AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

In our early 60s now, and I sometimes think how much 'better off' we would be if we'd been careful over the years.

But our DC, DH and I have so many memories of fabulous holidays and times spent together, that all the money in the world couldn't replace. We still love going away together even now the DC are living away and earning their own living - it's about having fun together.

There has to be a balance, but money spent on enjoying time together can never be wasted.

What does he plan to do with himself with the early retirement? Watch countdown and antiques road show because they are free?

Depending on the ages of your children they will either be at secondary school, university or working by then I imagine, so probably won't be either willing or available to sit with him to make some more cheap memories.........

As others have said , no one knows what's round the corner. You don't want your children's memories of their dad to be on the lines of ". I wish we had done more with dad before he had a heart attack/got run over by a bus/ got early dementia/got diagnosed with a debilitating illness"

My brother died at age 36 leaving three small children. Luckily he left the happy joyful memories as well some sad ones.

I'd hate this. Days out are important to me as are holidays (even if we don't go every year). Can you take your children on your own?

@switswoo81

I have a close relative.like your DH she has not enjoyed one day of her life. She won't even meet people for a cup of coffee as it is a waste of money and delights in sitting in the cold/dark. Moves money around investment accounts . She will leave nearly half a million in cash and I will get a chunk of that ( in her 80's) I am planning to use the money to bring my dc on holidays and experience lots of places. She has taught me so much about the value of money .

That's really sad, there's no point being a rich corpse.

My mum is a bit tight (though generous) and hates to waste money on silly things. Like if I buy her something she will have to return it and then buy sale items instead. She was brought up in a very wealthy family that fell on hard times while she was little. Her childhood wasn't great and she watched her parents wasting money on appearances while not having enough money for food. She's a very practical lady but still manages to enjoy her life.

What a tight arse. Sorry, when I was growing up I never went on holiday as my mum didn't have the money and had 5 children (so I understood). I decided that when I had my son, that things would be different. We've been to local events, but also on lots of trips abroad. If your partner doesn't want to go, why can't you take them. I don't understand why he seems to be making all the decisions, don't you have a say in this. My son is over 20 now and we still talk about the things he did when he was younger. Memories and experiences are important.

So he wants to retire at 55. If I was you, I would be worried having to live with the miserable tight git when he retires.

We made lots of memories, hope to continue with GCs but it is as others said not all about money. But things like the zoo, animal parks, etc. are lovely to do. I cannot really recall foreign holidays spent with family, nor can they. Disney leaves me cold so expensive, but others think it was memorable.

You don’t need him to come on the days out anyway , apart from our annual pre Christmas trip to Disneyland Paris my dh rarely came on days out because he was working . I also agree it’s not all about spending money , although I’ve never been one for packing a picnic etc . My dad died very suddenly at 50 and I’ve got lovely memories of when we children watching him play cricket and when we got older of him helping with our horses .

Surely it's possible to save for their future and still have the odd holiday? Sounds like he has an extreme fear of debt and obsession with scrimping (this might stem from his childhood). Is he against spending for Christmas and Birthdays too? Holidays don't have to cost the earth; when I was a kid we did Eurocamp and YHA holidays and I have great memories.

£50 for a zoo shouldn't be a problem for most people. Something like say spunking £25 on instantly forgotten tat in the zoo shop [which some people do], that I'd object to on a tight budget.

I'm more sympathetic regarding eating out, it depends on your income but maybe Harvester is an appropriate price range - OP says "nice restaurant" but that's a purely subjective term, loaded with OP's own wants. Maybe OP is talking about something irresponsible. A lot of this boils down to how much money you actually have.

@SantaClaritaDiet

he has never had a loan or a credit card and we have no debt.

Just for that he is absolutely ridiculous.
Well done to him if he could afford to buy a house cash and didn't need a mortgage - that 's impressive - but credit cards are an excellent way to build a strong credit rating, are SAFE and help you earn all sorts of cashback or rewards.

It's not savvy, he's a kill joy.

I agree with the poster I quoted that he isn't money savvy. Credit cards have Section 75 protection. So if a company you purchase an item from a company that goes bust you can reclaim the money from the credit card company.

Also depending on his age now he may not be retiring early at 55. They still have to pass the bill to put the state pension age up and may increase the early retirement age in the process.

Finally as an older parent who knows other older parents he needs to be aware children are only little for a short time. The men I know who are older parents particularly if they have older children make the effort to spend time with their children during the working week. This often involves doing paid for activities with them.

He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible.

‘He needs’?

Hmm. Just be careful you don’t get in a situation where you’re spending your salary on days out for the kids/family while he’s amassing savings.

He's an arsehole and I loathe to imagine what your retirement years will look like, OP. That's a very cold and mean attitude. And also very selfish - "I will not take my kids to the zoo because I want to retire at 55 and do fuck all."

What a miserable existence for you and your kids

I see it’s been asked a few times but do you work?

That’s really shitty. Depriving his children of an enjoyable childhood so that he can retire early.

Selfish is what it is.

Agree there is a middle ground.

I always have a mixture and ds and I have always planned together (just is so it's family decision).

Each summer holiday he has

*few days sports camp
*a week away (cancelled this year - happily!)
*free visit each week to local attraction/NT etc
*day out each week (theme park/swimming pool)
*2 days a week on a walk/beach/picnic

Other days at home where he's expected to help with housework and entertain himself. I usually read these days. Supermarket etc.

We never do 2 days out in a row.

I also agree with those who say it's family money and it's awful to prevent kids from doing fun stuff with the idea it's teaching them some kind of lesson.
Because sadly the lesson they learn probably isn't the one he wants them too.

There are loads of families - more so this year - who would love to be able to take their kids out for the day

If you divorce him that’ll fuck up his retirement plans.

Not saying you should, but it’s a reminder that the money is not all his.

He is quite a shit dad really. He thinks providing for their future is what is important.

But he's not being a miser to provide for their future, is he? He's doing it to provide for his own.

He’ll be retired at 55 with no one around to enjoy it with at this rate.

This would genuinely be a deal breaker for me. My DH husband was brought up in a similar way to yours the difference is that now he loves days out and holidays but I kind of forced them on him to begin with. I’ve told him I won’t let us turn into his mum and dad. Sitting at home every day and never going anywhere. Not for me at all. We have a historic Scotland membership and I’m happy to make sandwiches etc but I need holidays and things to look forward too.

You say he’s a shit dad, other than his penny pinching what does he bring to the family table?

Of course there is a middle ground - you shouldn’t splurge every penny and then be unable to, say, fix a broken dishwasher or maintain your house - but I would say the children’s childhood are key years to enjoy.

Life is for living

My dh grandad was like that Worked his whole life, was paid out his holidays rather than took them deprived his wife any experience and enjoyment and died miserable we inherited and benefited from it but what’s the point???

@MooneyBadger

Is it really for the kids though? He can access the money any time he wants. Somehow I think he’ll find it to actually relinquish the money. For a tight person, that will be extraordinarily painful.

*find it hard to

We do alot of free stuff and keep holidays days out that cost for birthdays so my ds wanted to go to the zoo we took him for his birthday we don't have much money to spare and I was from a skint family however I would have liked a nest egg for the future if parents saved for me as an adult my best memory as a kid was climbing trees swimming in a lake all free dont really remember the day trips also depends on how old your kids are though