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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son is turning 18 and thinks it’s ok to stay out til 3am every night

217 replies

love21 · 23/07/2020 07:03

My son is intelligent and amazing but all of a sudden he is almost 18 and thinks he can go out at midnight to meet girls and friends and roll in when he likes - it worries me to death ! Apart from that he is good - he likes a drink but nothing heavy - I just stay up til 3-4 waiting each night as I can’t relax til he is home safe

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/07/2020 07:06

I'm a parent of adult children and I think you've got to accept him growing up. He's now an adult and as long as he's keeping on top of everything else, he should have the autonomy to decide on his social life.

Your anxiety shouldn't hold him back. Do you want him to move out? It's either he lives his own life or leaves so you don't know what he's doing.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 23/07/2020 07:08

You really need to let go. It’s not unreasonable to expect someone to let you know when to expect them/not to expect them at any particular time if you live together. But it’s completely ridiculous to expect someone to come home earlier than they want if need to calm you down so you can get to sleep.

Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:09

He is threatening to live with his Dad but I’d rather keep him here as it’s a safer area - should I just let him come and go as he pleases - isn’t it dangerous to be out all hours ?

OP posts:
Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:11

Thank you for your message - is it normal for an 18 year old to stay out so late?

OP posts:
Dollywilde · 23/07/2020 07:12

I wouldn’t say it’s much more dangerous being out at 3am than 11pm, it depends what you’re getting up to.

I’d be concerned about the impact on schoolwork/employment and I’d be setting some serious rules about treating the place like a hotel, but I wouldn’t stop him from going out just for the sake of it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/07/2020 07:12

Doesn’t seem odd to me unless it’s affecting other aspects of his life eg. Work/ studying

slipperywhensparticus · 23/07/2020 07:13

I had sympathy till he was threatening to live with his dad thats such a childish and immature thing to say

Who pays for his social habit?

Explain that if he wishes to claim adulthood thst comes with a price of independent living (ie alone) a job and bills

Would dad allow this behaviour?

I would be saying its OK sometimes but not every night and the attitude stays away permanently

Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:13

I don’t sleep until he is home safe and I’m so tired - I do worry a lot!

OP posts:
JamesArthursEyelashes · 23/07/2020 07:15

Does he work? Is he at college or university? As long as he is either getting to work on time or once College/uni starts back, he is attending and keeping up, then I’d just leave him to it. Obviously he needs to be as quiet as possible when he comes home and lock the door when he gets in. You need to try to relax and go to sleep. You can’t expect him to not have a social life because you can’t relax.

Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:16

He has money in the bank and buys a few beers and takeaways, he gets moody when I tell him 3-4 am is too late to come home .

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 23/07/2020 07:16

I wonder if it’s all new and exciting for him and soon the excitement will wear off and so will his finances then he’ll go out less! When I first went to uni I went out ALL the time, after a few months less so and by the end of the year I couldn’t be bothered . The hangovers get worse, have less money and get bored of feeling sick!!

Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:16

He is due to go to uni sept

OP posts:
WhentheDealGoesDown · 23/07/2020 07:18

DS used to do this, not every night but mostly at weekends, maybe a couple of week nights, I could never relax. He then went to university and I guess did the same there but that didn’t worry me at all only when he was at home.

JamesArthursEyelashes · 23/07/2020 07:19

He is due to go to uni sept

Is he moving out? Or living at home?

Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:19

I hope he gets bored of being up all night soon . He doesn’t start uni til sept 21st if it opens .

OP posts:
Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:20

I think when they are at uni you can’t know if they are in or out - I just can’t sleep til I hear him come in and then I worry in case he goes out again !

OP posts:
Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:21

He is living in at uni .

OP posts:
Dollywilde · 23/07/2020 07:22

Sorry OP, while I completely agree he shouldn’t be coming home late/waking you/impacting on others in the house, he’s not responsible for you being so anxious that you can’t sleep when he’s out. It’s awful and I’m a worrier too but I’m afraid that’s your issue to solve, not his!

slipperywhensparticus · 23/07/2020 07:22

see my daughter is 20 she goes to uni elsewhere for the last two years when she is home she is home she stays in stays up late sure but she is home (snoring right now actually) and when she is home its relax time no going out she does all that when she is away at university

SteelyPanther · 23/07/2020 07:25

He’s an adult and can do what he wants, but he will always be your child and the worry is understandable. You are not alone in lying in bed waiting to hear a key in the lock.
When he goes to Uni you will worry like this to begin with, but then it will fade.
I remember lying in bed in the middle of the night and wondering if every car that went past was a police car coming to my house.
They survive and it’s best you don’t know what they get up to.

Original poster
love21 · 23/07/2020 07:27

Hi I just wish I could sleep as I do trust him.

OP posts:
JamesArthursEyelashes · 23/07/2020 07:29

I think we all worry a bit when our kids are out late, even when they adults. If your anxiety gets too much, then maybe speak to a doctor as you will feel crap pretty quickly if you’re only ever getting a few hours of sleep each night. It’s hard letting them go but you do have to find a way to for your own health and also to keep a good relationship with your son.

WhentheDealGoesDown · 23/07/2020 07:30

I imagine he’s been out more that normal as well because of the schools and colleges being shut, normally he would have been concentrating on his exams in May/June . DS also used to go out all night camping when he was about 17/18, it was a relief and better sleep for me when he went to university.

NerrSnerr · 23/07/2020 07:36

I wasn't allowed any freedom before I went to university (if would have stayed out until 3am my mum would have driven to all my friend's houses to find me) and I went massively off the rails as soon as I moved there.

I would let him carry on, he's not coming home wasted and it sounds like he's enjoying growing up. Just let him know that if anything goes wrong he can call you without him being told off.

vikingwife · 23/07/2020 07:36

This is all about your anxiety problems. It’s not your son’s responsibility you can’t sleep until he comes home. If he was coming back roaring drunk & making noise it wake you this would be a respect problem. But he isn’t doing that. He lives at University, do you not sleep until he sends you a text to let him know he is home safe?

Also why do you perceive him living at his father’s house to be more dangerous ?

It is not acceptable that he brings random people back to your house. That much I agree with - but this doesn’t seem to be the issue. The issue is you want to put a curfew on an 18 year old & if he has already live ex out of home & is of legal age it’s controlling to have a set curfew this way.

So if he was to go to a pub or nightclub he should have to scuttle home at midnight so you can sleep? Let him be free to manage his own sleeping patterns & you manage yours.