as a thank you for some help they've given). However back in February half term, a day out I gave the DDs was to a free Pet workshop at Pets at Home. They spend a lot of time playing in the garden or the woods behind our house. We camp in the Summer... But ski in the winter which is expensive.