AIBU or is hubby? Days out and holidays.

[jackandjill12]

I had a really lovely childhood my parents did loads with us. We had great holidays, my parents were quite well off so our holidays were often holiday cottages or hotels abroad. We were often taken for days out to zoos them parks etc and I loved it and made great memories. However my DH still says he had a good childhood but he never went on holiday or out for days out mainly because they couldn't afford it but also because his mum always was and still is of the school of thought that kids should make their own entertainment without needing an adult to provide it. We are comfortably well off as me husband is very very careful with money ie saving and rarely spending it. He wants to retire at 55 so he needs all the money he can so this is possible. So no holidays, days out or meal out for the kids as we can't afford it. He says memories can be made with picnics, and walks in the wood, free museums etc .Because I did so much I feel my kids are missing out . My DD just asked to go to a zoo hubby looked at the price £50 for 4 of us (not bad!!) and he said absolutely no way, a total waste of money. They have only ever been to attractions with school or cubs. AIBU or is he just being money savvy???

[quote honeygirlz]@MooneyBadger

Is it really for the kids though? He can access the money any time he wants. Somehow I think he’ll find it to actually relinquish the money. For a tight person, that will be extraordinarily painful.[/quote]
Absolutely. If he can't even bear to see his in-laws spending their own money, there's no chance he's going to be letting his children anywhere near the money in his own bank account.

Christ, are you married to y ex partner? I used to have to put my foot down and insist that we went out and did things (which were a mixture of free and paid)

"Absolutely" meaning "You're absolutely right".

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

If you divorce him that’ll fuck up his retirement plans.

Not saying you should, but it’s a reminder that the money is not all his.

So true! I'd threaten him with divorce if he doesn't start enjoying life!

I'm more sympathetic regarding eating out, it depends on your income but maybe Harvester is an appropriate price range - OP says "nice restaurant" but that's a purely subjective term, loaded with OP's own wants. Maybe OP is talking about something irresponsible. A lot of this boils down to how much money you actually have.

I agree with rattus on this ^ .
So much depends on your budget (and also security of income etc). Personally, I'd rather go out 4x for 1/4 of the price, than once at an expensive place. There are others who would turn their nose up at anything less than 3 figures for a meal. Horses for courses. But we only have the OP's version of what a 'nice' restaurant might look like, and how much disposable income the family have each month is unknown.

My son is over 20 now and we still talk about the things he did when he was younger. Memories and experiences are important.

I agree - 2 of my dc are in their 20s and youngest is 18. It is about the memories, but IME (age dependent of course) my dc loved doing things like the free craft session at the library, going for a picnic in the local woods, and to the open day at the local fire station, just as much as the odd 'big trip' we did.

Bit of both is the way to go. Being prudent with money is good to a point but none of us know what is around the corner, he might not live to 55. How about a cheaper wildlife park? Collect Tesco clubCard points perhaps and buy with them.

You can have it both ways; it's totally possible to have good days out and fun holidays on a low budget. We have to do so because we're skint. Some of our best days out have been free, such as when we went to see the moon thing last year, and some that cost an arm and a leg: Beamish, for example, cost us about £50 for a family ticket which is a lot for us but that gave us a free 2nd visit almost a year later and my children remember it fondly.

Why does he get to decide what to do with your family money? He can save his own share if he wants but surely you get to decide what to do with yours? Do you work? If not, I'd suggest getting a job and using the income from that to give your children some enjoyable childhood experiences before they grow up and it's too late.

Could you leave him at home and go with a friend or another family member instead? He might approve if there is one less person to pay for.

Do you have your own money or access to family money? Why can you not just take the kids out yourself- save you £12.50 on a trip to the zoo if he doesn't go? If I were you I'd start enjoying life with the kids and let him wallow, maybe the penny will drop that he's missing out on the most important years of his kids upbringing.

I couldn't live like that if I had the money and opportunity to do otherwise. Saving is obviously sensible but life is for living.

So he is sacrificing their childhood so he can retire at 55? What a selfish prick. I could not be married to someone like that. They have one childhood, once it's gone, it's gone.

My childhood memories of doing stuff is brilliant and it is exactly what I do for DS. If we are in all weekend I am bored so probably an extreme end, but doing days out brings him and me (and his dad) so much joy.

If you can afford it just do it without him.

He sounds tight. I think a balance. We do beach and cheapy things then another pricey day out. You need enjoy life too.

Just read your last update. He sounds utterly joyless and I can't imagine he has any good points... Have my second ever ltb!

