AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

There needs to be a middle ground. I have memories of queuing up to an attraction (paid) and my mum producing a bunch of bananas for a snack and having a thermos for her cuppa.

These days we do a mix, cheap UK caravan holidays (but girls are young and that might change) and occasional trips to zoo, but we've had annual farm or zoo membership before and parking permit so we go to the really good woods regularly. Also rare to have an ice-cream from a van, but will do sometimes as part of a special day.

It’s one thing being financially savvy and planning for the future but your DH sounds like an absolute misery. That kind of focus on penny pinching would leave me cold. Does he enjoy anything in life other than counting money? Why will it suddenly be ok to spend it at 55 if spending on things his wife and dc would enjoy now is not acceptable?

I don’t mean to jump the gun but make sure you know exactly where all savings/investments are, how much there is etc going forward. People who are this focused on money and so definite about how it should or shouldn’t be spent (especially when it comes to overruling their partner and dcs wants and needs) can often get worse as they get older. Just be careful you don’t find yourself compromising so much that you find you’ve given in to some very controlling behaviour.

What’s his view in spending on extracurricular learning for them?

Regarding childhood mine and my partners upbringing is very similar, what we bring in is not alot now (so we couldn't afford a holiday abroad) but we can do day outs, we do a mixture of both, lots of free things, or we combine certain things like going to London, but then doing all the free stuff and seeing the sites and then maybe a slap up lunch, there is somewhere inbetween for you both, I would be worried about your husband controlling where you go and the money

he has never had a loan or a credit card and we have no debt.

Just for that he is absolutely ridiculous.
Well done to him if he could afford to buy a house cash and didn't need a mortgage - that 's impressive - but credit cards are an excellent way to build a strong credit rating, are SAFE and help you earn all sorts of cashback or rewards.

It's not savvy, he's a kill joy.

Could you talk to him and agree a monthly budget specifically to spend on this kind of thing, rather than having to have the conversation every single time?

If he point blank refuses then you have a problem. You are a partnership, he can't just assume he's always right and you aren't entitled to a viewpoint.

Not going on holidays is missing out so much, it's ridiculously unfair on the kids.

If you can't afford it, you can't but otherwise ,why would you deprive your children from experiencing travelling, discovering new places, new cultures, spending family time.

I personally would refuse to deprive my kids from that experience.

There's a healthy happy medium, you have it by the sound of it as you don't refuse free outings, your DH is so unreasonably he could be one of the batshit posters on MN.

He is quite a shit dad really. He thinks providing for their future is what is important. He doesn't really relate to children at all and because he has never been to a theme park/zoo/ beach holiday and all these cost money he just doesn't see the point. He gets really cross seeing people fritter money away. My aunt and uncle had a beautiful party for their golden wedding they hired a hotel and it cost a fortune he was miserable the whole time because it cost hundreds of pounds. He was completely out of his comfort zone because he has never ever done anything remotely "nice"!!! He even offered a few months before to do the catering and buy cheap booze in aldi to save them money but they wanted the big glamouous hotel experience and he can't fathom out why!!!

I actually find stinginess a real turn off. You would think as he had little in the way of trips/experiences when he was a child that he would want more for his kids. He seems to be prioritising his retirement over their life experiences. It doesn't have to be expensive like people above have said. Maybe compromising on annual passes?

You are both unreasonable IMO. You sound like you have bought into the "making memories" tosh and he sounds like a tight arse. I also don't get why his decision is the final one?

surely you have some money of your own, from work or child benefit?

YANBU so he wants his kids to miss out now so he can live it up once they're adults.
My mum was skint when I was a kid but we always went out and holidayed, my mum sacrificed other things so we would have those memories and I'm so glad she did.

He will turn around in 10years time and realise his kids have no relationship with him and no memories- what a waste!
As for retiring at 55- why bother, he clearly doesn’t know how to enjoy life!

@HappyMealWithLegs

You are both unreasonable IMO. You sound like you have bought into the "making memories" tosh and he sounds like a tight arse. I also don't get why his decision is the final one?

it doesn't matter what you call it, offering a decent childhood and great experience to your kids is part of being a parent.

The only unreasonable thing the OP might have done is accepting for a tight-arse to rule the show and deprive her kids of a normal life.

He even offered a few months before to do the catering and buy cheap booze in aldi to save them money but they wanted the big glamouous hotel experience and he can't fathom out why!!!

Seriously? Other people spending THEIR OWN money got to him to that extent? Bloody hell !

He’s the epitome of the old saying “knows the price of everything and the value of nothing”. Will you or your dc ever be allowed to celebrate one of your big occasions or achievements with family and friends if it costs money? Will your dc be allowed to go on school trips that aren’t completely “educational”? Will you ever be allowed to have the experience and memories of day trips and holidays as a family, trying new food, cracking up laughing together at a water park and buying silly mementos?

I mean not everything is about money of course but it can be used to enrich life, not just with stuff but with experiences. He doesn’t seem to place any value on experiences. Such a miserable way to live. What does he add to family life besides keeping the accounts?

You sound like you have bought into the "making memories" tosh ok it’s a phrase I Loathe too but I think it’s more about experiences and fun days out with the family. I had a great childhood in that respect and wouldn’t limit my children’s experiences if I could afford it

Skipping the occasional day out to the zoo / farm etc to fund retirement at 55 is the same logic as skipping avacado toast to pay for your first house... it’s bulls**t. Even spending ~£1000 a year on days out - one good day out a month a day - is say £20,000 - £30,000 through to retirement and won’t make a material difference to lifestyle at that point.

You need to take some control here and take the opportunity to transform both your children’s lives and your husband’s experience. If you can’t do that you should think very seriously about the childhood you want for your children. (Bet the husband wouldn’t be so keen on providing for the future if you were divorced...)

I presume that you have access to money, why don't you just take them anyway?

He sounds a miserable bastard honestly take your kids to the zoo,museums ,theme parks, the beach and on holiday as much as you can and have a great time leave his miserable arse at home.

Reading your update, is he part of the FIRE (financial independence retire early) movement as some of that can be quite extreme? He sounds quite miserable and would be better agreeing a budget for days out/holidays but it sounds like he would like £0 for enjoyment. I never went on holiday as a child and we only did days out with my DPs daycare work. I didn't go on a plane until my mid 20s and I definitely missed out on experiences as well as feeling like what I enjoyed or wanted didn't matter.

What does he intend to do when he is retired ?
What are his plans ?
What are your plans ?

Tell him you will be a merry widow with all this money. Seriously though set up a household account for bills pay into that and the rest is yours. My OH is like yours he retired at 55 but he never begrudged the children trips etc.

I think it’s really important for kids to have free time to learn to make their own entertainment but lots of kids who do go to the zoo or a theme park occasionally also have this. Lots of kids who enjoy endless free/low cost activities don’t have that because their lives are very structured round walks and bike rides and making cookies etc. It’s not really a case of spending money means your kids will never learn to entertain themselves and not spending money means they will. He sounds miserly and joyless and is prioritising his hobby of hoarding the family resources over his children having days out. Why is his entertainment and enjoyment more important than anyone else’s?

I brought kids up before hashtags we took our kids out we didn't have much money but wanted to give them experiences and yes memories I can't see a point of doing nothing at all with children it is absurd.

This is so sad. I had holidays growing up but we never really had days out - we lived in the middle of nowhere and mum couldn't drive.

My kids have had a lot of days out and holidays - not always expensive. I find it's more important as they get older too tbh as it's properly dedicated family time.

Why are you letting him bully you? Book the zoo and go with or without him.