Not sure how to react to DP’s aunt

[cafesandbookshops]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this in WWYD or AIBU but here goes.

I met my DP while travelling in his country and have recently returned to the UK after living there with him for two years. Before this move, I stayed at his aunts house for a month as a kind of trial to know the area better while I was visiting on vacation.

His aunt is a very strong personality. She is very loud and quite pushy and does local social projects/political campaign work, which is admirable but has form for only calling us when she wanted us to vote for her or do something for her.

They charged me around £100 for the month which I didn’t have a problem with as I know they don’t have a lot of money. During this month, DP’s cousin (whose only source of income was illegal taxi and courier work) crashed his car, probably by driving in a stupid way.

His aunt pleaded with me, crying hysterically for me to lend them the money to fix the car as it was their only source of income. I didn’t really want to give any more money as i had already paid a months rent but she said that without it they couldn’t work, she promised to pay me back immediately etc.

I ended up giving them another £100 which was probably a stupid thing to do but I made sure not to give more than I could afford in case they couldn’t pay it back and they never paid it back.

I asked them for it once in a non confrontational way and she told me she didn’t have it so I let it drop but it left a bad taste.

We don’t get along generally I guess a clash of personalities but she can be very overbearing. The culture is very music and dance oriented so there were lots of parties with bands playing the native dances. They’re not easy but I tried and she would always stare at me and burst out laughing or start whispering to people next to her. My DP just told to ignore her so I did and I was polite but distant with her, knowing I wouldn’t have to see her again after I left.

Since arriving back in the UK, she has been commenting on my pictures Saying how beautiful it is and how she can’t wait to visit me. I feel annoyed as she has never been very nice to me and only every makes contact when she wants something. When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa, preparing a room for her, showing her around etc. I know I should probably ignore her but she continues to be over friendly with me despite the lies etc and now in public on my fb page.

Out of curiosity how would you react?

smoking and throwing cigs off the balcony, playing loud music late at night which led to the admin threatening to contact my company, one friend even tried (and failed) to set up a business and put out address on his business cards without asking us!

Your DPs friends are dicks. I'm not sure I could have continued a relationship with someone who had such dicks as friends.

Do not say a visor will only be possible if ......

Refuse to discuss a visor full stop. I would have my FB settings so aunt couldn't see any of my posts. I would disengage as much as possible, and definitely wouldn't give my address. If she comes for a holiday she could end up living with you forever. Your DP won't mind because it may be culturally for him.

What job does your DP plan to do in the UK?

When I was there before I left she made lots of joky comments to me about me getting her a visa say "HaHa , d'you know what the UK Govt are doing now with Brexit 'n' all. It's nigh on impossible. You'd need to be Elon Musk to get accepted"

preparing a room for her "HaHa you'll have to step over my 4 kids and five dogs to sleep standing up"

showing her around etc send her pictures of somewhere dog rough , Arse End Of Shittsville and say "Oh those pictures you say were me on a day out . This is the view from my living room window" .

Or just ignore her !

You won't get that money back.
You've already hosted her in your 2nd accomodation.

And YY to the wise comments about the DP

I think you should think long and hard about this relationship as the cultural differences will always be present. You cannot expect him to turn up to the west and start following western principles, those he already has will be ingrained in him from his own culture. Likewise he cannot expect you to conform to the standards expected for women and related to family life of his own country as you won't be living there and are not from that culture. Any relationship requires give and take but a multi cultural one takes a lot of understanding, communicating and biting your tongue.

I am from an asian background, my mum was born in England but dad wasn't. He got his pay packet weekly and sent a sum back to my grandparents every month. The rest was given to my mum. She understood that it was his duty to help his parents out but that did sometimes make things tight (not unbearably so) for us.

My bil married a girl from Pakistan (we are asian). Her mother is a single parent and poor. The expectations were that he paid for the whole wedding, bought all her outfits and jewellery even though tradition states that the girls side pay for the main wedding day. He paid for the photographs, her Visa application and gave her keep whilst she waited for her Visa. He sends money to her mum every month despite the fact that he has a bil who should be supporting his mum ( according to asian tradition rather than a son in law). Pressure was put on him to find his sil a dh over her so she would have a better life, he did and she is awaiting a visa. He is supporting her brother whilst he is at uni in an eu country too. Bil is a high earner so is able to do so and the main difference between you and him is that he does all of this happily. He feels they are as much his family as hers and wants to help.

If you do not want to help his family out this way you will end up feeling aggrieved and that will cause resentment. For the record I do not think you are being unreasonable not wanting to bankroll his family but I would not stop him from sending a proportion of his own earnings to them.

How does your DP feel about her? Does he want her to come and stay? If the answer is yes, then you may have to put up with her coming for the occasional holiday. Just make it clear that you don't want her staying for extended periods.

