Not sure how to react to DP’s aunt

[cafesandbookshops]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in WWYD or AIBU but here goes.

I met my DP while travelling in his country and have recently returned to the UK after living there with him for two years. Before this move, I stayed at his aunts house for a month as a kind of trial to know the area better while I was visiting on vacation.

His aunt is a very strong personality. She is very loud and quite pushy and does local social projects/political campaign work, which is admirable but has form for only calling us when she wanted us to vote for her or do something for her.

They charged me around £100 for the month which I didn’t have a problem with as I know they don’t have a lot of money. During this month, DP’s cousin (whose only source of income was illegal taxi and courier work) crashed his car, probably by driving in a stupid way.

His aunt pleaded with me, crying hysterically for me to lend them the money to fix the car as it was their only source of income. I didn’t really want to give any more money as i had already paid a months rent but she said that without it they couldn’t work, she promised to pay me back immediately etc.

I ended up giving them another £100 which was probably a stupid thing to do but I made sure not to give more than I could afford in case they couldn’t pay it back and they never paid it back.

I asked them for it once in a non confrontational way and she told me she didn’t have it so I let it drop but it left a bad taste.

We don’t get along generally I guess a clash of personalities but she can be very overbearing. The culture is very music and dance oriented so there were lots of parties with bands playing the native dances. They’re not easy but I tried and she would always stare at me and burst out laughing or start whispering to people next to her. My DP just told to ignore her so I did and I was polite but distant with her, knowing I wouldn’t have to see her again after I left.

Since arriving back in the UK, she has been commenting on my pictures Saying how beautiful it is and how she can’t wait to visit me. I feel annoyed as she has never been very nice to me and only every makes contact when she wants something. When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa, preparing a room for her, showing her around etc. I know I should probably ignore her but she continues to be over friendly with me despite the lies etc and now in public on my fb page.

Out of curiosity how would you react?

No its not 'racist' it's true sorry.
It's not about 'race' it's about economics.

Yes, it’s about economics, and they can affect you regardless of your culture. So why say some cultures are very quick to take advantage?

Yes, it’s about economics, and they can affect you regardless of your culture. So why say some cultures are very quick to take advantage?

I would think it is probably true of people from any poor country who view the West as rich, so no, I wouldn't regard it as racist either.

Assuming that poor people who view Western people are rich are ‘quick to take advantage’ is racist. Sorry that people can’t see that, no wonder the world is fucked up.

Oh stop tripping over yourself to be so 'right on' about 'cultures' and equality.

People from poorer countries often perceive people from richer countries as fair game to gain access to said rich country. Ok?

Thanks for all your replies everyone. They’ve been really balanced and helpful.

I agree that I need to let the £100 go as it didn’t cause me any financial hardship and they did need it. I don’t mind even giving people money to help them out in tight spots as I understand life there is totally different and much more difficult than here. I think what bothered me was the dishonesty and the promise to repay it when she knew she couldnt. I would probably still have given it even if she had said she could never paid me back and there wouldn’t be any hard feelings . I just prefer people to be honest about it.

My DP and I had ups and downs as a couple there, partly caused by the kind of people he was inviting to our apartment, who in my opinion were taking advantage by doing things I had asked them not to (smoking and throwing cigs off the balcony, playing loud music late at night which led to the admin threatening to contact my company, one friend even tried (and failed) to set up a business and put out address on his business cards without asking us! I like to think of myself as quite an open minded, generous person. I’ve always enjoyed meeting people and travelling off the beaten path and seeing the true culture of places but these things did leave me feeling a bit stressed out.

My DP and I spoke about it and made an effort to move on and the relationship was very positive for the last year. I believe we have a genuinely strong connection. He wants to work hard and send some money home each month to his family. I made it clear to him that this could only happen after he pays what’s due here and he agreed. I agree it has the potential to cause tension because they are his family and I want to be understanding but I also don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Last Christmas I was there and I bought individual presents and cards for all his immediate family and his aunt/cousins. I was away visiting my own family but when i returned almost none of them said thank you. I guess we just have different expectations and I need to learn to care less and let things go.

