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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son is turning 18 and thinks it’s ok to stay out til 3am every night

217 replies

love21 · 23/07/2020 07:03

My son is intelligent and amazing but all of a sudden he is almost 18 and thinks he can go out at midnight to meet girls and friends and roll in when he likes - it worries me to death ! Apart from that he is good - he likes a drink but nothing heavy - I just stay up til 3-4 waiting each night as I can’t relax til he is home safe

OP posts:
ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 23/07/2020 10:28

@monkeyonthetable

I'm so intrigued by these answers. My DS has also just turned eighteen and I'd worry if he came home later than about 1am after a very specific party I'd been given the address of in advance.

Try talking with him. Explain that you're not trying to impose rules on him, but you are his mum and you worry so much that you can't sleep and then feel ill with exhaustion. Ask him what he could do to help you stop worrying. Could he let you know where he is - give an address? At least tell you what club he is going to and what time it ends, and show you where it is on the map. Or could he stay overnight elsewhere at a known friend's house and come back in the morning?

Could you suggest his friends come and hang out at your house, then take something to help you sleep through the noise they make?

he needs to understand you are not being controlling, you have a natural and understandable fear. If he's mature enough to stay out all night, he's mature enough to care about the feelings of the person who raised him.

I don't know where you live, but to me your post sounds more typical for 15/16 year old than 18+; I just can't imagine expecting an 18 year old to give me the exact address of where they are going, if they even know in advance

It is natural to worry, but it is for his mum to manage her anxiety, not to expect him not to live the life of a normal 18 yo because of it. Seriously, a young lad telling his mates that his mum wants them to come to his house rather than go out, because she is worried, would make him a laughing stock.

Kasparovski · 23/07/2020 10:35

Sorry but I disagree with most posters who seem to think this is acceptable. I don’t. I think, your house, your rules. Presumably (unlike him) you have to get up the next morning, function, go to work?, cook meals and be a sane human being. He’s being a selfish, thoughtless git putting his mum through that night after night.
Set some ground rules OP! Maybe say Friday and Saturdays only. If he’s not got a causal job, make him get one and pay you some keep each week....that’s actually being an adult. He can’t just have the fun and no personal responsibility at all.

Kasparovski · 23/07/2020 10:38

An 18 year old male out in the early hours (alone) is quite vulnerable....probably to getting thumped or a knife attack by someone else who is drunk. But he is vulnerable. I would be worried.

ChristmasFluff · 23/07/2020 10:42

He's not an adult - he's not yet 18, so he's going into clubs illegally and he's drinking illegally too.

I have a feeling if the first reply on this thread had pointed that out, the entire thread would have gone differently.

I'd let him go to his Dad's.

Bakedtreat · 23/07/2020 10:46

@Kasparovski

Sorry but I disagree with most posters who seem to think this is acceptable. I don’t. I think, your house, your rules. Presumably (unlike him) you have to get up the next morning, function, go to work?, cook meals and be a sane human being. He’s being a selfish, thoughtless git putting his mum through that night after night. Set some ground rules OP! Maybe say Friday and Saturdays only. If he’s not got a causal job, make him get one and pay you some keep each week....that’s actually being an adult. He can’t just have the fun and no personal responsibility at all.
Isn't this one of the reasons kids used to move out sooner than they do now - overly strict parents and now we're all a bit too liberal they never leave home?

I know we all couldn't wait to get our freedom at Uni and my parents were pretty ok with me staying out late.

OP it looks like you will have to decide to either lighten up or your ds will go live with his dad. I don't see this as manipulation on his part - kids have been leaving home for this very reason for years he just as a cheaper option than rooming in with friends.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 23/07/2020 10:48

It would be interesting to know where posters are coming from when they answer, e.g. do they have grown up children themselves/recent experience of young adults, or not.

CorianderLord · 23/07/2020 10:49

@Espressoandcroissant no it wouldn't be different with a daughter. I did the same thing and it was fine. Women are equal now so we also get to stay out all night if we want to Hmm

OutOfHours · 23/07/2020 10:55

Probably safer at 3am than 10pm, most people are sleeping

Espressoandcroissant · 23/07/2020 10:55

@CorianderLord, ey? Equal?! Surely not! 🙄

Mydogisthebestest · 23/07/2020 10:57

I have 3 kids. The youngest is 18.

