AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

Depending where you like National Trust and English Heritage annual passes are about £100 for a family and usually have fun play areas so good for kids.

He reminds me of Bill Bryson's father, according to Bill's books, his father's idea of a good day out was that it was educational and free, even if they drove 50 miles to do it.

My parents didn’t do fancy holidays because mum was a type 1 diabetic and hotels and restaurants were difficult for her. So we had caravan holidays at Whitsun in Wales. But we still had the occasional treat like the cinema or a theatre trip.

My ExH loved his holidays and we had a good one every other year which my DDs remember very fondly. He actually retired in his 50s but died within 3 years. All his plans for retirement never really happened. But at least we did stuff as a family when he was alive and the girls now have those memories.

OP, your DH could die early, or have an accident/become ill leaving him unable to do much with his retirement and just have lots of regrets that he missed out on doing some fun family things when he was able to.

We just go and leave him sitting now. I used to feel guilty for going but DP just wants to sit in all the time. My 2 DD and I have had so many fabulous days without him its become the norm. It's not all about the money, its true but memories are priceless and when the kids are away he will have no relationship at all with them because he wasn't there.

I can understand his viewpoint completely that holidays and days out don’t make a childhood better, and most children are content with a trip to the park and a picnic. However I think he is being mean not considering occasional trips. Memories are important, and I’m sure he doesn’t want your children growing up remembering their dad being tight.
Can you speak to him and compromise on possibly 2-4 day trips a year with the remainder being local/free/cheap. This way you get to spoil your children with theme parks, zoos and farms without it being constant. Or can you take them without him? It’s a shame for them to miss out on experiences just because he doesn’t agree with you.

YANBU. He's a tight ass. Your kids are missing out if you can afford these things. I want to give my kids as many experiences as I can. We don't have lots of money and we go without so they can have these holidays (stil! usually in the UK) and days out when we can.

He is BU as @2pinkginsplease tomorrow isn't promised. Not spending money so he can retire at 55 is ridiculous he could still retire younger and treat his family
Does he want you to retire at 55?

Id mot be able to accept that for my kids.

Ergh, he sounds like such a selfish prick.
What actually gets me about this is that everyone in the family goes without so HE can retire at 55. That’s not being wise with money, or because he grew up without. It’s self centred, self serving and there is no two ways about it.
Does this plan also include you retiring at 55? (Not that you’d want to, to be sat all day with this miserable bastard)

Sorry, I might not be understanding this properly. Is your DH planning to retire early partly on YOUR earnings? Are you subsidizing his early retirement at the cost of your own financial security and your children having fun experiences? From the sound of it, his early retirement will bring no joy to the family, because his presence doesn't at the moment. I wouldn't be encouraging it, if I were you.

If I were you, I would open a separate account, extract a fair amount of savings from your joint account to represent what you've paid in in the past, pay your earnings into your own account from now on and only transfer enough to the joint account to cover your share of the bills (it doesn't sound like you have a mortgage). You can then decide how much of your own money to save for your future and how much to spend on a few well-chosen treats for you and DC. He can fund his early retirement himself.

Btw, if you never really eat out, who does all the cooking? Do you share 50/50 or do you never really get to eat a meal that you haven't cooked/cleaned up after?

How about this for an idea? A couple of times in preschool years several other mums and I left our DHs/DPs behind and took our children on cheap off season breaks at Haven holiday parks and suchlike in September, two families to a caravan, so it worked out very cheaply. Once the older ones started school we'd go during the autumn half term, and enjoyed ourselves so much we added proper seaside camping holidays in tents in the summer holidays - we all had huge fun, drank a lot of wine (the mums that is) and made wonderful memories, and carried on for around ten years. My son christened them the 'Mumchum holidays'. As the kids got older and approached secondary school age these holidays gradually came to a natural end - but our core group of six mums carried on for several years having camping holidays on our own with neither DC nor DH/DP.
Now we're all in our late 50s/early 60s (!) we don't go camping any more but often meet up for tea and cakes on Saturday afternoons and occasional meals out together. So there's an idea some of you folks out there might like to try - these were golden times for our group of families and we have such lovely warm memories!

@MrsKoala My dad was v similar (only my mums alive, albeit mentally unwell.)

I didn't ahve new schoolclothes, never went to the cinema, often didnt have enough to eat, never went on days out, didn't do things for my birthday etc. I think he decided it was a mothers job and as she wasnt well he didnt see he should take over.

He completely resents spending a single penny on children. I felt so guilty as a teenager for anything that cost money and worked in anursing home to afford my school bus fare.

He retired at 50 on a salary bigger than mine now. I struggle so much with the resentment and contrast in living. He has stocks and shares left eight and centre.

He still wouldnt buy the kids an ice cream or any treats and spends £15 on them at xmas despite being loaded. Its "his money. " . We dont earn particularly well and so do struggle to afford the days out and treats. I so wish we didnt as I would love to treat my children in the way I wasnt. Would love a holiday abroad, wouls love a non mcDs meal out etc!

