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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not sure how to react to DP’s aunt

178 replies

cafesandbookshops · 24/07/2020 07:50

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in WWYD or AIBU but here goes.

I met my DP while travelling in his country and have recently returned to the UK after living there with him for two years. Before this move, I stayed at his aunts house for a month as a kind of trial to know the area better while I was visiting on vacation.

His aunt is a very strong personality. She is very loud and quite pushy and does local social projects/political campaign work, which is admirable but has form for only calling us when she wanted us to vote for her or do something for her.

They charged me around £100 for the month which I didn’t have a problem with as I know they don’t have a lot of money. During this month, DP’s cousin (whose only source of income was illegal taxi and courier work) crashed his car, probably by driving in a stupid way.

His aunt pleaded with me, crying hysterically for me to lend them the money to fix the car as it was their only source of income. I didn’t really want to give any more money as i had already paid a months rent but she said that without it they couldn’t work, she promised to pay me back immediately etc.

I ended up giving them another £100 which was probably a stupid thing to do but I made sure not to give more than I could afford in case they couldn’t pay it back and they never paid it back.

I asked them for it once in a non confrontational way and she told me she didn’t have it so I let it drop but it left a bad taste.

We don’t get along generally I guess a clash of personalities but she can be very overbearing. The culture is very music and dance oriented so there were lots of parties with bands playing the native dances. They’re not easy but I tried and she would always stare at me and burst out laughing or start whispering to people next to her. My DP just told to ignore her so I did and I was polite but distant with her, knowing I wouldn’t have to see her again after I left.

Since arriving back in the UK, she has been commenting on my pictures Saying how beautiful it is and how she can’t wait to visit me. I feel annoyed as she has never been very nice to me and only every makes contact when she wants something. When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa, preparing a room for her, showing her around etc. I know I should probably ignore her but she continues to be over friendly with me despite the lies etc and now in public on my fb page.

Out of curiosity how would you react?

OP posts:
ThousandsAreSailing · 24/07/2020 07:54

I think it was a mistake to stay a month with her. £100 for a month is nothing
You can hardly complain about her staying with you when you stayed so long with her. You should have found alternative accommodation

Destroyedpeople · 24/07/2020 07:54

Well as you stayed on her house for two years on a minimal (for the UK ) rent and only gave them an extra 100 quid in that time I don't really think you have any choice.

Destroyedpeople · 24/07/2020 07:56

Oh a month..Sorry. ...I misunderstood.
Still the Aunt will expect payback.
She wasn't doing it if kindness o don't suppose.

JizzPigeon22 · 24/07/2020 07:57

Yabu!!

CodenameVillanelle · 24/07/2020 07:57

@Destroyedpeople

Well as you stayed on her house for two years on a minimal (for the UK ) rent and only gave them an extra 100 quid in that time I don't really think you have any choice.
She stayed there for a month, not two years
cafesandbookshops · 24/07/2020 07:58

Thanks for your replies.. yeah after the month I moved into my own accommodation and we hosted them there various times so it’s not a one way thing.

I wasn’t expecting the £100 for the month rent back. It’s more about the additional money that I paid for her car that she promised to pay me back.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 24/07/2020 07:59

Depends what country it is - £100 girls nowhere in Sweden, but would go a long way in Africa, for example.

Any chance this dp needs a visa to live here, which you can now help with?

Destroyedpeople · 24/07/2020 08:01

The problem is that if you talking about..I don't know...Maybe Bali or similar...the aunt might have an idea of you as 'rich' and fair game.
She won't see you as 'family' I don't suppose.

Standrewsschool · 24/07/2020 08:01

She kindLy put you up for a month (£100 would just about cover food costs) so it wouldn’t hurt to be kind, especially at a distance. You don’t have to respond to her every comment.

However, it does look like she expects to come and stay with you soon, possibly long term.

helpmum2003 · 24/07/2020 08:03

What are your long term plans for the relationship?

