AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

Are your D.C. able to do paid activities and hobbies? It sounds a bit miserable, understandable if you have limited funds but not is you can afford to give them these opportunities. Also ask him what he plans to do with his early retirement. Is he going to sit at home all day to save money or will he be doing what most healthy pensioners do like meals out, paying to see the world etc?

I think a balance is needed. It is important to plan for the future, but it's also important to enjoy the present. I think you can agree a set amount of "fun money" per month for eating out and going places. I took my kids to the zoo recently and they had so much fun and we even bought ice creams and a small souvenir each. We don't go places like that every weekend, but it's nice to do things once in a while.

Why does everything have to be his way?

Op is this really what you want from a marriage? Why are you with him? What a miserable way to live.

What's he going to do for the rest of his life if he retires at 55 and can't bear the thought of spending money?

He will get worse @LeafyGreen333 because then he will be on a set income which will dwindle with inflation. Believe me I am in this place.

I hate the phrase "making memories" but a nice mix of free days out/walks etc AND the occasional expensive day out is precisely what the kids will remember. Poor things if the only memories they'll have of their dad is of him being a tightwad and moaning about the price of everything. I am very careful with money, so use tesco vouchers for things like theme parks etc and that saves a lot. Yes, it's still expensive but those memories will last forever.

Intrigued as to what he's going to do with himself if he retires at 55 - will he still have the same attitude? He'll age very very quickly if he doesn't want to spend any money in retirement and won't go anywhere cos petrol is expensive etc. Don't they call it the grey pound? Retired people will need to be putting their money into the economy by going for lunches and theatre trips etc as our poor young ones are buggered.

Where do you and the kids fit into his early retirement plans?
I'm guessing you're the one left entertaining the kids?

How would he feel if the kids used their nest egg on a trip around the world or on experiences rather than something practical?

Life is too short to live like this.

This sounds like a miserable existence.

Like PP have said, what on Earth is he going to do all day/every day when he retires at 55 and has a limited income for the next 20-30years??!!

Book the zoo it will be cheaper 1 adults 2 children anyway we used to use Tesco vouchers for bigger days out I think nectar points do the same don't let him bully you to be as miserable as he is an occasional day out isnt going to scupper his plans.

This sounds very extreme... When I worked in local government everyone was older than me and all they talked about was how they couldn't wait to retire at 55. It was so depressing, like they were doing a prison sentence counting down the years. And obsessed with saving money. Living like paupers. What a waste. I think it becomes some sort of obsession, getting a thrill seeing the zeros on the bank statements.

Nothing worse than a meany. I would have to just take them to the zoo regardless. He's in a family, not just his decision I'm afraid.

I was thinking the same as SueEllen how will he feel when the children are given the savings, I would assume for tax reasons the money is in their names so there will be nothing he can do to stop them spending it all. I can't see him coping with that.

I have a close relative.like your DH she has not enjoyed one day of her life. She won't even meet people for a cup of coffee as it is a waste of money and delights in sitting in the cold/dark.
Moves money around investment accounts . She will leave nearly half a million in cash and I will get a chunk of that ( in her 80's)
I am planning to use the money to bring my dc on holidays and experience lots of places. She has taught me so much about the value of money .

I wouldn't live like that. I was Widowed in my 30's and we had holiday plans that never happened. I've now got health problems in my 50's and can't do the holidays that I once could.

You are wasting your life and the childhoods of your children. You only get one shot at each age stage. He isn't in charge. If you insist, you might find that you have to think about splitting, given his extreme reaction to the family party.

I'm usually quite careful with mone y but my goodness your dh takes it to a new and depressing level! Does he understand that your kids only have one childhood - by the time he is 55 and finally maybe ready to spend some of his money (although maybe not as other posters have said he is unlikely to change the habit of a lifetime) the children might be in their twenties and living their own lives.

Yes they probably will be grateful for the savings accounts, but will they be significantly more grateful if they have, say £9k in them compared to £8.5k (say ten years of theme park/zoo visits twice a year) compared against a childhood of missing out on normal experiences you could easily have afforded.

Will he even "allow" them access to their money if they want to spend it on things he doesn't see the value in, like a big wedding for example?

There's definitely a middle ground to be had. We mix it up and do lots of free stuff but also do days out and holidays because we want to enjoy ourselves.

