Not sure how to react to DP’s aunt

[cafesandbookshops]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in WWYD or AIBU but here goes.

I met my DP while travelling in his country and have recently returned to the UK after living there with him for two years. Before this move, I stayed at his aunts house for a month as a kind of trial to know the area better while I was visiting on vacation.

His aunt is a very strong personality. She is very loud and quite pushy and does local social projects/political campaign work, which is admirable but has form for only calling us when she wanted us to vote for her or do something for her.

They charged me around £100 for the month which I didn’t have a problem with as I know they don’t have a lot of money. During this month, DP’s cousin (whose only source of income was illegal taxi and courier work) crashed his car, probably by driving in a stupid way.

His aunt pleaded with me, crying hysterically for me to lend them the money to fix the car as it was their only source of income. I didn’t really want to give any more money as i had already paid a months rent but she said that without it they couldn’t work, she promised to pay me back immediately etc.

I ended up giving them another £100 which was probably a stupid thing to do but I made sure not to give more than I could afford in case they couldn’t pay it back and they never paid it back.

I asked them for it once in a non confrontational way and she told me she didn’t have it so I let it drop but it left a bad taste.

We don’t get along generally I guess a clash of personalities but she can be very overbearing. The culture is very music and dance oriented so there were lots of parties with bands playing the native dances. They’re not easy but I tried and she would always stare at me and burst out laughing or start whispering to people next to her. My DP just told to ignore her so I did and I was polite but distant with her, knowing I wouldn’t have to see her again after I left.

Since arriving back in the UK, she has been commenting on my pictures Saying how beautiful it is and how she can’t wait to visit me. I feel annoyed as she has never been very nice to me and only every makes contact when she wants something. When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa, preparing a room for her, showing her around etc. I know I should probably ignore her but she continues to be over friendly with me despite the lies etc and now in public on my fb page.

Out of curiosity how would you react?

@cafesandbookshops I think you're being very naive.

I would hold off on getting married for at least another three to five years.

I would be making damn sure I wasn't bankrolling anyone.

And I would ABSOLUTELY not be having her to stay. If she wants to visit her nephew, he can get a decent job and pay for a Travelodge for her.

I have a sister and three very good friends who all met men from another country. A country that is poor, yes.

Every single one of them was taken total advantage of. Just...be smart. And frugal.

I have family from a developing nation and they do see you as someone who can get them into the West. Over the years we've helped relatives when they've arrived in England to set up - they might live with us while they find a job/get settled. They might be newly married and need support with a house etc we would help. It doesn't happen so much now.

Honestly I think your DP sees you as a meal ticket to the West too. Him sending money back to his family I think will cause you problems. We grew up with that culture where we had to support family abroad and extended family it causes tension with my parents even with it being the cultural norm.

I think you should know that your DPs family will put even more pressure on him when he moves to England and they'll see him as a money tree - he'll get a lot of pressure and it'll put pressure on your marriage and future. I'm just telling you now cos I've seen it all a million times over. You have to accept the family are there forever and will always be a constant pressure in the background. DP will not want to let them down.

tbh if you marry someone from a very different background to yourself you really have to think long and hard about having their family with their culture and tradition in your life for a very long time. And you need to have the conversation with your DP about what your expectations are for your marriage in the long term.

For example - will he (and therefore you) be expected to support members of his close and/or extended family in their old age? support nieces/nephews/god children through college?

But you didn’t describe your own experience Destroyed.

Describing your own experience: fine

Describing a whole culture as taking advantage: not fine

poor cadent....

Stop transferring your own issues onto me love.

lots of parties with bands playing the native dances

poor cadent...

I’m so happy when people confirm my views about them.

They are using you
What have your family /friends said ?

@Ginfordinner it doesn’t matter what country the post was about.

A comment was made about £100 going a long way in Africa - so it’s a reply about that comment.

Africa is not one homogenous mass, and it’s wrong to treat it as such. It’s an entire continent with a range of economies and standards and costs of living.

The person commenting compared Sweden vs Africa. A country vs a continent.

Nigeria has a higher GDP than Norway.
South Africa has a higher GDP than Denmark.
worldpopulationreview.com/countries/countries-by-gdp

That’s headline numbers, and the distribution of wealth may be very different by country, but the point is, 54 countries shouldn’t be lumped together in one statement.

Is it Brazil?
A similar thing happened to my friend, the whole family saw her as a cash machine and her partners friends weren’t any better.
Be very cautious OP, your posts suggest there is a large financial disparity between you and your partner and that could cause issues down the line

This sounds like classic meal ticket behaviour op.

I wonder if your partner would be up for a long distance relationship? Or you moving there perminently?

Would tell you all you need to know really.

@cafesandbookshops

Thanks for all your replies everyone. They’ve been really balanced and helpful.

I agree that I need to let the £100 go as it didn’t cause me any financial hardship and they did need it. I don’t mind even giving people money to help them out in tight spots as I understand life there is totally different and much more difficult than here. I think what bothered me was the dishonesty and the promise to repay it when she knew she couldnt. I would probably still have given it even if she had said she could never paid me back and there wouldn’t be any hard feelings . I just prefer people to be honest about it.