CodenameVillanelle · 24/07/2020 08:04

If I stayed with my ex in laws I'd cost them less than £100 a month but I'd have paid more.
I also would have expected to contribute towards random expenses such as the car fixing because I could (not that I'm well off, but I could find £100 for them)
Difference is they wouldn't have asked. My ex would! But his family wouldn't. Random relatives might have expected them to though, ones who didn't know me well personally, because I could. That's kind of normal in some cultures.

Rewis · 24/07/2020 08:04

What are the odds for her actually visiting? So could you respond with something non-committal like "it really is pretty" or "thanks". Are the problems between you so bad Thatcher visiting for a week would really be bad (and to make sure she has a return ticket)?

As for the £100 she didn't pay back. Yea, she said she would pay it back so she should but I would write that off as either rent for the month or helping out family since in the long run it's not life changing money for you.

Ellisandra · 24/07/2020 08:04

Some cultures are very open about asking family and friends for favours.

It sounds like a combination of cultural and personality clash.

Laughing when you were dancing... could be her being really mean, or you not having a sense of humour. But you were there... so I’ll assume the former.

You’re in different countries now - just ignore her comments. It’s only Facebook 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe get it straight with your boyfriend though - that you’re not prepared to ever host her. Nip that in the bud before it happens.

CherryPavlova · 24/07/2020 08:04

Feels a bit mealy mouthed and unforgiving of human variance.

cafesandbookshops · 24/07/2020 08:06

It is a very poor country so £100 over there goes a long way.

I do feel that they see me as being better off than what I am. During the time I was there I lived in a nice apartment which probably looked quite expensive as it had a pool\gym etc. But it was actually paid for by my company so I wasn’t paying for it. My income here is average.

During the time I was there I started off by being quite generous and open with them but have possibly given them the wrong message as they would often come over and bring Other people with them Without asking.

She also once made a joke like look everyone cafe is scared someone is going to rob her!!! Because I was wearing my bag as I went to the bathroom and other things that make me wary of her.

OP posts:
Destroyedpeople · 24/07/2020 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sportsnight · 24/07/2020 08:08

£100 for a month is so little. Could she really feed and house you for £3 a day?

cafesandbookshops · 24/07/2020 08:11

I am still with my DP and we are applying for a spouse visa for him so he will be coming over. It everything goes to plan she will be in my life for a looong time so that’s why I’m not sure how to respond.

I think the non commital responses and trying to ignore are probably the right way to go.

@Destroyedpeople I don’t think you’re racist I’ve experienced it myself. When my DP moved in with me so many people that he used to know began contacting him again. One guy that he’d only ever seen at the gym asked him to buy a new pair of trainers and people started dropping by to visit us without asking. The aunts son (so DPs cousin) also had to be thrown out for getting drunk and damaging our apartment.

It’s probably the accumulation of little annoyances that’s making me unreasonable rather than just her.

OP posts:
Destroyedpeople · 24/07/2020 08:12

I seriously doubt she did it fir the money but more for the payback.
And OP I wouldn't invite her over she will get a job and you won't be able to ask her to leave.

RandomMess · 24/07/2020 08:13

Well you have a few options...

Block her
Make it known if she wants to come stay with you it will be the £100 that she owes you plus £x per week as £x is the equivalent in living cost value over here.

This makes it clear that you will not be providing her a free visit and if she stays with you that you expect her to pay her way at that equivalent rate of the costs in this country.

You are not some rich person she can take advantage of!

Takingontheworld · 24/07/2020 08:13

Is it south africa op?

cafesandbookshops · 24/07/2020 08:14

@Takingontheworld

No, it’s a country in South America.

OP posts:
cretelover · 24/07/2020 08:15

I'm confused. Did you live in the UK with your DP or the other country?

Shizzlestix · 24/07/2020 08:16

Why is she on your social media? Can’t you un-friend her and limit who sees your pics? I would block her. She isn’t a close relative and your DP is aware she’s annoying you. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

onalongsabbatical · 24/07/2020 08:17

What does your DP say about her?

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