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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son is turning 18 and thinks it’s ok to stay out til 3am every night

217 replies

love21 · 23/07/2020 07:03

My son is intelligent and amazing but all of a sudden he is almost 18 and thinks he can go out at midnight to meet girls and friends and roll in when he likes - it worries me to death ! Apart from that he is good - he likes a drink but nothing heavy - I just stay up til 3-4 waiting each night as I can’t relax til he is home safe

OP posts:
UntamedWisteria · 23/07/2020 08:46

My DS is 18 and I can assure this is completely normal behaviour.

As long as he's not drinking & driving or doing drugs I think you should try and stop worrying, although I know it's hard.

Since lockdown has eased DS has spent a lot of time catching up with his friends.

Alloverthegrapevine · 23/07/2020 08:46

I didn't sleep for the first term or so of DS keeping these hours but ultimately you have to trust that you've taught him well and he knows how to keep himself safe. I don't hear him come in now.

Espressoandcroissant · 23/07/2020 08:46

Does anyone think it would be different if OP was talking about her DD?

roarfeckingroar · 23/07/2020 08:47

Totally normal. He's an adult (almost)!

WhentheDealGoesDown · 23/07/2020 08:48

I found though that the worry at night was only when I was in bed and he was due to come home, when he went on holiday so was probably out all night, every night or we went on holiday and left him at home, I didn’t have the worry.

oakleaffy · 23/07/2020 08:48

If your Son is coming home compos mentis and relatively sober, I'd not worry too much.
As long as it isn't impacting on his studies
As others have said, it was actually less of a worry when DC move away, have a ''year travelling'' or whatever...

BettyBizzghetti · 23/07/2020 08:50

OP, my son has just turned 18 and is at home prior to going to university in October.

He goes out a bit, and hasn't yet been back later than 1AM (and I do lie awake until he has got home safely).

So I haven't had to deal with the 3 or 4AM problem (yet). However, we have thus far established that he has to let me know if he is going to be back late. Not because I want to keep tabs on him, as such (after all, I can't possibly know if he is where he says he is) but because it is basic courtesy to the person you are living with. I would do the same if I were going to be back late. In fact, I keep my teenagers in the picture during the day regarding my timings as well, just so they know. I expect them to do the same.

I don't entirely agree with the 'he's an adult now' comments. Part of being an adult is having complete freedom to do what you want. Another part of it is being responsible and courteous, when you are living with other people. This means not letting someone just wonder when you are going to be back. Even when I was at university and sharing houses with friends, we would always let one another know what was going on - and that was pre-mobiles.

Allnamesaregone · 23/07/2020 08:50

I remember my summer between school and uni.
Friends were the most important thing and we stayed out till all hours. Mostly we were just at a mates house chatting and raiding the fridge.
It sealed our friendships for life and our crowd still keep in touch even though life has spread us far and wide.

oakleaffy · 23/07/2020 08:51

OP Your son sounds par for the course!
I'd be far more worried if he was always in and not meeting others at that age.

BettyBizzghetti · 23/07/2020 08:51

BTW, OP, my son has been at boarding school since he was 13, so I am well acquainted with not knowing what he is doing. However, it's still polite for him to let me know, when we're actually living together. I also expect him to be very, very quiet if he comes in late, because the rest of us don't want to be woken up!

Allnamesaregone · 23/07/2020 08:52

The only rule we had for ours was to message if he was planning to stay over at a mates.

ApplesinmyPocket · 23/07/2020 08:52

DD1 did this from 18 - out several nights a week till 3am. I didn't really know what she was up to but I know I wouldn't have liked it much! She probably carried it on at university, where it's even encouraged - Freshers' Week and the like.

She remembers those days so fondly and often reminisces with me with a laugh ... it was a part of growing up. She's 40 now and a very responsible, sensible nurse who'd rather be in bed by 10.

I'd honestly much rather have that scenario than the one I had with DD2 - who due to anxiety never joined in with the usual wild social flings of a normal teenager and struggled massively with university. Yes she was home every night and safe in her bed - but believe me, that wasn't good at all.

Willowkins · 23/07/2020 08:53

I'd worry too if my 18-year old DS stayed out until 3am (he doesn't). But then I worry when he goes to the bank on his own. There's no reason for it - just part of being a mum. Can you have a proper sit down talk with him about making sensible adult choices?

