Son is turning 18 and thinks it’s ok to stay out til 3am every night

[love21]

My son is intelligent and amazing but all of a sudden he is almost 18 and thinks he can go out at midnight to meet girls and friends and roll in when he likes - it worries me to death ! Apart from that he is good - he likes a drink but nothing heavy - I just stay up til 3-4 waiting each night as I can’t relax til he is home safe

I find it a bit odd that he's going out at midnight. Mine were usually coming home by then at that age! Saying that, considering he's off to uni in a couple of months anyway I don't really see the point of trying to put a stop to it now. As long as he's not disturbing you when he rolls in that is.

If not already said, wait till he gets a car, you certainly wont sleep then

@JRUIN I'm 27 now but when I was 18, we used to head out for midnight as the bars and clubs were just getting full, any time before then is quiet and a bit boring.

I would go to bed OP, he is 18 and I know he's still your baby but he's doing stuff that a normal 18 year old does. X

my 20 year old lives with us still and I wouldn't have her rolling in at 3/4am every night when we have to get up for work every morning and have a younger teen at home too. I don't mind it at the weekend or every now and again but not a regular thing.

I hear you OP. He's still 17, even if all his friends are already 18. I wouldn't be able to sleep either. My 17yo knows this and although I'm constantly tired because he stays out later than I would like to go to bed, he does come home when I ask him to. It's a compromise. He does warn me that when he's 18 he'll be staying out as late as he want to.

It's only for this summer. When he's 18 and at uni you'll be able to catch up on your sleep.

Maybe ask him if he can send you a text later in the evening just to say 'all is well mum, see you in the morning'.

I know he doesn't have to, but if he know it will help your anxiety he might do it. At least until you get more use to him being out all night.

@AryaStarkWolf

my 20 year old lives with us still and I wouldn't have her rolling in at 3/4am every night when we have to get up for work every morning and have a younger teen at home too. I don't mind it at the weekend or every now and again but not a regular thing.

At 20 she is a fully grown adult fgs. 'Rolling in' waking you up? No. But coming home respectfully at 3am? If course that's ok

At 20 she is a fully grown adult fgs. 'Rolling in' waking you up? No. But coming home respectfully at 3am? If course that's ok

Not in my house it isn't.....she's a very respectful person though so she wouldn't do that anyway. My husband is also an adult and he wouldn't do it either.................

And I'm talking every night, of course I don't mind every so often

Can you have a chat with him about

1. Not waking you up when he comes in, so doing so quietly.
2. Make sure he is taking every precaution possible if the purpose of going out is (basically) to have sex.?

It sounds like these are your main worries.

When he’s 18 you can’t really give him a curfew but you can expect consideration and common sense.

@AryaStarkWolf

At 20 she is a fully grown adult fgs. 'Rolling in' waking you up? No. But coming home respectfully at 3am? If course that's ok

Not in my house it isn't.....she's a very respectful person though so she wouldn't do that anyway. My husband is also an adult and he wouldn't do it either.................

Why does it matter what time your daughter comes home if she doesn't disturb you?

Why does it matter what time your daughter comes home if she doesn't disturb you?

Who said she wouldn't disturb me?

Anyway, it really doesn't matter much what you think about it, we're all happy with how we live in the house together and that's really all that matters

The summer holidays between academic years are kind of a special time for living the high life.

Provided he's being very quiet when he gets in, the problem is probably OP's, she needs to get better at getting off to sleep.

@AryaStarkWolf

Why does it matter what time your daughter comes home if she doesn't disturb you?

Who said she wouldn't disturb me?

Anyway, it really doesn't matter much what you think about it, we're all happy with how we live in the house together and that's really all that matters

You said your dd was a respectful person - I just assumed that meant she wouldn't disturb you - - how you live is your business - but why post about it if you didn't want anyone to ask about it? You want to tell us all about your situation but you don't want us to ask you questions on a open forum?

I have a 17 yo too who is similarly having a lot of fun this summer! I don't wait up for her and don't sit there worrying about her.

However she does talk to me about when she's going out and I know roughly where she is, who she's with and what time she will be back. She is also in for dinner some evenings .

I think that my view is that they might be growing up, and they are getting their freedom (I have 2 older children at home currently too) but if they live in my house, they need to show respect and courtesy and let me know where they are and times of arrival etc. I also expect them to spend some nights in with the family, and to do their share of the chores.

In your place I would stop the staying up until 3am (you must be exhausted) but ask for some information and courtesy and if he threatens to go off to live with his father, show him the door. I wouldn't tolerate those threats from my children (we are also divorced parents). My ex would be horrified at the thought of any of his children living with him - it's almost worth it just to see his face!