And for posters saying that £100 is such a small amount of money, in a lot of very poor countries, £100 is a fortune, a small fortune but a fortune all the same.

I worked in an african country for a while, in quite a poor community. Some of the friends I made over there seemed to think that I was made of money. One woman showed me an advert for a £500 laptop and asked me to buy it for her, literally thinking it wouldn't put a dent in my bank account. As much as I wished that I could buy it for her, as she wanted it for her college studies, I couldn't afford it. I was only earning a monthly stipend from the charity I worked with. I could afford to feed myself and keep a roof over my head, but there wasn't much money left over. And the plane ticket over there had cost the best part of a grand.

I'd feel the same as you too. The whole relationship has "future problems" written all over it.

I wouldn't expect them to give the £100 back? You should have offered to fix car if you could afford it and they couldn't? Can you not just host the aunt for a month to return what she did to you? Seems like you only want to be with her when it benefits you (cheap accommodation), so maybe you and the aunt are very alike?

@Littlemeadow123

I had a similar issue while I was there with my doorman. He took me aside one day and told me he was ashamed to ask but could he have some money. I said I didn’t have much to spare but it depended how much and what for. I’ve given them bus money before when they’ve been caught short.

He wanted about £700! And when I asked him what it was for he told me it was for his daughters birthday party!! Obviously I said no.

We’ve also had issues with the aunt and cousin asking my DP for money instead of me. They know he doesn’t have a lot of money and that I help him out so it’s in effect indirectly asking for my money.

Another friend drove across the city to see us and then asked for petrol money and food as compensation, on top of the money we were already paying for his gf to give me a beauty treatment.

My DP assures me it’s to do with their economic situation and they’re all actually ok people but I struggle with character judgement and can sometimes be too stand offish or generous as a result.

I enjoy helping other people but I think I would rather do it through giving my time, teaching something or donating clothes/food to avoid these situations in the future.

And there is an element of judgement about you. You didn't need to say it is illegal taxi work. In South America I'm sure most cabs are unlicensed? It's not the U.K., no health and safety and registration protocols. Also, when you add that it is probably the cousins fault for driving crazy. That's just your 2 cents. Seems like you are able to help them more but you're not, you are judging them and working out how to avoid your turn to host

Sorry OP and just to add there is a thread in relationships called something about a DH sending money to his mother- please read it.

The OP is an awful relationship that has got awful over time once he was here and had a passport, he is also sending money to his mother without discussing it with the OP.

@dogperson05

Interesting perspective! I didn’t know her before I went to stay there and didn’t foresee all of these things happening. I was happy to pay the rent money so I don’t really feel like I was taking advantage. It’s more the things that have happened since. I am willing to be told IABU though.

OP, and I mean this not unkindly, but you sound very naive. And I feel you're walking into something that's going to unfold to be complex and difficult and endless.

Op - beware - is all I can say. If you marry this man you will be marrying the family and his friends. Their behaviour probably seems normal to him. Did he stopped the partying in your company's apartment ? No - you had to stop it. How did they even know about the apartment? Only when you complain does he agree with you. Tell the aunt out right you do not want contact with her and she cannot come to stay with you nor can any of the relatives or friends nor will you help them with visas to UK. But once you are married, your husband can send them money (your money?), get British residency for relatives and he can bring them to UK - helping with visas. It will never end.

They know he doesn’t have a lot of money and that I help him out

Seriously? Really seriously?

This is a bit painful to read...

Of course you're being unreasonable. Poor women hosts you and wants to visit uk and for you to host her and you don't seem to think you should? And you should have offered to fix the car! You have £100, why did you wait for the aunt to beg? Then mentally keep an IOU and want the money back? That's really grabby, if I was your DP I would be worried that you're not caring or generous. If you can help someone you should. Maybe the aunt didn't get to know you as to seem stingy and slightly judgemental - sorry but I'm with your aunt

I married someone from an economically poorer country. Initially I was also wary of people trying to do things that in the UK would be called a cf, such as borrow money, come and stay, getting charged more for things as you are from the west.

However, over time I also learned that a bartering culture is one which often benefits both- in other words, our friends would take our kids anytime for childcare, day or night, not ask for money, give us anything they had in terms of food/drink (in their culture you must always have a meal ready for visitors and would be utterly insulted if people bring food to share), will lend you money and so on. Over the years, we benefited considerably ourselves when money was a bit tight or we needed a favour.

What also helped was that my husband was absolutely on the same page as me and had the same morality- so if people were taking the piss or asking too much or it just wasn't convenient for us, we would say no.

