Not sure how to react to DP’s aunt

[cafesandbookshops]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in WWYD or AIBU but here goes.

I met my DP while travelling in his country and have recently returned to the UK after living there with him for two years. Before this move, I stayed at his aunts house for a month as a kind of trial to know the area better while I was visiting on vacation.

His aunt is a very strong personality. She is very loud and quite pushy and does local social projects/political campaign work, which is admirable but has form for only calling us when she wanted us to vote for her or do something for her.

They charged me around £100 for the month which I didn’t have a problem with as I know they don’t have a lot of money. During this month, DP’s cousin (whose only source of income was illegal taxi and courier work) crashed his car, probably by driving in a stupid way.

His aunt pleaded with me, crying hysterically for me to lend them the money to fix the car as it was their only source of income. I didn’t really want to give any more money as i had already paid a months rent but she said that without it they couldn’t work, she promised to pay me back immediately etc.

I ended up giving them another £100 which was probably a stupid thing to do but I made sure not to give more than I could afford in case they couldn’t pay it back and they never paid it back.

I asked them for it once in a non confrontational way and she told me she didn’t have it so I let it drop but it left a bad taste.

We don’t get along generally I guess a clash of personalities but she can be very overbearing. The culture is very music and dance oriented so there were lots of parties with bands playing the native dances. They’re not easy but I tried and she would always stare at me and burst out laughing or start whispering to people next to her. My DP just told to ignore her so I did and I was polite but distant with her, knowing I wouldn’t have to see her again after I left.

Since arriving back in the UK, she has been commenting on my pictures Saying how beautiful it is and how she can’t wait to visit me. I feel annoyed as she has never been very nice to me and only every makes contact when she wants something. When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa, preparing a room for her, showing her around etc. I know I should probably ignore her but she continues to be over friendly with me despite the lies etc and now in public on my fb page.

Out of curiosity how would you react?

Can I just give a person experience which might temper the racism thing in part? Is some/all of it just not about 'people who are perceived as being richer, and can afford it'? My Dsis lived for a long time with a millionaire (until she ran off with one of his drivers in a modern version of Lady Chatterly, when she found out 'money can't buy me love', but I digress). She has many tales of how 'friends' would try and stiff him for the large part of the bill in a restaurant, and how often an extra couple of bottles of wine would accidently be put on the bill by the restaurant. This is in the UK btw. My DSis had a habit of scrutinising every bill, when she realised what was happening, but it didn't stop people/businesses trying it on.

To add... I met my dh when he was a builders labourer and I was working in a profession, lots of people who didn’t know him said he was marrying me for a visa. Found it insulting, as if that’s the only worthwhile bit about me. We got on though, I knew he was the one for me, he was hardworking, ambitious, intelligent. He had a degree in structural engineering.

After we got married he set up his own companies and now I’m running my own small business from home for a small salary, while his businesses are making millions. I own half of everything though as I invested in it all at start up. You never know what the future holds but if you believe in your partner go for it. My dh and I were together for 4 years before marrying so we didn’t rush anything, people still said he wanted the passport though.

@dogperson05

Of course you're being unreasonable. Poor women hosts you and wants to visit uk and for you to host her and you don't seem to think you should? And you should have offered to fix the car! You have £100, why did you wait for the aunt to beg? Then mentally keep an IOU and want the money back? That's really grabby, if I was your DP I would be worried that you're not caring or generous. If you can help someone you should. Maybe the aunt didn't get to know you as to seem stingy and slightly judgemental - sorry but I'm with your aunt

Oh give over, that's the stupidest thing I've read on here 🙄

I agree with others, now that you're back in the UK you need to have a long, hard think.

A couple of things stood out on your part. If your company was paying for the apartment, were they OK about you having him 'move in' with you? About you in a later post referring to it as 'our' apartment? About him inviting over people you really didn't want there, and who could have screwed you over with your company?

While you were there (and he was living presumably rent free), who paid for things? For food, for nights out, for petrol, for anything else you can think of?

What are his plans for working if he gets here? He says he wants to work hard and send money back home, but what is he saying that is concrete? What is his current job and how long has he been in it? What are the skills he has that would enable him to get a job fairly quickly? Presumably you were over there for a fixed term on business so he knew coming over here couldn't happen until you'd finished - but now, how much pressure is he putting on you to get things sorted?

Lots of questions you need to ask yourself while you're away from the situation. Of course he could be absolutely genuine, you may be the love of his life, but look at his behaviours as well as his words before you commit.

Cultures differ in what is considered acceptable to ask for, and what families share, we are a very individualistic nuclear family oriented society and this can rub up against a more collective wider family oriented society very easily. If you don't have a welfare state or it is very impoverished like in my husband's country, then essentially your family are all that stands between you and ill-health and hunger, so it is normal to look out for the wider group and not just the small individual family.

