Not sure how to react to DP’s aunt

[cafesandbookshops]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in WWYD or AIBU but here goes.

I met my DP while travelling in his country and have recently returned to the UK after living there with him for two years. Before this move, I stayed at his aunts house for a month as a kind of trial to know the area better while I was visiting on vacation.

His aunt is a very strong personality. She is very loud and quite pushy and does local social projects/political campaign work, which is admirable but has form for only calling us when she wanted us to vote for her or do something for her.

They charged me around £100 for the month which I didn’t have a problem with as I know they don’t have a lot of money. During this month, DP’s cousin (whose only source of income was illegal taxi and courier work) crashed his car, probably by driving in a stupid way.

His aunt pleaded with me, crying hysterically for me to lend them the money to fix the car as it was their only source of income. I didn’t really want to give any more money as i had already paid a months rent but she said that without it they couldn’t work, she promised to pay me back immediately etc.

I ended up giving them another £100 which was probably a stupid thing to do but I made sure not to give more than I could afford in case they couldn’t pay it back and they never paid it back.

I asked them for it once in a non confrontational way and she told me she didn’t have it so I let it drop but it left a bad taste.

We don’t get along generally I guess a clash of personalities but she can be very overbearing. The culture is very music and dance oriented so there were lots of parties with bands playing the native dances. They’re not easy but I tried and she would always stare at me and burst out laughing or start whispering to people next to her. My DP just told to ignore her so I did and I was polite but distant with her, knowing I wouldn’t have to see her again after I left.

Since arriving back in the UK, she has been commenting on my pictures Saying how beautiful it is and how she can’t wait to visit me. I feel annoyed as she has never been very nice to me and only every makes contact when she wants something. When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa, preparing a room for her, showing her around etc. I know I should probably ignore her but she continues to be over friendly with me despite the lies etc and now in public on my fb page.

Out of curiosity how would you react?

@cretelover I lived in my DP’s country for just over two years and have recently returned.

I told DP and he told me to ignore her because the chances of her coming are slim.

No one else in the family speaks a word of English but her and all of his cousins have openly stated that they want me/him to help them get a visa so they can come over. Whether that’s for a holiday or to stay isn’t clear.

Well I suppose as she let you stay at her house for a month when you first arrived, she is expecting the favour to be returned. Frankly I couldn’t get worked up about the £100, you knew at the time you gave it they would be unlikely to pay you back.

Op put your foot down now and state categorically that you will not be used to get visa's for anyone else and that your house is not a hostel for new arrivals.

Honestly they will take the piss .. big time.

The fact that you stayed with her for a month is by the by. You paid for that end of story.

Bloody users.

I would let the £100 go

I guess it’s not just about the £100. Sorry to drip feed. I guess it’s more about the fact that they seem to see me as an opportunity for them to take advantage of and on the surface they are so enthusiastic about me but in reality they aren’t even that nice to me.

They showed zero interest in getting to know me as a person when i was there and now they only talk about visiting me and visas etc. I wouldn’t mind if they were honest and hard working but they’re not.

Tell them unfortunately Visas have changed due to Brexit.
It is now done on points, having a professional job here already lined up and having enough to live on.
That you will both just have to visit them again.
Then never go.

The aunt would nee a family visit visa and that would not be possible until after your DP was in the UK. It would not be easy to get the visa and I imagine that if they didn't have the £100 for car repairs that they will not have the money for a flight and spending money so you would by the sound of things be paying for any holiday!

I would just block the lot tbh. It's not like you will have to see them often?

I think this has the potential to be really difficult in your marriage.

Are you sure you want to marry this person if his family are so pushy?

Someone said £100 would go a long way in Africa. This isn't an attack on whoever said it, but it drives me mad when people lump 54 countries together. £100 might go really far in some parts of Africa, but wouldn't stretch very far at all in others!

I've had a little experience of this when travelling abroad, some people who you have a small connection/acquaintance with will ask you to give them money, send things to them once home, help 'sponsor' them. They see western tourists as extremely rich and privileged as indeed we are by comparison. Literally someone I'd just been having a brief friendly chat with wangled my address out of me (I know, stupid, shouldn't have given it) and then sent several letters asking for help with a visa etc -always accompanied by a lot of flattery and begging. I said 'sorry, I can't help, best of luck, goodbye' and didn't reply again. I prefer to donate to charity.

It's slightly different for you in that you stayed with her and she is related to your DP. I imagine in many countries £100 rent is fine but the car 'loan' is a piss take. You will not see that again. However, it's clear what the game is and you need to ignore her or be firm in saying you can't help. Will your DP be helping her and other family members once he's got residency?

