AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

We have a NT pass, and 1 nearby attraction annual pass. We take our own food and drinks, but will often have an ice cream or tea and cake.
We use the sun savers for cheap holidays, and always self cater, but will have drinks during entertainment and ice creams etc. Usually have lunch out. When on holiday we will do a mixture of free and paid for attractions.
Small is only 3, and is likely to remain an only child. We do play with her, but she also wanders and makes her own entertainment.
Surely there is a middle ground here?

What a joyless miser. Tell him he could be dead of a heart attack at 54 and you'll blow every penny on a family trip to Disneyworld. (Actually, don't. Disneyworld is awful!)
Why do you ask his permission? Book the zoo - if the miserable bugger doesn't want to come, leave him at home.

We have just had this conversation. Looked at my daughter who is ten and realised that she is growing quickly and we need to have some fun. I am fed up of scrimping and scraping and decided to start enjoying ourselves. We will save when the kids have left home!

He is being unreasonable and tight. I do a mixture with DS - today we are going to the park, I'll probably buy him an ice cream there. Spend a fiver maximum and we'll have a great time. In February we are going to the Bahamas on holiday.

I grew up poor and while I did love the free activities we did I want DS to have the opportunity to do things I never got to do.

There's a balance. Why should his views be more important than yours?

I also plan to retire at 55, however not at the expense of my children's childhood. We've done a mixture of national trust membership, merlin passes or big holidays. (florida being the biggest). I also make sure our money works for us and I'm careful to make sure we don't overspend on other things, and the only debt we have is the mortgage.

I agree, this sounds miserable.
I came from a background of kids can entertain themselves, no holidays, and an abiding memory is being bloody bored. Like you, my parents could well afford it. As an adult I judge my parents for it (my parents were useless with money though, so they frittered money away on shit. Shit they wanted).
I think that it is incredibly selfish of your husband to be so mean: to value his own happiness above all others. So he wants to retire at 55 at the expense of not treating his own children? Controlling what/where you eat?
My own children remember things from days out that I actually have forgotten. We talk about stuff we have done. Believe me, eventually your children wont want to have days out with you, but maybe at that point your husband will be basking in his early retirement.

Where's the middle ground here? Foreign holidays and lots of days out aren't the reality for some but why does it have to be so all or nothing? Couldn't there just be a scaling back so only some days out, ask for membership for Xmas etc. Your DH can't simply decide on early retirement and then the kids can't do anything ever because he said so and out himself first. However, £50 for a zoo trip would be big for us and I suspect you'll find a yearly membership to a couple of places would work out cheaper in the long run.

My kids are probably being brought up more like you where.
We have a lot of free days out to forest parks, beaches etc and bring picnics. We also have cheap seaside holidays and places like legoland, Chessington, longleat etc but staying in premier inn to make it cheaper. Normally one foreign holiday a year. We are by no means we'll off but all our money is put into family time. I have noticed though with lockdown they are appreciating everything more now, so we are planning on doing cinema, bowling less often as we had got to point of doing something every weekend.

Just think how much fun retirement is going to be with him. It will be another 30 years of this but with even less spending.

He sounds miserable. I would hate that.

I take my kids to zoos, theme parks, Beaches, parks, farms, museums.. the lot!
We go on caravan holidays, cheap breaks and we have took the kids to Mexico, Disneyland Paris.
Il look at ways to get it cheaper if I can. If I can’t then il pay what I have to pay!

I want my kids to look back on their childhood and think about all the great times we had... not that my parents had the money but were to tight to go to a zoo!

Besides I hate being bored, stuff staying at home all the time. Yawn.
My partner agrees and to be honest if he didn’t we probably wouldn’t be together as I won’t have anyone tell me I can’t take my kids for a day out when I have the spare money.

Being savvy and not a spendthrift is great but he's also being selfish. He wants a life of permanent holiday from the age of 55 and is making everyone else suffer in order to pay for it.

Will you be retiring at 55 too?

Life is different from when you were a child. Kids aren't allowed to run around the streets and woods 'making their own fun' any more. No other kids will be doing that, so there's no-one ot play with. Because of increased road traffic and changed attitudes to risk, what used to be normal is now seen as borderline neglect.

Far more normal kids' activities are 'paid for' activities now.

Yes, picnics and free museums are great but you can afford more variety, your DCs' friends will be doing more and yours will be relatively, missing out. All for their Dad's life-long holiday aspiration.

He sounds miserable. Surely the best childhood, if you can afford It, is a mixture of both.

It's one thing to encourage self play if that's the only option. But it's miserable, mean, and selfish to deny your DCs the occasional treat out. Kids remember these things.

It sounds like he'll be looking to a lonely early retirement.

He sounds like a tight git.

You get a say as well. If not leave him, there's no joy in him.

There is a middle ground to be had.

How old are the children? Will they have left home by the time your DH is 55? What are his plans when he retires, will he just sit at home and watch his investments grow or actually spend some money?

I find it quite depressing that everyone’s lives are on non negotiable hold, just so he can sack it off at 55.

What does he plan on doing then? Sit looking at the walls?

How will your life change when he retires? Because if you are doing all the cooking, cleaning and dull life admin, How sure are you that he’ll step up and do his share? Or will you be cooking and cleaning found him and the extra meals and mess because he’s home 24/7?

I have a feeling you are all making sacrifices now for a future that will benefit only him.

Fuck that.

My friends dad retired early and dropped dead a few weeks later.

Life is too short.

Have fun while you can and the kids are young enough to enjoy your company.

You don't get that time back.

Do you work ?

Look on www.gov.uk to see how much a state pension is at age 68+

If he is penny pinching now, when he is working. I suspect that he will penny pinch even more if he is retired !

There is so much to see & enjoy in the world locally, in your country & all over the world

Do you have access to view all the accounts & savings, it is family money, so why not ?

It's family money, so why does he get to have all the say ?

Do you have access to any of the money ?

Could you pay for it or do you put your money together ? Remember it's your choice too how money is spent.

I can not believe how miserable and tight he is being. His kids haven’t been to the zoo so he can retire at 55?! How selfish. He’s putting all of your happiness below his own.
OP my mum is 47. She has secondary breast cancer, she may not live to see 50 let alone 55. I hate to be morbid but the future isn’t guaranteed.
I truly understand saving for the future, but not at the expense of living today. There’s a difference between being extravagant and treating your kids a little. I honestly could not be with someone who is this tight on the purse strings.
Can you imagine how resentful your children will be? I don’t know how old they are but they will realise one day.

DOES he take the kids for picnics and walks etc op? Or us that what YOU'RE meant to do whilst he's making sure your money earns him an early retirement? !

Yes yo u can have ltos of fun for free or v cheap, but there's also times when there's no way to see or experience something without a cost.

I'd def start putting some of your wages away to enjoy stuff

Good for him for being savvy but for goodness sakes this is just wrong.
Do you think it has tipped into obsessive behaviour ?? He may need some help to reassess his relationship with money. Is he anxious / fearful when he does spend - is his retirement plan masking things. Sounds v difficult for you. Good luck !

And no, don't sacrifice your own pension and savings to become sole funder of fun. Either you're a partnership, or you're not.

Agreeing with everyone else about the best being a mix of both. I remember the occasional days out with great fondness. The Tower of London, Hampton Court, Hever Castle - these are educational days out which my sister and I absolutely loved. They brought our school lessons to life. The zoo is also educational and a great treat - made watching David Attenborough documentaries even better!

We had lots of walks, cycle rides, picnics and cheap seaside trips (luckily for us we had grandparents in Dorset). But proper days out a few times a year were so special.

He’s a miser. Holidays are so important, as are days out.