Just teach them to come in quietly. And let them know if they are desperately stuck they can ring for a lift.

Mydogisthebestest · 23/07/2020 10:58

Oh and I have a boy and 2 girls - the eldest being the boy. He says I’m so much laxer with his wee sister than I ever was with him.

gamerchick · 23/07/2020 11:00

Ah it's hard at first. I think as long as they're respectful when coming in noise wise and make sure they lock up then it's something to get used to. They all grow up.

Middle son learned the lesson about noise when he came home one night crashing around downstairs and met me halfway up the stairs holding a decent sized herb pestle aloft and murder on my face. He was careful about waking me up after that.

It's a learning curve for both parent and kid I think.

CorianderLord · 23/07/2020 11:17

@Espressoandcroissant I mean we're meant to be, least we can expect is to be treated marginally the same by our parents if not by society as a whole

Keptmanskeeper · 23/07/2020 11:24

I agree with the comments above that say the more you try to control him, the more he is likely to be irresponsible when he goes to university.
On the other hand, you could speak to him like a grown-up, stating your concern (mostly that as his mother, you can't help but worry) and ask how he can help you to alleviate your problems. Perhaps he can propose things himself, like texting you at midnight to reassure you.
He does have a certain responsibility towards you, too!
In my experience, being a mother equals worrying about your children, no matter how old they are. Flowers

Bakedtreat · 23/07/2020 11:34

@ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords

It would be interesting to know where posters are coming from when they answer, e.g. do they have grown up children themselves/recent experience of young adults, or not.
I agree - last time I challenged someone offering very strict teenage rules advice, they told me they only had toddlers and maybe weren’t too current when it came to parenting teens.
Bakedtreat · 23/07/2020 11:37

I have two 17 year olds - we’ve been gradually approaching full on freedom. Letting freedom go to their heads at uni is something we hope to avoid.

nowahousewife · 23/07/2020 11:47

Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if repeating.
Firstly what you are describing seems like perfectly normal hours for an 18yr old to keep. What don’t you discuss with him and ask him to tell you what time he will be home and that as he’s set the time he needs to stick with it? Worked well with my two who soon learned to give me a later time than they expected and therefore were always home ‘early’

caringcarer · 23/07/2020 11:52

Could you agree it is ok at weekend and one week night but not every night?

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2020 11:57

@love21

He is living in at uni .
Good thing is, when he's away you'll stop worrying.
Graciebobcat · 23/07/2020 12:14

I don't think anyone has been talking about imposing strict rules, just that her DS is being a bit unreasonable and he could rein it in a bit.

One thing that stopped us going out every night at that age was that we all had to work at least part time and didn't have the money to go out more than a couple of nights. It often seems to be the wealthy middle class kids (and often lads) who go overboard and go off the rails. Illegal drug taking (and more than the odd spliff) is absolutely rife at the local boys' grammar.

yikesanotherbooboo · 23/07/2020 13:24

I wouldn't like the disruption to my life of this but he is at an age where he is learning to manage himself. He will be 18 soon and certainly at that age I was going out several times a week to all hours. I would have been amazed if my parents attempted to keep tabs on me. I did the same as my friends and was too selfish to realise that my parents might have worried. My children are grown ups now but apart from the occasional late party never went through this phase. If you don't have worries re drugs or exploitation I would discuss a few basic house rules but then accept that this is really quite common bEhaviour and is a phase.

cuntryclub · 23/07/2020 13:33

Where is he going and what is he doing until 3am? No nightclubs are open yet are they? That would be my concern, hanging about? Smoking weed? Or safe at a friends house and able to drive home?

okiedokieme · 23/07/2020 13:39

Go to bed! It's really hard but you need to let go. He's an adult at 18 so as long as hes not disrupting the house noisily on his return or failing to lock up then he is free to return whenever. Whilst having overnight guests at your home is at your discretion, him meeting girls elsewhere is also something you can't control.

okiedokieme · 23/07/2020 13:40

Ps 2 adult kids here

vikingwife · 23/07/2020 13:42

At least this problem appears to be a night issue, so the OP doesn’t have to worry if her son has forgotten to apply his sunscreen.