Absolutely to this. And it's largely independent of individual liking, too -- you look out for family regardless of whether you're on good terms or not. The OP is baffled that the aunt is counting on a visa and an airline ticket and to stay with her, when the aunt is not particularly nice to her, but the idea that you might 'buy' family support via certain types of 'nice' behaviour is not necessarily obvious.

The OP, regardless of how modest her income in the UK is, is incomparably privileged compared to this family in a poorer country -- and while she prefers to play that down (as it's an uncomfortable thing to dwell on), the aunt doesn't see it that way, and views her as an economic opportunity that isn't restricted only to the OP's husband, but is potentially of benefit to the extended family. (That she's not alone in being upfront is shown by the fact that the OP had a similarly 'presumptuous' request from her doorman.)

There's also the issue of the 'ask culture' vs the 'guess culture' -- 'ask' cultures will ask someone directly for £700, a raise, an airline ticket, sponsorship for a visa, to come and stay with them for a fortnight, knowing the answer may be no.

Guess culture people will almost never ask for something unless they are already sure the answer is likely to be 'yes', so they invest a lot of energy in subtly trying to make sure of the situation, its acceptability and everyone involved's feelings before requesting something.

The problem is when you bring them together. If an 'ask' person comes straight out with a request for visa sponsorship to a 'guess culture' person, the guess person can feel put upon and resent the effort involved in saying no.

It has its hazards in international business and diplomacy, when you're dealing with, say, Russians (often viewed as rude and over-direct, classic 'ask' culture) compared to Japanese people (classic 'guess' culture).

OP, I think you have a lot of talking to do with your DH to ensure you are on the same page about this, or that you can live with his understanding of his responsibility to his extended family.

It’s not the relationship with the man, though, so much as having to realise that they feel an obligation to their relatives, which may well involve putting a constant dent in one’s own pocket.

My ds and her dh won the pools (blast from the past there!) - about £40k. To her horror and near heart attack her dh gave it to his mother who then shared it out amongst the (large) family. Having to live like that when you come from a different ethos is constantly anxiety inducing.

I wouldn't be rushing into marrying your partner, that's for sure!
I'm not sure if he sees you as a cash machine and a way to get into (and then members of his family) the country or not but I can foresee stress and problems in the future if you don't do as they want you to.
I wouldn't marry into that personally

I think you should treat this as a holiday romance, OP. His family and friends were bad enough when you lived over there, but now you are here things will be seen as completely different.

How will you feel when you want to stay on maternity leave but you can't, because your husband is sending money home? You say £100 is a lot of money over there - do you think they'd be happy with that per month, when they know that between you you take home thousands? (And they will know that, as he will tell them.)

He has a problematic family anyway so even if they were from the UK I'd say you should think a million times before marrying. I think you won't know what pressure feels like until you are married to him.

I'd say goodbye now, frankly.

The "very low cost" for 1 month's accommodation is a separate issue. You gave them the money they asked for and then another £100 when they asked you. You entertained them at your place and bought them all presents.
I don't think you "owe" them anything in that respect.
As to the facebook thing, upgrade your privacy settings, this is just fuelling the situation.
The fact that they have expectations of your DP doesn't mean that you automatically have to take on those obligations and you should think long and hard about whether you want to do this for people that you say don't even seem to like you.
I think you really need to sort out his expectations and your expectations particularly.
I think you really need to think about how many sacrifices you might be called on to make, what size they might be and how long you will do this for if your circumstances change and you become unable to work or want to have children. Do you have any dependants of your own, eg elderly parents.

I would agree that you need to write this off. I would also do it in such a way that it was clearly a loan and that you are writing it off as an act of kindness. They won't thank you but it will possibly prevent them from asking again. If push comes to shove, you can then say no on the basis they didn't repay you last time.

My DB helps support his wife's family back in their home country. I think this is quite an honorable thing to do. However, they ARE married and he always puts his own family first. Their culture is that they would not expect or accept anything else.

We were very concerned when they first got together, much the same as you describe. They were together for a lot less time too (they've now been married for 18 years). It may well be different as your DP is a man - many cultures have different expectations of men regarding support. I would approach this with your eyes wide open and keep your finances separate. I would also have a Plan B of enough separate funds to support yourself during maternity leave, in case of the worst-case scenario.

PS. Don't EVER pay for an airline ticket for anyone unless you really want them to come and you can trust that person to go home afterwards.

I'm going to be blunt here, they are all taking you for a ride including your dp. Excusing this behaviour as their way of doing things is cack!!!! They're ripping you off, they're never going leave you alone. Your dp is after a visa and he is never going to pay his part first in the UK then send money home, he'll always put his family first. The small amount you have posted abut him is actually quite scary, can you not see that? There's no love mentioned or him looking out for you and taking care of you. It's all money and visas and no respect for you or your space.