@Destroyedpeople

When you say that it’s due to culture, it’s racist Destroyed.

I never said the word 'culture' you did. It's not 'racist' it's reality

I'd just block her on SM, ignore any comments about visiting and write off the £100.

It doesn’t matter if you blame Brexit or anything else.

I’d say that I’d looked into the visa system and now it’s all changed and you are unable to sponsor anyone etc, it’s all done centrally through points yada yada. Sorreeeee !!

I agree with the cultural mismatch regarding helping family. Like poster mentioned upthread, I had a relation who was paying for his nieces/nephews to go to private school whilst his own were in the local sink comp. we can’t get our heads around the fact that birth family trumps your own offspring (let alone wife).

I’ve seen a few similar relationships amongst my close friends. For the ones that got to marriage, all have ended in divorce, but not until the DH (and it has always been the DH) has managed to get British citizenship. I feel like a cynic for saying it’s just a coincidence and I’m not usually naive.

@Destroyedpeople

I never said the word 'culture' you did. It's not 'racist' it's reality

You’re backtracking big time. You said

...and some 'cultures' are very quick to take advantage and get their whole family over and working even if they don't much like the intended host(ess).
Please don't tell me I am 'racist' or whatever I do have some experience of this.

£200 is nothing for a month's stay; you'd have paid £100 a night for b&b. However you were given 'mates rates' which were pretty good.

Regarding her coming over to visit, just ignore. Don't go on social media for a while, it will wear off.

Is your boyfriend here with you, is the relationship ongoing? It could be more difficult to refuse her if he is living with you. It might be a good idea to let her know, indirectly, that you live in a small place (virtually a kennel :-).

I doubt the woman meant you any harm but it is very bad manners to take the mick out of someone who is probably self conscious anyway. She cannot do that now, you're too far apart, but again, not a bad idea to have that conveyed to her somehow. If she is basically good hearted she'll take it on board. She is what she is, as are we.

Please don't worry in advance about something which may never happen. Lay low for a while and get on with your life.

Note the word 'culture' in apostrophes to show I was quoting someone else....?

cafesandbookshops that was your apartment they were in. It wasn’t your boyfriends. Your boyfriend himself and his mates were taking the piss out of you. Any man who genuinely cared about his partner would not behave like this.

I think you know deep down you are being taken advantage of and your boyfriend is the root of it.

Nope don’t hide behind that @Destroyedpeople

Eliisandra said ‘Some cultures are very open about asking family and friends for favours.’ and you twisted that into some cultures are quick to take advantage. Which is racist.

Personally I would come off social media and let your DP interact with his own family. If you invite her to stay then make it for a fixed period. Make up a reason if you have to like saying you have building work planned or other guests arriving.

@Destroyedpeople you can try and shut me up saying I’m ‘right on’ or ‘bleating’ but I will always call racism out.

@Lilybet1980

I’ve seen a few similar relationships amongst my close friends. For the ones that got to marriage, all have ended in divorce, but not until the DH (and it has always been the DH) has managed to get British citizenship. I feel like a cynic for saying it’s just a coincidence and I’m not usually naive.

Let's face it, Lilybet, so many people end up being divorced for all sorts of reasons, all the time and regardless of where they come from. The op isn't married but lived with the man for two years so knows him better than any of us.

From what she says it is likely, now she is home again, she may feel they are not compatible. It's not the end of the world, of which she has gained experience, some good, some not. Travel certainly does broaden the mind.

Op how sure are you your DP isn't just towing the line until he gets a Visa. I know this is harsh but you've said he made some really bad judgments in the past could he be on your side until he's over here then change tact?

'Call racism out' my arse

Maybe the extended family from a poorer country who took advantage of my naivete and good nature to establish themselves here was my imagination. Or perhaps I should shut up about it in case some sap accuses me of racism for describing my own experience.

You wouldn’t even admit you said some cultures take advantage. I’d rather be a sap than someone who makes racist comments and then denies them. 🤷‍♀️