IMO £50 for a family day out isn't too bad! It's about that for one entry to legoland.

I think he's being a tightwad.

We save our Tesco clubcard vouchers and use them to pay for trips out with DGD. To go to a zoo near us would have been £80 or something for all of us if we'd paid for tickets, but we got them for £32 when we found a Clubcard deal last year.

I wouldn't want to be spending my retirement years with this bloke. There'll be nothing fun to look back on and no treats to enjoy or look forward to. The kids won't come to visit because they'll be out spending money and won't want to sit in silence with a cup of tea and a single Aldi biscuit which is what Dad allows as a Sunday treat.

I could not be with someone like this, that he's not willing to make memories for you you as a couple and your children is very sad. It doesn't all have to be about spending money but he's not even open to anything other than the fact he is working on saving for HIS retirement. Selfish in my eyes, all about me! And what's he going to do when he retires, because his children probably won't want to spend time with him and he won't want to spend money going anywhere!

I would be sitting down and telling him he isn't "gauranteed" a life until he's retired, nobody knows what the future holds.

My children are older now and I've just started making those small albums of when they were younger, holidays, days out etc and we love looking through them and talking about the great times we all had, it's priceless. Please don't let him take that away from your children.

Blimey I think I’d seriously be looking at the future and considering my options . What is he going to do at 55 when he retires , just sit and study his investments all day ? . My dh grew up in a family where going out or going on holiday was a real event because it was rare , I grew up in a family where we had holidays , days out , horses etc . When our children were children we went anywhere and everywhere , had Merlin passes , indeed we were barely at home . Take your children to the zoo and leave the miserable sod at home counting his pennies .

He sounds miserable. Miserable to live with.

He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it

So he'll be retired. Bet you'll still be working though to prop it up, right OP?

And your kids will look back and wonder how he could do that when they weren't allowed to do anything that cost money as children. Anything.

Selfish git. why'd he have kids?

I'd hate this if it were me. My DP does have a tendency of being like this. I agree you don't need to spend a lot of money to make memories, but sometimes it's fun to do something exciting and out of the ordinary. Your DH sounds like a fun sponge.

Christ - if lockdown has shown us anything it's that you can get seriously bored with going to the park every day... And I mean as an adult - parenting should be enjoyable aside from being nice to your kids.

I'm probably too indulgent but I love treating my children! I'm not rolling in money but as far as I can afford it I take them to as many places as I can (or could) - Pantomime at christmas, a london show in the summer hols on the cheap ticket deal thing - I've taken them to Spain on a cheapy package and done the new Forest camping, Devon B&B, zoo, lunch out now and then... Yes it can be expensive but you only get to make those memories once. Tell him to get his hand out of his pocket and stop being so mean! The minute things open up again I'll be getting them to the pool, bowling, cinema etc..

I've just asked my young adult daughter if she felt she missed out at all. My husband has worked weekends and bank holidays since she was very small so we've only had a couple of days in the week during the holidays to do things. We've not had holidays - he can not take time off during school holidays and with 5 children theme parks and the like were out of our price range.

But she says she hasn't missed out on anything. She went on school trips and outings with Brownies/Guides to theme parks. Like her siblings she went on big trips with Guides or school.

They would go to the cinema with each other or with friends - I can only remember one family trip to the cinema and my husband and I both fell asleep!

For us a day out was a picnic or bbq on the beach or at the local country park and they all have great memories of our times together.

They did not need the high end entertainments to enjoy themselves. But I would have loved to have done more "big" things with them to be a part of those memories as well.

Like many others, I think there is a huge amount of middle ground here.
Most of what you are describing is actually how I grew up and how my dc have been brought up.
There is lot of pleasure to be had without spending money. You do sound as if you seem to think you have to 'make memories' by taking your dc to amazing places. My dc are now grow up. The "Do you remember when......" sotries and lovely memories are in no way in correlation with the amount spent on that day or that activity. So I think to an extent your dh is right.
I am often completely flabbergasted by what some families spend on things that will just be gone in an instant, or on things that you can enjoy for a fraction of the cost by a little planning or thinking.

That doesn't mean you don't go anywhere - the zoo, for example sounds lovely, but so does building a fire with your dc and toasting some marshmallows. You don't have to be spending money to have fun.