Son is turning 18 and thinks it’s ok to stay out til 3am every night

[love21]

My son is intelligent and amazing but all of a sudden he is almost 18 and thinks he can go out at midnight to meet girls and friends and roll in when he likes - it worries me to death ! Apart from that he is good - he likes a drink but nothing heavy - I just stay up til 3-4 waiting each night as I can’t relax til he is home safe

It’s different at uni because you don’t know they’ve gone out. I think it’s just being a parent or rather a mother(DH sleeps just fine) and it’s not a reason to curtail him. As I said, my concern would be where he is going and what he’s doing at that time. Meeting in a club or pub or party is fine but hanging out on streets and in parks is not on and I would worry about undesirables and drugs as that’s what goes on in parks at that time.

His behaviour sounds normal but yours sounds a bit off... have you ever been assessed for generalised anxiety? Your level of worry isn’t normal and it would be unfair for you to look to restrict your almost adult child’s freedom to manage it rather than address it directly.

😮he’s an adult!

My ds used to come in at all times at that age, as indeed did I.

If he's due to go to uni in September, I'd let it go.

In 2 months you won't have a clue what he's doing anyway. :)

So where exactly are all these teenagers hanging out given the clubs are all still shut? Each other’s houses isn’t yet permitted, so that means the local parks? I definitely wouldn’t want mine hanging around the local park drinking etc until three in the morning, and would be none too impressed if I lived near to said local park and was being kept up by rowdy teenagers drinking there until three in the morning.

This isn’t actually just about him having fun, it’s about having consideration for a lot more people than just those who are in his house.

When DD is out at a club I’ll sleep but wake and check my phone in case she has sent a text and is in trouble and I’ve missed it. I then sleep until I hear the key in the door and her banging about trying to get into bed.

Hi op, I feel for you, 5 out of 7 nights until that time is a lot but you’ll kill yourself waiting up until that time so often.

I have a son the same age and after having their A levels cancelled and in lockdown for so long, they need to see their friends now and let off a bit of steam.

I don’t wait up for my son, he is my second eldest and I got used to not waiting up for my eldest (now 20) . I did wait up for my eldest initially when he first started going out but when it got much past midnight
I couldn’t do it as I had younger ones to get up and look after.

When he’s at uni, this is a ‘normal’ time to come home so he’s just started a bit early. I would try not to fall out with him so close to him leaving home. When he comes back at Xmas etc he will also probably be out late again and won’t want to be told off after having been at uni with complete freedom.

If you trust him and he doesn’t drink too much then try and relax a bit. If you are waiting up until 4am and say something happened (your worst fear) and he didn’t come home, is this much different to finding out at 7am if you went to bed early and got up at 7am. It’s only 3 hours later and saves you sitting up all night, also what if he came home at 5am or stayed at a friends. At what time would you know something was definitely wrong and needed to call the police?

As they get older you have to move from managing all their time and movements to gradually letting go, it’s hard to let go when you’ve had responsibility for their care for so long but as a single parent you really can’t sit up every night.

Ps be prepared for some further adjustments when they come back from uni but don’t be afraid to make some ground rules either. I always explain when they are home, they are not at uni and need to follow some house rules even if they are independent. Good luck.

You are being far too overbearing, I can see why he's getting irritated. Nightclubs close at 2.30, sometimes 3 am round here if they've got a late license, perfectly normal time to get home at that age!

Clubs aren’t open.

If it;s every night it's too much. Weekends perfectly normal (and I couldn't sleep till they were home either)

Is he working? In education?

OP obviously doesn’t know where he’s going as she won’t answer. I think it’s fair for him to tell her where he is going and who with plus a rough idea of when he expects to be back. DD is 19, home from uni and this is what she does and her friends.

My son is the same age. He doesn't go out every night but he does go till 3am on a regular basis. Occasionally he comes home a bit worse for wear from alcohol (he's not that bothered about drugs). I have never set a curfew and frankly its pointless - an 18 yr old can do what they choose in terms of socialising, the company they keep and drinking. I just ask him to let me know when he's coming back. I do get edgy because I know that young men are the most at risk of attack on the streets but I think he has a good head on his shoulders and he can always use my Uber account if he wants.

We had an argument recently and he went to stay at his Dad's. Again, that's his choice and there's nothing I can do about it.