Rwoolley · 23/07/2020 08:54

Although annoying it's normal for young adults to start going out more and enjoying their new found freedom in terms of drinking etc. it's also normal for parents not to sleep until their kids come home (I remember when I started seeing my now DH I stayed out till like 5am and my dad was always awake when I came home - although he pretended he had just woken up coincidentally)

As he is going to uni in a couple of months I would just leave it for now, you said you trust him and that's great but it's not unusual to not be able to sleep until he comes home - although if it's a regular thing maybe try to take a nice bath and maybe a nytol and see if that helps get you to sleep

HollowTalk · 23/07/2020 08:57

Where is he on those nights? How does he get home? I would be very worried that when he goes to university he's going to do the same and his student loan will disappear in the first week and he won't attend lectures.

Graciebobcat · 23/07/2020 08:59

Being an adult is always about freedom with responsibility. It's not behaving responsibly or reasonable to keep your mum up all night worrying where you are. Also going out at midnight? Why? Can't he see his friends in the daytime as well? We'd have got bollocked by other friends' parents casually wandering in and out of one anothers' houses at that time to "raid fridges"! Sounds like the other parents are incredibly lax.

HazelBite · 23/07/2020 09:01

All I can say Op is really?
Get a grip!
What can possibly happen to him in the early hours that cant happen to him at midday, he is an adult, just go to bed and relax, if he wakes you up coming in late and noisy then is the time to rant.
(I am a mother of four sons who all survived to their more responsible 30's)

AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 09:04

I find it amazing how people trot out the “he’s an adult” comments when it comes to e.g. putting up with their crappy behaviour, and how not allowing it will apparently mean they go off the rails. By that definition then all rules should go out the window when they turn eighteen....?

And yet if a 21/22/25 year old does something stupid the same people who stated at eighteen “they’re an adult” would be saying that they’re only young and not yet responsible for their actions.

While wanting to go out later is part and parcel of growing up, that doesn’t mean you don’t have respect for the people who live in the house. While putting in a curfew might be extreme, there is nothing wrong with wanting teens to communicate where they are and when they’ll be home.

Added to which, if they’re that much of an adult that they should be allowed to do as they please when they please, then perhaps they should be contributing financially to the household rather than spending all their money on themselves. With age comes responsibility and all that.

pasteldechocolateconchispa · 23/07/2020 09:05

You should have seen what I was doing at 18! I don’t have teens yet but I understand the worry as I have 2 girls, I’d be horrified if they were to misbehave like I did, although I was sensible, well debatable, i couldn’t talk to my parents at all without them flying off the handle, so would lie about what I was upto even now as an adult I find them unapproachable

Houseplantmad · 23/07/2020 09:07

My DS started going out til all hours when he turned 18. He did this for a few months and now, nearly a year on, it's once in a while he's home late. I think it was the novelty and new found freedom. All I asked was that he texted me by the time I went to bed to let me know whether he was staying at a friend's or coming home.

I was very worried at the start but it's helped him to become more streetwise and for us to discuss any situations he may have seen/been involved with as he always tells me in the days afterwards where he's been/what he's been doing.

Lockdownfatigue · 23/07/2020 09:11

monkeyonthetable but you ARE being controlling and also making your child responsible for your anxiety. It’s not appropriate to ask an 18 year old for the address of where they are!

OP, you need to deal with your own anxiety and manage that rather than your ds’s behaviour. He IS being considerate. He isn’t coming home drunk waking the whole house up.
You’ll lose him if you don’t let go, no wonder he wants to live with his dad!

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:12

YABU to wait up for him. It’s the summer holidays before going to uni. Since lockdown ate up and spoiled most if this summer, he is going to want to make the most of these last precious weeks with his local friends. My 18yo DD is exactly the same way. DH and I jist put our phones on loud and go to sleep. She knows to call if she needs help.

Jellybeansincognito · 23/07/2020 09:14

You sound extremely overbearing, you need to work on your issues before you push your son away.

Bearnecessity · 23/07/2020 09:15

I've got 18 yr old ds doing the same, I found it hard initially but I trust him now to be sensible and to reply to my occasional u ok text. To be honest this generation have had it so much worse with Lockdown, my ds had an18th birthday at home with just me...I don't blame him for getting a life now.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:15

Further thought, is DS your PFB? That might account for your trouble with letting go. It’s a struggle with the first one, so I do sympathise.