Cultures differ in what is considered acceptable to ask for, and what families share, we are a very individualistic nuclear family oriented society and this can rub up against a more collective wider family oriented society very easily. If you don't have a welfare state or it is very impoverished like in my husband's country, then essentially your family are all that stands between you and ill-health and hunger, so it is normal to look out for the wider group and not just the small individual family.

I think you need to get to know him very well, and also talk about how these things are different- you will get a sense of his own moral position on this. The idea you should never marry someone from a poorer economic country is bizarre to me, my husband was exceptionally well educated and for his own country, successful. I would have missed out on so much if I'd dismissed him due to his country's GDP!

If and when this man arrives here and he can’t afford to send money home who do you think he will ask to instead?

It will end. It will end with all of them living in your home for free and running a business from there - as someone up-thread said.

Please don't be naive. (and I say this as someone who comes from one of those cultures)

@dogperson05 are you drunk?

She paid £100 for a one month stay. She paid another £100 for the car which she no longer intends to ask for.

She hosted the aunt, and her family, and her dp's friends in her apartment while she was there for two years.

What are you on about, her turn to host? She's already done that! And no, she didn't have to offer another £100 to fix their car. Why on earth would she have to??

It's not a problem with being part of a sharing culture. It's the grabbiness/CF that's the problem - as can be here too. Couple the grabbiness/CF with a sharing culture and you have a nightmare.

@cafesandbookshops Do yourself a favour. Stop helping him out financially. Just stop sending money.

I'm not saying split up. I'm not saying dump him. But stop sending money. And when he comes here, don't bankroll him for months or years on end.

And keep your finances separate. And don't marry him for at least five years.

@Illdealwithitinaminute

Thanks for your balanced view. I too am reluctant to write off this relationship due to cultural and economic differences without first taking the time to consider whether actually I am the one being unreasonable. It’s not anyone’s fault for having been born where they were born and it makes sense to help each other out in different ways.

@dogperson05 I also agree that if you can help someone you should and that’s why I’ve done the things I have. I never say no automatically because I’m aware that I’m in a position to help. I guess we have such different personalities it’s hard for us to be friends but maybe I could make more of an effort with her to know her more as a person.

@OhCaptain

Thanks for your advice.. very wise.

This will sound eerily familiar to anyone with a spouse who comes from a relatively poor country. I met my dh in London but he’s originally from a very poor Eastern European country. If your dh is on the same page as you it can work, if not it’s incredibly hard, luckily it annoys my dh as much as me so we’ve got to a good place with his family.

The difference for me with your story is the women in my DH’s family are wonderful, kind and friendly and genuinely seem to like me so that helped. His sisters and mum have visited many times (we’ve been married 15years) and I love them like my own family. Love it when they come to stay. My MIL came just before Christmas last year and ended up getting stuck with us due to lockdown until early July but she’s lovely. I was working and homeschooling, she was keeping the house running doing all the cleaning and laundry. She was great company.

The men are not so nice though and could obviously see an opportunity, they’re not downright rude but they have all rocked up on our doorstep at some point demanding a job and roof over their heads, it’s caused a lot of problems. Dh runs a highly skilled company within construction and he’s unable to employ anyone without the correct training certificates and health and safety stuff so they’ve been annoyed but there’s nothing he can do. He also can’t employ illegal immigrants which he tells them before they leave and head in the direction of England but they’ve all managed to find other work and accommodation instead. Dh gets A LOT of phone calls, on a daily basis, from cousins of cousins asking for jobs or money but he says no. He doesn’t take any crap. He has helped his immediate family enormously over the years and they no longer need to ask for anything, it’s all the extras that come out of the woodwork that are shocking. He even had his uncle demand my dh buy his daughter a house, this was when we were renting a two bed flat with two kids a few years ago. Uncle has 4 sons working in UK yet he still asked dh!! It’s annoying but understandable in some respects, there’s no shame in asking in dh’s country. At least with your dh being from South America it’s much more difficult to come to the UK illegally so hopefully there won’t be so many people arriving on your doorstep.

Dh’ s mum now has a visitor visa that is valid for 5yrs and can be used for up to 6m each visit. She visits about 6m every year but two of his brothers are now here so she splits her time between them. The sisters get 1yr visas every few years as they have work although they both have 2 kids here each now so they mainly visit them and we see them for a few days here and there.

Honestly Op, your relationship with this man has huge red flags all over it. If I was you I would end it with your BF now, it sounds like he just wants you for money and a visa. Don't be a mug, end the relationship and then block him and his horrible aunt. I think you should do some work on your boundaries and judgement as you sound very naive and a little too trusting for your own good.

Well block the aunt on FB, for starters.

Honestly, they all sound like chancers.
Only you can know whether your partner is a chancer too, or if he's decent and wants to get away from them. But you mustn't give him or them any money or help. Protect yourself.