Your being a mug. This family see you as a ticket to the UK. You already know what she is like as she treated you like crap. As soon as that spousal visa is set up she will be on her way.

@jesusandjollof 👏🏻 Well said.

If your partner is telling you to ignore her, surely the answer is pretty simple. Go along with him. Ideally, grey rock her, gradually start cutting her out of social media, stop responding to messages, and do the same with her hangers-on.

@cafesandbookshops I have traveled a lot (more than average) and through poorer countries too (Asia, ME, Europe). *Also I am not British.

The relatives see you as a ticket to the rich world. Not in a bad way or a good way, all they see is west = better life.

I would be very clear. IF they come, it will be a VISIT with a start date and an end date. Flights have to be booked both ways. and they have to say they understand it is a holiday. If you can accommodate her in your house, I'd bite the bullet and do so (especially as a hotel/airbnb can be quite expensive for two weeks or so).

Your DP will have to back you up on this. If he refuses do not even entertain helping them to get the visa. Also in a nicest possible way have a friend or someone you trust analyse your relationship to make double-sure it's love and hope of a life together that is making your DP wanting to come over, if you know what I mean.

In all of this I am hoping your partner does not actually see you as a ticket in to the UK let alone his auntie.

This is a list of minimum monthly income by country in South America.

It is very possible she found it difficult to connect to you combined with her over bearing personality rather than was ignorant of you as a person.

Having been to a SA country myself only for a short while but had more of a local experience as it was for a wedding of someone from the country (bride), you really really need to let the £100 go.

I found the family of the bride very overbearing and these were higher educated, wealthier people. What mum said was absolute. Dad drove round with a pistol beside the handbrake. Different world.

@Destroyedpeople

...and some 'cultures' are very quick to take advantage and get their whole family over and working even if they don't much like the intended host(ess). Please don't tell me I am 'racist' or whatever I do have some experience of this.

I agree but it's not necessarily taking advantage - they see it as their right . What is it they say 'marry a COUNTRY NAME woman and you end up supporting her whole family " . Seems like the reverse is true too . Unfortunately Westerners are seen as having endless capital and actually being too soft towards people !

To be honest this relationship will end up being very difficult for you and you should reconsider. The Aunt could end up being a complete drain on your finances and any money your dp earns could end up being sent to his family. You could end up supporting your dp while all his earnings are sent home and you will not be able to build anything together.

If you make a life with someone from a different culture then there will be differences in family expectations that have to be negotiated. People from poorer countries will often look to family members from the more affluent West for financial aid. It happened in my family in the sixties and my parents only moved from rural Ireland! Nevertheless they were then seen as well off by their family standards. They sent money home to my GP every week and were expected to host an endless succession of young relations as they came to London to make their own ‘fortunes‘.

Later in life I worked as a couples therapist for a large charity in a multi cultural part of the U.K.. A lot of my couples were from different backgrounds and different cultural expectations were a constant source of conflict. Women from the U.K. couldn’t accept that their children might have to go without whilst the partner/husband was sending money to support sisters/brothers/parents etc in his country of origin. The men in their turn didn’t understand why their wife/partner didn’t accept that this was his duty, as much as supporting his family in the U.K. was. It might seem old fashioned or patriarchal to us but it’s what those men were raised to do.

There’s no right or wrong here OP, just different expectations of family obligations. You and your DP will have to decide together how you want to proceed. It will probably be be difficult to do but with good will and compromise on both sides it’s not impossible.

Whatever else you decide, write the £100 ‘loan’ off. By U.K. standards it’s not a large amount to give to a family member in need and you say your self it’s a lot for your partners country. It seems petty to harp on about it.

Oh I forgot to refer to the £100 and my take. Idk which country you were in. But I don’t think it was very much whichever country you stayed in. I imagine you continued to be paid your western wage, which would have gone a long way. Plus you had free accommodation. I’ve been an expat too...

Did any of these "native dances" involve a lot of red flags being waved, OP? Because I can see quite a few.

@Destroyedpeople

...and some 'cultures' are very quick to take advantage and get their whole family over and working even if they don't much like the intended host(ess).
Please don't tell me I am 'racist' or whatever I do have some experience of this.

But it is racist. The behaviour you describe an be happen in any culture / race, they’re not limited to one particular one.

@jesusandjollof

Someone said £100 would go a long way in Africa. This isn't an attack on whoever said it, but it drives me mad when people lump 54 countries together. £100 might go really far in some parts of Africa, but wouldn't stretch very far at all in others!

Except it isn't Africa @jesusandjollof and @Ellisandra. The OP said it was a country in South America.

Tell them unfortunately Visas have changed due to Brexit.

How would that impact someone coming from South America?

@StatementKnickers