Not sure how to react to DP’s aunt

[cafesandbookshops]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in WWYD or AIBU but here goes.

I met my DP while travelling in his country and have recently returned to the UK after living there with him for two years. Before this move, I stayed at his aunts house for a month as a kind of trial to know the area better while I was visiting on vacation.

His aunt is a very strong personality. She is very loud and quite pushy and does local social projects/political campaign work, which is admirable but has form for only calling us when she wanted us to vote for her or do something for her.

They charged me around £100 for the month which I didn’t have a problem with as I know they don’t have a lot of money. During this month, DP’s cousin (whose only source of income was illegal taxi and courier work) crashed his car, probably by driving in a stupid way.

His aunt pleaded with me, crying hysterically for me to lend them the money to fix the car as it was their only source of income. I didn’t really want to give any more money as i had already paid a months rent but she said that without it they couldn’t work, she promised to pay me back immediately etc.

I ended up giving them another £100 which was probably a stupid thing to do but I made sure not to give more than I could afford in case they couldn’t pay it back and they never paid it back.

I asked them for it once in a non confrontational way and she told me she didn’t have it so I let it drop but it left a bad taste.

We don’t get along generally I guess a clash of personalities but she can be very overbearing. The culture is very music and dance oriented so there were lots of parties with bands playing the native dances. They’re not easy but I tried and she would always stare at me and burst out laughing or start whispering to people next to her. My DP just told to ignore her so I did and I was polite but distant with her, knowing I wouldn’t have to see her again after I left.

Since arriving back in the UK, she has been commenting on my pictures Saying how beautiful it is and how she can’t wait to visit me. I feel annoyed as she has never been very nice to me and only every makes contact when she wants something. When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa, preparing a room for her, showing her around etc. I know I should probably ignore her but she continues to be over friendly with me despite the lies etc and now in public on my fb page.

Out of curiosity how would you react?

You didn't need to say it is illegal taxi work. In South America I'm sure most cabs are unlicensed? Say what you want, tell it as you saw it!
When I was in S.Am last year we used Uber's a lot and they operate just like here. Most regular cabs are regulated to some extent but maybe the meter is 'broken' so you fix the price before you set off. You know the DP's family so you know if they were doing illegal taxi work or not and have probably witnessed their driving!

Poor women hosts you and wants to visit uk and for you to host her and you don't seem to think you should? You have already hosted them at your place in their country and you've given money and gifts. Context is all. It's a different scenario them visiting the UK not least because they may have a hidden agenda.

That's really grabby, No, they asked you to help financially and you did. They had a clear expectation because you're seen as the bottomless pit of money. The issue is the aunt made out like she was going to pay some or all of it back - at which point you might have said no, it's OK.

I'm with your aunt Actually I think this pp is the aunt!

I am from a poor country where it is the norm to help your family. What you are describing is something different. They see you as a cash cow and they cannot even be bothered to be nice to you. This is not "normal" in any culture, they are dicks, and it is racist to think that they are doing this because of their "culture".

And leaving money aside, this is a man with a problematic family. Just look at all the MIL problems here, when you marry a man you also marry the family and any problems become exponentially worse. Why do you want to build a life with a man, regardless of background, whose family and friends have already shown disrespect to you? Why???

Ditch the 'dp' - he and his family see you as a meal ticket for life. Block the lot of them.

You seem to be bankrolling your DP already. I would worry you're settling a precedent and money will always be a bone of contention.

[quote cafesandbookshops]@Littlemeadow123

I had a similar issue while I was there with my doorman. He took me aside one day and told me he was ashamed to ask but could he have some money. I said I didn’t have much to spare but it depended how much and what for. I’ve given them bus money before when they’ve been caught short.

He wanted about £700! And when I asked him what it was for he told me it was for his daughters birthday party!! Obviously I said no.

We’ve also had issues with the aunt and cousin asking my DP for money instead of me. They know he doesn’t have a lot of money and that I help him out so it’s in effect indirectly asking for my money.

Another friend drove across the city to see us and then asked for petrol money and food as compensation, on top of the money we were already paying for his gf to give me a beauty treatment.

My DP assures me it’s to do with their economic situation and they’re all actually ok people but I struggle with character judgement and can sometimes be too stand offish or generous as a result.

I enjoy helping other people but I think I would rather do it through giving my time, teaching something or donating clothes/food to avoid these situations in the future.[/quote]
Why the fuck would you say to the doorman, a perfect stranger, it depends how much and what for??!!
Stop being a damn charity and tell them all to piss off.

Wow... you've been asked more times for money in two years than I've been asked in my whole life!

As PP has said, IF you were in a situation where you would be ok to host the aunt, make it clear you want her to transfer the £100 owed plus £x amount for a maximum stay of x weeks. Make sure it isn't extortionate but it is reflective of a more expensive area. If not, then ignore. And do not get her visa for her. She's a grown woman and can sort herself out if she wants to travel. You surely wouldn't see back any of the cost of the visa, either!

The friends and family sound like hard work. I hope that your partner coming over means you can see if the two of you work without all the scroungers in your life.

YANBU

@IrmaFayLear

It’s not the relationship with the man, though, so much as having to realise that they feel an obligation to their relatives, which may well involve putting a constant dent in one’s own pocket.

My ds and her dh won the pools (blast from the past there!) - about £40k. To her horror and near heart attack her dh gave it to his mother who then shared it out amongst the (large) family. Having to live like that when you come from a different ethos is constantly anxiety inducing.

I think I would actually murder him for that.

Where is your partner now? Has he achieved his goal of moving here?