Tight and selfish!

Piss him right off, leave him and life a proper life.

*live a proper life

My DH is a bit like this. But, after a number of years I've decided to take more control of my income. I put an agreed amount into the joint account and the rest is mine to do as I please. I'm much happier about it, should have done it years ago (I always paid my salary into the joint account).

And we've never been in debt and in the current climate we are in a good position, do his prudence has set us up well.

DSIS husband doesn't like camping; she loves it, so she packs up and takes the kids away without him (which he's fine about) and they love it. She said to me that this was a very conscious decision of hers - if you don't want to come, I'm going to do it anyway!

Don't split. Just take control of your life / finances

What a scrooge! I agree there's a middle ground. We were poor when I was growing up and spent much of our childhood enjoying nature - walks in the woods, fields, trips to the beach (we lived on the coast), playing in the garden etc. I loved all this! I still love nothing more than being in nature. BUT now and then my parents would take us to the zoo, to theme parks, on holiday. We went to euro Disney, we went to France, Spain, Italy. Yes we really were poor - all our clothes were from jumble sales, sometimes we had to eat very basic food but my parents made a real effort to scrimp and save so we could, very occasionally, have a day out at a theme park, or every few years have a holiday somewhere. Your husband's approach to money sounds utterly miserable. Why should you all suffer. Can you save up some of your own money and rake your kids out?

Is your DH planning to retire early partly on YOUR earnings? Are you subsidizing his early retirement at the cost of your own financial security and your children having fun experiences

To be fair it sounds as if he sees his role to provide financially for all of them, and does not shirk his financial responsibility for stability.

And with the future our children may be facing, they may be very very grateful for the nest eggs he is building for them.

I do agree that there is a happy medium, but in our instagram/ SM infested lives high consumer-based ‘fun’ and ‘memory making’ (god, I hate that phrase, and how ironic: what could be less about focussing in the here and now) seems vulgarly out of control sometimes.

Be canny OP and develop your own ‘good value’ days out. NT membership one year, and make the best of it, English Heritage the next.

We did one Merlin Pass year on a deal.

Use Tesco vouchers, look up voucher sites... and point out to your DH what great value the Eat Out to Help Out initiative is.

Retiring at 55 he may we’ll be gearing up to being a fit active grandad who can pass his low maintenance outdoor interests to his grandchildren.

I very much wish DH and I had been able to retire at 55.

Find ways to achieve a happy medium that will serve you all well.

Not read the full thread. But a balance would be good. We didn’t have loads of money so expensive days out weren’t regular occurrence. However I have amazing memories of theme parks once I reached 9/10 and could go on the ‘Big’ rides. Trips to seaside to eat soggy sandwiches and play in the waves. So even a little money can go along way.

I do think kids benefit from free days out and kids love playing in the woods for example. We’ve just come back to the lakes and it’s amazing to see kids getting grubby climbing or playing in the water ( was bloody cold!) but even that kind of camping holiday needs a little money at some point. I didn’t have an abroad holiday til I was 13. But enjoyed Butlins and centre parcs probably more than sitting around a pool like my friends did.

My point is that you don’t need to spend loads but experiences are what kids remember. They will naturally compare themselves to friends as they get older and maybe question why.

Definitely split finances so you can do a little more with them but it doesn’t have to be to the degree you had as a child either. He won’t change and you’ll resent it more and more.

Retiring at 55 he may we’ll be gearing up to being a fit active grandad who can pass his low maintenance outdoor interests to his grandchildren.

So, having been an uninvolved father who takes no pleasure in his kids, he's going to become a super-involved grandfather who loves spending time with his grandkids .

Mine didn't. Hardly interested - "they're your kids..."

Retiring at 55 he may we’ll be gearing up to being a fit active grandad who can pass his low maintenance outdoor interests to his grandchildren

Yeah, because a man who shows absolutely no interest in his kids is really likely to become an involved, doting grandfather.
And who is to say he’ll have grandchildren anyway?

He's a shit Dad OP and he's mean.

Do you really want him retiring early?

Up your hours OP and make plans for a future.

Yours does not sound like a happy home.

I certainly don't believe endless days out or fancy holidays are a prerequisite for a happy childhood.

Have a father who isn't a "shit Dad" is.

@OneStepAheadOfTheToddler

Retiring at 55 he may we’ll be gearing up to being a fit active grandad who can pass his low maintenance outdoor interests to his grandchildren.

So, having been an uninvolved father who takes no pleasure in his kids, he's going to become a super-involved grandfather who loves spending time with his grandkids .

You never know. I see a few of my father's generation, who worked long hours, didn't see children very much, turning into very involved grandfathers because they feel they missed out.

However, in this case I doubt it.

Why dont you just book the tickets...