There more you post, the less I'm liking the sound of your relationship.

Why are you putting up with this? Are you funding your bf?

If family were staying with me even for a month, I wouldn't charge them! But then usually family will offer to buy meals out, buy food, cook some nights etc. But your DP's family charging you to stay is pretty rough imo.

Are you truly sure your DP isn't just with you so he can get a visa? I ask this because I have come across so many instances where a woman met someone overseas (normally in an Island country or developing country) and the man falls madly for the woman and wants to marry her (or just move in with her) and once he's in the country, it all falls to shit and he leaves as he got what he wanted. A close friend of mine married a Fijian, and the script was almost identical to yours. His family were all over her, asking her for money all the time, etc. He and some of his family often stood talking in their language in hushed tones and giggling and looking back at her. They married in Fiji. When he got his visa (for residency in Australia) his personality changed. He started beating her up, even raping her at one point. He left her eventually after taking all her money. He got what he wanted. He seduced her in his home country, got her to help him come here, then got his visa and money and ran.

Do you honestly, truly believe your DP is on the level? My close friend truly, truly, truly believed hers was her soulmate. She was wrong, he acted his part flawlessly. This to me, is a version of the scam where you meet someone from Nigeria or somewhere over the internet, he declares love and asks you to come meet him and you go over there, and you get fleeced. I really would not enter into a relationship with a man I met overseas, at least not where a visa in a first world country is highly desirable. If you love him and he loves you, discontinue the relationship. Wait until he comes to the UK, on his own steam. Don't help him, don't get involved. If he truly loves you, he will make all the effort, all the documents etc. After he's granted his visa, then re-enter the relationship. But I certainly would refuse a relationship with him until I saw him get the visa himself, THEN look me up. Then you'll know he's genuine. Because, forget about his Aunt. She is not the one I fear you have to worry about. Be very, very careful. This is as old as love/residency scams are.

What are the odds for her actually visiting?

VERY high, if his nephew sends some money back home every month. She'll use that to come over.

There more you post, the less I'm liking the sound of your relationship.

It sounds like everyone views the OP as a money tree.

@cafesandbookshops

I guess it’s not just about the £100. Sorry to drip feed. I guess it’s more about the fact that they seem to see me as an opportunity for them to take advantage of and on the surface they are so enthusiastic about me but in reality they aren’t even that nice to me.

They showed zero interest in getting to know me as a person when i was there and now they only talk about visiting me and visas etc. I wouldn’t mind if they were honest and hard working but they’re not.

This so eerily close to the script that my close friend endured. His family wanted her to get them visas (same setup with sending money back to the home country which was used to by a few of the relatives to get into the country, that would be why your DP plans to send money home and his Aunt will be using it to go to the UK), really fake nice to her yet making jokes about her and how gullible she is in their language to each other. Never really showed any interest in her herself, barely paid attention to her unless he was there with her, just how she could help them get into Australia. Your story is ringing alarm bells, fire alarm bells. I feel like I'm reading about a slow-moving train crash that I've witnessed before and have deja vu. I really would urge you to cut ties with him altogether. If he is genuine, he WILL find a way to come to the UK on his own, without even being in a relationship with you.

I would ask you to take a long and hard look at your dp and his intentions. You had ups and downs about how his family and friends treated your place in general. And he told you to ignore the aunt because they are all in on it. you are a meal ticket and the opportunity for your dp. I say this as someone from one of these countries.
Everything you have said sounds so so familiar- it doesnt matter which country or continent. When there is an opportunity...
He has already told you he intends sending money back home.
WHY do you think she is so confident of visiting without even any money?
Because your dp is going to pave the way for them.

Delete her or whatever you do on FB, I left FB 7 years ago, thank god.

You loaned her money. It wasn't returned. Even when you asked for it back.

What does your partner have to say about this?

Steer well clear of her

So when he's over & living with you & wants her to stay-what then?

When he can't afford his share of the bills because he's sending money back-what then?

Be careful, Op!

I’ve experienced something similar whilst living in a poor country. Meeting up with new acquaintances, they would soon start to bring along family and friends, always seemed to work out that we footed the bills. On occasion, we were outright asked to buy them stuff. From their POV we’re so wealthy, we were usually guilted into going along with everything. I’d try and avoid this woman, it sounds like she wants to use you for a free holiday.

I think you should treat this as a holiday romance

This, EXACTLY!

I used to work with a man from a South American country. He had met, married and had a child with a British woman whilst she was living and working in his country.
Eventually she wanted to move back to the U.K. and he came on a spousal visa.
The visa was difficult and expensive to obtain even though they had been married a couple of years at this point and had a child together.
Does your boyfriend have the money to pay for a visa application and possibly a lawyer to fight his case and then they money to pay for his ticket and support himself once here.
Or as I presume are you the one who is going to have to put up the money?