What would you think if their family was British and living in the UK? Would you still want to marry him?

The thing is that choosing your life partner well is incredibly important and has a massive impact on compatibility, finances and how you live your life.

I think your DP is more like his friends and family than you realise. He thinks you're compatible because you offer him the chance of a life outside his country. I wonder what he'd be like when he'd achieved that goal.

If he's not here now then I'd kiss the whole thing goodbye. If he's here now then I certainly wouldn't marry him.

I'm not sure a long term relationship will work if you're not equals. He's has badly behaved, grabby friends and he doesn't earn a lot of money himself.

If you met someone from your hometown like this would you want a long term relationship?

I have a relative who married someone from SA (when she was studying in the UK) they had a child together but it was a very difficult and lengthy process to arrange a visa for her to live in the UK.

I also think you should trat this as a holiday romance or at least one which will work in one country but not the other. I know too many couples who are from different continents and there is always an element of heart ache, even if it's just one set of grandparents missing RL contact with the grandchildren.

My daughter was travelling in India and added a waiter from a cafe as a friend on Facebook.

When she came back, he wrote to her asking for a loan. He wanted the money for a ticket to New Zealand, where his brother lived, and money for the visa application.

The only thing he knew about her was that she was travelling (without working) for six months - it's pretty obvious he thought she was really wealthy as who can afford to live without a salary for that long?

You're in the same situation - they are not seeing you as you are. You represent wealth. That's all there is to it. You represent wealth and they think that because you're in a relationship with their relative, they will be entitled to share that wealth. They clearly see him as a lottery winner.

One thing stood out for me - you're already financially helping out your partner. And he wants to send money home to his family.

This is such a bad sign. I agree with PP that this reads like a classic holiday romance visa scam.

You sound like a kind and generous person, but also very easy to Guilt Trip. The doorman spotted this... £700 for a birthday party. Would you spend £700 for a birthday party?

People can ask but you can just say NO. So what if they react badly and call you mean... why do they get to be offended when sponging off you is an offensive action on their part? I know it goes against the grain but with this bunch, they already seem to have their plans to fleece you mapped out.

Don't lose your kind nature but Please Please don't be pushed around by people by being too nice, and unclear about whether you are refusing them or giving them an extra chance to wheedle you into it.

You are single and financially independent, this is a fabulous opportunity to save for your future and your childrens future in these uncertain times, why let virtual strangers rob you of this - when as you say they don't even seem to like you or treat you with respect. Its not mean or uncaring, it's putting a value on yourself. You said you'd rather donate time or other help, that is something genuine people really value.

@IrmaFayLear

My ds and her dh won the pools (blast from the past there!) - about £40k. To her horror and near heart attack her dh gave it to his mother who then shared it out amongst the (large) family. Having to live like that when you come from a different ethos is constantly anxiety inducing.

What did your sister do? Did they stay married? I would have literally killed him.

OP your DP sounds like he has no respect for you at all. You've only known him 2 years and he already moved in with you, invited his friends to treat your apartment like crap, and allows his family to rip you off. It's ok, we've all been swept off our feet by holiday romances, but you bankrolling him to come to the UK is a step too far. You won't be able to have a happy and fulfilling life while he's siphoning money off to his extended family constantly. You'll be financially carrying 10+ people forever; no man is worth that.

Any updates, OP? Are you still together?

I hope you managed to sort things out from July.

Don't marry him! Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen

Your aunt is very rude and disingenuous and I would be very wary of her indeed. In fact it seems she is one of many who have totally disrespected you and seen you as a soft touch, so I would worry that your DP may be the same. Think long and hard before you rush into any commitment with him (and his family) would be my advice.

You met your DP while you were in his country and moved in with him.

He now wants to come and live in the UK, a richer country, with you.

You help him out financially.

His family know that you help him out financially and now ask him for money, knowing that, if he gives it, it is indirectly from you.

His aunt already had £100 'loan' off you when you first met and failed to repay it.

His extended family do not treat you nicely.

They've already mentioned Visa, FFS.

You've already had ups and downs in your relationship which you think have been sorted and the relationship was very positive for the last year.
That means for the first year, when you should be really enjoying getting to know each other and the honeymoon period, it wasn't.

WAKE UP! OPEN YOUR EYES.
This relationship is doomed and all you will get from it is heartache. It has red flags all over it.

You wish to stay in this relationship obviously, so best to see how things pan out for some time, but forget about the getting of visas for whoever, and maybe the sending of money to anyone.You can obviously see how much some people will expect of you, with the kindly nature that you have. Just be wary of any long term problems that may arise.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies. I didn’t realize people were still answering this thread! Yes we are still together and I’m going to continue with the visa process as I really want to see what happens between us when he is here and working.

I plan to have minimum contact with his family and I have made it really clear to him that if he decides to host them it will be 100% his responsibility and that as soon as he starts working we will split rent and bills in a way that is fair. DP has agreed completely with all of it and he is going to pay me back the visa process money.

I am completely aware that it may not work out but I think that’s the risk with any relationship and here I am in a much better position as I have the support of my family and I am looking forward to starting my new teaching job on Monday. Thanks all!

Your being a mug. This family see you as a ticket to the UK. You alreadyknowwhat she is like as she treated you like crap. As soon as that spousal visa is set up she will be on her way.... yup

I am astonished and absolutely astounded that you cannot see how dire your situation is. RUN........

God some people are so naive and gullible it shocks me.
I hope it all works out op but...

A pp mentioned about the visa process being expensive and you are loaning him the money for this?

Oh dear ! 🚩🚩🚩