You said your dd was a respectful person - I just assumed that meant she wouldn't disturb you - - how you live is your business - but why post about it if you didn't want anyone to ask about it? You want to tell us all about your situation but you don't want us to ask you questions on a open forum?

Oh she is, people don't always disturb others on purpose but it's a non issue as she doesn't stay out/want to stay out every night till 3am anyway.

You can absolutely ask about it, who ever said you couldn't? I only said I didn't really care if you thought I was right or wrong as you don't live in my house

I was just thinking about the age thing - most 17 year olds around here have fake ID for getting into pubs etc. But that's not good at the moment with track and trace!

@monkeyonthetable why would you be worried and why would you need an address for where your adult son is? 18 year olds go out clubbing, loads of clubs are open until 3/4am.

@Waxonwaxoff0 I'm not sure. I think I haven't yet quite taken on board that it's no longer my responsibility (He's only just turned 18.) But we live rurally so getting home at 3/4am is problematic anyway. I'd be worried
he was being driven by a drunk friend or waiting hours on a cold platform. My own parents never knew or cared where i was so I over compensate.

monkeyonthetable but you ARE being controlling and also making your child responsible for your anxiety. It’s not appropriate to ask an 18 year old for the address of where they are!
@Lockdownfatigue - I don't agree. If I were living with my elderly parents even at my age of 50+ and planned to be out until 4am, I'd tell them where I was in case they needed to get in touch. I think that's just courtesy among adults who live together as a family.

Heck - he's 18! At 18 I was out in nightclubs until silly hours.
I know it's hard, now I'm a parent I'll probably not be able to rest until comes home when wants to start going out in a few years, but you have to learn to let them go however hard it is.

From what little I remember of being 18, I'm sure that late nights were frequent and alcohol was involved.

Just make sure there are boundaries about contact and respect for people when he gets in.

My mother couldn’t sleep until I was in the house and the door was locked behind me. I had a curfew of 10.30pm 7 days a week. She had anxiety (I didn’t realise at the time) and was the master of worrying and guilt trips. I left home as soon as I could and never went back.

Even when I met DH and we went back to my home town to visit, we weren’t welcome to stay if we were going to be out later than 10.30pm. So we always booked a b&q down the road.

At the time I thought it was my fault as she always reminded me I was a bit thoughtless and not considerate. Looking back (this was many years ago) it just seems so, sad. I will never do this to my kids.

@AryaStarkWolf

Why does it matter what time your daughter comes home if she doesn't disturb you?

Who said she wouldn't disturb me?

Anyway, it really doesn't matter much what you think about it, we're all happy with how we live in the house together and that's really all that matters

I’m with you. Even now they are 21 plus, we’d not tolerate every night until 3am. I’ve yet to meet a particularly quiet drunk. Anyone creeping around at 3am every night is going to wake you up. Every now and again I’d go and collect them but every night can be at university not at home. Delighted ours have never shown a desire to be out until then every night. They have study or work most of the time, surely?

I’m with you. Even now they are 21 plus, we’d not tolerate every night until 3am.
I’ve yet to meet a particularly quiet drunk. Anyone creeping around at 3am every night is going to wake you up.
Every now and again I’d go and collect them but every night can be at university not at home. Delighted ours have never shown a desire to be out until then every night. They have study or work most of the time, surely?

Yeah exactly, I'm not some controlling army sergeant, the "every night" was the bit that I would have an issue with. Of course at 20 years old my daughter is an adult and she goes on nights out etc and yes I would even go and collect her on occasion (like tomorrow night :p ) but not every night, it's too much and it's not respecting other people who live in the house imo But like I said already, it's really not an issue because my daughter doesn't do that anyway, my thoughts on the subject were hypothetical

@Goatymcgoaty

My mother couldn’t sleep until I was in the house and the door was locked behind me. I had a curfew of 10.30pm 7 days a week. She had anxiety (I didn’t realise at the time) and was the master of worrying and guilt trips. I left home as soon as I could and never went back.

Even when I met DH and we went back to my home town to visit, we weren’t welcome to stay if we were going to be out later than 10.30pm. So we always booked a b&q down the road.

At the time I thought it was my fault as she always reminded me I was a bit thoughtless and not considerate. Looking back (this was many years ago) it just seems so, sad. I will never do this to my kids.

I didn't know B&Q allowed people to stay there :-).

Of course it wasn't your fault. I would have left home as soon as possible. However your mother couldn't help how she felt.

Like you I wouldn't impose curfews on mine - well, I didn't, it's a long time ago now.

@jessstan2 sorry B&B .

No she couldn’t help how she felt. Apart perhaps from pursuing help for her anxiety and depression (she admitted she suffered but said AB’s were not good for people so wouldn’t take them)

It was best that I stayed living elsewhere for all our sakes. The puzzling thing was that she was completely mystified as to why I found it an issue!!