I think this is a question of balance. Why is he so obsessed with retiring at 55? Wouldn't it be better for him to get a job he actually likes and have a nice life in the present?

I think any parent worth their salt would be prepared to work a few extra months for their kids to have a richer childhood.

El He was annoyed at your relatives spending their money on their party? Just not normal.

I am going to start transferring half of my salary into a separate account and use it for a holiday for days out for just me and the kids for next years summer holidays.

Good move. Your dh sounds utterly miserable. So when he retires at 55, he’s going to what? Sit and count his money by candlelight?

I don't agree with "making memories". You either remember things or you don't.

But being a tightwad isn't attractive, and there should be a middle ground. Your DH can retire at 58 instead and spend a bit of money, in my view.

Though YABU to want to go to a zoo (in my opinion).

I am not keen on days out but I'd definitely rebel over holidays. You need time away as a family to do and see something different.

How are you going to feel when he does retire? If he suddenly decides I've worked hard all my life and now I'm going to enjoy my retirement, let's go on holiday? Can YOU enjoy it knowing that your children missed out all those years? Or is he going to continue this frugal lifestyle? In which case, can YOU enjoy living like this forever?

Financial meanness is deeply unattractive. What mitigating qualities does he have?

You need to do things in order to remember them, no @cologne4711?!

The TESCO vouchers suggestion is a good idea, you get much bigger savings on 'experiences' than on say shopping.

Blue Peter badges are also really good, kids [with a paying adult - but both parents don't always have to go] can get into loads of good places for free. The kids can get a badge by sending in any old crap, just a scrappy drawing will do.

I note that the kids already go to cubs, that's actually a pretty decent starter in terms of a decent amount of activities.

Camping trips are well worth considering.

I agree that special memories are important. A good way to help boost these is IMO to go places with other families, the kids will have way more fun if they're able to run around in a little pack.

e.g. during this week I took my kids to a local beauty spot, they met up with their cousins who they'd not seen in ages. we had to pay £12 to use the site's parking [with admission otherwise free]. on a stricter budget we could have parked a couple of miles away and walked, but it'd have put a fairly serious downer on things. ate a picnic. at one point the kids asked for fizzy drinks, I said no, we'd brought [tap] water bottles. at one point they asked for ice creams [something absurd like £3 each], I said yes because it was a hot day, they don't often get chance to eat that sort of thing, it'd been a couple of hours since lunch, but on a very tight budget I could have said no without very seriously impact the day out [could maybe have brought some nice sweet or chocolatey type tihngs from a supermarket]. Most of the fun came from splashing around in a river, playing with sticks and stones, etc. we took some great photos and videos, I think they'll remember the day for a long time.

Different strokes, but I was always very conscious that none of us know how long we are going to live and I dreaded the idea of something happening to my dd before she grew and not at least being able to think that I'd given her a good life, however short.

As other posters have said - is it him who steps up to do the picnics, free museums, bike rides and walking in the woods?

How does he approach things that get more expensive as the DC get older: shoes, uniforms, haircuts etc? Does he think that as soon as they're 15 (or whatever) they need to pay their way to a major extent with a job? If so I think they will be very keen to have their own say in how they spend their time, and you might lose them. I knew someone who was tempted away from school aged 17 (and due to resit the equivalent of GCSEs ) because he looked at a proffered job in terms of 'X pairs of shoes.' Led to a lot of household conflict due to settling for the qualifications he had at that point, but I can see where he was coming from, and on the other side I have always thought this was such a deep shame, but he was desperate for his independence and no slack was cut.

What a joyless twat. Never a day goes by on this site where I am not glad to be single and full of relief that I no longer have a man having The Last Word on anything I want to do with or for my children.

It is a depressing way to live. Children will grow up and leave home, and they won't have fond memories of all that cash piled up in an account they never saw and never benefited from.

I'd keep just taking them out where you can and frankly lying to the boring old sod. He can live for his boss and his ever-growing number on the bank balance sheet, but you and your kids have a life to live.

What a tight arse! What a miserable way to live. So the children never get to experience days out, even though you both can afford it? So sad, I feel sorry for your children.

Oh god it does just sound so joyless. I genuinely couldn’t be married to somebody like this. Your kids have never been to the zoo with you when you are perfectly able to afford it? That’s actually really sad. I would either (a) tell him x amount of our monthly income is going on “fun” (dinner, holidays, zoo, cinema, theme park) and you can either come or not come - but it’s not open to debate (and make sure it’s from the joint money, not just your money); or (b) divorce him and live a happier life. Retirement with somebody who never does anything and won’t spend any money when he has plenty will be really miserable.