My DP and I had ups and downs as a couple there, partly caused by the kind of people he was inviting to our apartment, who in my opinion were taking advantage by doing things I had asked them not to (smoking and throwing cigs off the balcony, playing loud music late at night which led to the admin threatening to contact my company, one friend even tried (and failed) to set up a business and put out address on his business cards without asking us! I like to think of myself as quite an open minded, generous person. I’ve always enjoyed meeting people and travelling off the beaten path and seeing the true culture of places but these things did leave me feeling a bit stressed out.

My DP and I spoke about it and made an effort to move on and the relationship was very positive for the last year. I believe we have a genuinely strong connection. He wants to work hard and send some money home each month to his family. I made it clear to him that this could only happen after he pays what’s due here and he agreed. I agree it has the potential to cause tension because they are his family and I want to be understanding but I also don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Last Christmas I was there and I bought individual presents and cards for all his immediate family and his aunt/cousins. I was away visiting my own family but when i returned almost none of them said thank you. I guess we just have different expectations and I need to learn to care less and let things go.

You see the thing is she didn't think she was being dishonest - this is just how it probably works there . Ditto regarding all the activity going on in your apartment l . This is normal to them - again they don't think anything of it . Your last paragraph the same - you are trying to put your own values ( naturally ) into that situation and it doesn't work . I have had over 20 years experience of these kinds of situation. This is how it is - economics, culture, nationality , whatever .

You’ll see how much he’s using you if you tell him you want to live there permanently instead.

He’s already told you his wishes- to work and provide for his family.
His first priority should be you. Not them.

Honestly OP listen to what he is saying. He wants to come over 'to provide for his family'.

Don't be a meal ticket.

OP this is really difficult for you but tbh the behaviour you are describing by your partner would worry me more than his aunt. Is there an age gap between you? Are you older / more 'sensible'? This all sounds like a huge strain and if you are going to go ahead with things a bit of couple's counselling might be a good starting point, to explore the differences in your expectations in a supportive environment.

I'm from an Asian background and my DPs have helped family members settle her (we would wake up as kids and there would be a stranger suddenly living with us). When we become teens my DPs put a stop to it (my DF didn't feel we were safe as we were alone a lot and most of them were young men) but it caused a big fallout. My DPs get calls all the time asking for money (but not as much now as they say no). They do send money to a relative with a health condition that is expensive to manage there (they pay all her medical bills). Also a relative who was widowed young with two small children- I think this annoys people more as they do it for some and not others.

I also agree that you should be very careful, have a very long term relationship. There is literally people in my DPs country who give advice on how to win over 'western women' and it's sad as it works so often. The usual routine is flattery, relationship, move to the UK, marry, send money back and move family members to the UK too. Some people are very fake until they get what they want.

I hope you are absolutely sure that your DP is not using as a meal ticket. The part where he says he will be sending money to his home country has potential for ruining your relationship. He may not pay for his fair share when he arrives in the UK giving excuses about his needy family and you will resent him for having to support him. It's a recipe for disaster.

Just ignore.

Why you letting someone you’ve not known that long have a complete hold on your life?

If the visa convo comes up again, ignore it. Tell your partner you won’t be helping them get a visa. They can get that on their own if they’re so intent on coming over.

@Ginfordinner I wasn't talking about the OP.
Someone said:
"Depends what country it is - £100 goes nowhere in Sweden, but would go a long way in Africa, for example."

OP, I honestly don't think you should continue with this relationship. I know that will sound so extreme, to end a relationship because 'what if', but I'm from another culture and have had lots of experience. It is possible your DP loves you and doesn't see you as a meal ticket, but it's also possible that he's using you. You will never know until it's too late. That would be too big a risk to take for me.
Pps are suggesting you talk to him and agree to how things will be and what you will or won't accept once he's here/you're married - 'talking' doesn't make a difference in some countries/cultures. People will agree to anything when they have a goal in mind. You won't know if he genuinely agrees with you or whether he's just saying what you need to hear.
It's not worth the risk OP. And his family will always be a strain on your relationship. I would just end things now.

Last Christmas I was there and I bought individual presents and cards for all his immediate family and his aunt/cousins
Why???? Where are your boundaries????
Why are you taking on 'wife-work'???

I can understand going halves with him towards the total cost etc - IF you liked or had a good relationship with them......but after knowing them and not even wanting to be that close to them, why would you take on this 'responsibility' and try to please them?

@Cadent culture isn’t the same as race. I come from an ethnic group that mostly lives in China and Eastern Europe but I was born in the west and have lived in western countries my entire life. I am culturally very different to many of my co-ethnic people even the ones who are closely related to me because I’ve grown up in a completely different environment (economic climate playing a significant role in the difference) so while we may share similar customs cultural attitudes towards things like money and visas are very different. There is definitely an expectation across the communities that the ones in western countries will do things like send money to relatives ‘back home’, help new comers find jobs (often at personal cost sadly), marry people from ‘back home’ for the purpose of getting them a visa, etc. There is a very clear sense of entitlement to help from the ‘rich’ western relatives. If you don’t have experience of this I’m sure it would look racist to you, but it’s very offensive to equate culture to race. Take a look at native British people for example, they may all be ethnically homogenous but there are distinct cultures within this group varying between divides like class and location.

The money I'd write off it's not a huge amount but I wouldn't have liked being laughed at

I would limit your posts on FB so that she will only see them if she visits your page but not on her feed. If she mentions the visa again respond that you can’t consider it until DP is resident and the £100 is repaid.