I have a DD20 so I've got used to this by now. I didn't used to be able to get to sleep when they're not home but you do get over that. Particularly once they've gone to uni when you don't really have a clue what they're up to.

It's normal, you need to try and relax. It is stressful when they first start doing this but you shouldn't try and curtail it, he's 18, not 15!.

I couldn't imagine putting a curfew on my DCs at that age. As long as they come in quietly or let me know if they aren't coming home (DD isn't great at that which really pisses me off!). They often don't go out until 10/11 if they're clubbing .... pre drinks at home is cheaper.

The PP who said her uni DD doesn't go out at home, is that due to you or her choice?

I'd have no issues with my son staying out late, or even all night however I do think it would be respectful to let you know roughly when he is coming home.

Just a text message at say 10pm saying "Mum, I'm going to be out till 3pm/all night" would be fine.

However, your anxiety about him staying out is your problem not his and you need to deal with it. It's not his job to manage your anxieties. How will you cope when he is in Uni & you may not hear from him for several days?

You don’t suddenly become a responsible adult at 18, it’s a gradual process and he needs to show respect to you by acknowledging your concern and giving you some detail so that over time you build trust. If he gets into trouble he’ll be calling you for help so I don’t quite buy the adult at 18 thing unless he’s moved out and is financially independent.

This is completely normal for an 18 year old!

I think give him a key and let him crack on
He’s an adult now
Some of friends had this with their daughters at age 15 ,that was a huge worry ,your guy is a man ,he will be at uni soon .

@love21

What is PFB?

PFB= Precious First Baby :) sorry.

I'm a female, granted, but from 17-21 I'd do the same. I'm a car enthusiast so it was usually driving here, there and everywhere but never getting up to no good and my mum always knew who I was out with in case of emergency. I think it's normal! I had a job and went to uni too!

Oh I remember being 18 (and younger). I used to stay out until 6am never mind 3am. Those were the best years of my life I didn't live at home though so could do what I wanted.

I feel for you op. It's not nice going to bed when your precious son, who seemingly 5 minutes ago was playing Lego on the rug, is out who knows where with who knows who doing who knows what. My approach is to try and chat to him about safe and dangerous behaviours then trust him and hope he's okay. It is hard but it's growing up.

It seems worse if they are our only child, and especially if there are only two of you in the household.

My friend said to me when my DS was 16/17 ''You are too clingy...Snippety-snip those apron strings''..... She was right, of course.

I have boys 18 & 17.
It’s a transition period for both of you.
I generally go to bed, but stay awake or doze until they are in. Usually they come in to let me know they are home, or for a drunken chat.

They understand that I want to know roughly what they are doing and if they are coming home. It goes with the proviso that if they need me to pick them up I will (and I mean need, not just being lazy about getting back). It’s not a big deal if they are at a friends house though. It’s just being out and about generally at that time (In a park day) I’m not comfortable with.

It’s a two way street as I see it. With adulthood comes responsibility.

Threatening to go and live with his dad smacks of immaturity.

I have a video doorbell. I recommend getting one because you can go to sleep and when you wake up slightly anxious you can check they are in. A family Uber account is useful. And a key box.

I’m a single parent so I think that plays a part. All the responsibility and none of the reassurance.

I think adult children living at home ( and he's hardly adult yet- just finished school?) have to abide by some boundaries.

If he is waking you up you have a reason to ask him to stop this.

Out of interest where is his money coming from? If he's just left school and has no part time work? Is he living off his savings or are you funding his social life?

if he is waking you up you have a reason to ask him to stop this

He isn't waking her up though she's so anxious she can't sleep until he's in the house.

@AlternativePerspective

So where exactly are all these teenagers hanging out given the clubs are all still shut? Each other’s houses isn’t yet permitted, so that means the local parks? I definitely wouldn’t want mine hanging around the local park drinking etc until three in the morning, and would be none too impressed if I lived near to said local park and was being kept up by rowdy teenagers drinking there until three in the morning.

This isn’t actually just about him having fun, it’s about having consideration for a lot more people than just those who are in his house.

I don't know about others but the kids around here are all on the common - no houses closeby, it's an annual occurrence during the summer months. My kids mostly hang out in back gardens with their friends, all take it in turns so the neighbours don't get too upset! All perfectly fine - and permitted!