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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son is turning 18 and thinks it’s ok to stay out til 3am every night

217 replies

love21 · 23/07/2020 07:03

My son is intelligent and amazing but all of a sudden he is almost 18 and thinks he can go out at midnight to meet girls and friends and roll in when he likes - it worries me to death ! Apart from that he is good - he likes a drink but nothing heavy - I just stay up til 3-4 waiting each night as I can’t relax til he is home safe

OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 23/07/2020 07:38

Does he tell you before he goes out that he will be late back?

Is he expecting you to collect him?

Is he missing work or any other obligation because he is out so late?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/07/2020 07:38

You're being over the top. He's going to uni in September, he'll be living alone so you need to trust him and let him get on with it. He's an adult.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/07/2020 07:43

I think you need to manage your anxiety. It's not his fault you can't sleep until he gets back. It's why I think it's best for 18 year olds to move out to uni, gives them the chance to spread their wings and their parents don't have to know about everything.

user12345796 · 23/07/2020 07:45

I ask mine to send me a text if he will be very late. I say that I don't need to know where he is but I do worry and I like to know he is safe. I also tell him that I will always get up and come and get him if he needs me to. It helps a bit but I still worry. 18 year old lads think they're immortal but they are actually so vulnerable to so many things.

Heartlake · 23/07/2020 07:46

I'd be having a conversation with him along the lines of...

Your studying needs to be done
You need to keep up with your job
You need to help around the house/pay keep or whatever
I'm not getting in the way of you socialising

BUT

It's really inconsiderate to be coming in at all hours actually when this is my home too
I don't mind you staying out late but if it's later than midnight in the week then you need to crash somewhere and let me know before midnight out of courtesy
Be wary of the choices you make. I trust you to have freedom but if you mess up then you'll be looking to me to support you

My DCs are younger but I hope I can tackle this when it happens!

JaaniGoGo · 23/07/2020 07:49

My parents were pretty flexible but I know my mum worried so I wouldn’t stay out too late when I was at home. I moved out for uni and they were fine with that but if I was home, they would worry if I was out too late. This was before the wide use of mobiles so it wasn’t as easy to contact them. I think when he moves to uni, he can do what he wants but when he’s living at home, he needs to have a bit more respect and consideration for those who also live there. You do sound quite anxious though and that’s probably something you should work on.

SallyWD · 23/07/2020 07:50

I did the same at 18 (in 1992). I'd roll in at 3am,4am,5am. Sometimes 8d stay out all night. I went abroad with friends. My parents never stayed up waiting for me. I'd see it as enrional blackmail if they need. Let him live his life and have fun. He's an adult now

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 23/07/2020 07:54

I had no freedoms before going off to uni - as with another PP I went seriously off the rails when I first got my wings! It sounds like your son is finding his feet knowing he has a safe base to come back to each night, and that he’s not got himself into any trouble or excessively drunk?

Maybe ask for a courtesy text as to when he expects to be back or to let you know if he will be staying elsewhere. Once he’s off at uni you can hopefully take comfort that he seems to know his own limits and is able to manage his alcohol and finances sensibly - both skills I had no opportunity to develop whilst at home. And don’t do what my Mum did and insist on daily phone calls or texts to know if he’s still alive!!!

WhentheDealGoesDown · 23/07/2020 07:54

Are you actually staying up OP, or just in bed and can’t sleep, I always used to be in bed but couldn’t sleep properly and would usually nod off but would wake up about 3 or 4 o’clock and not easily get back to sleep if DS wasn’t in.

user1487194234 · 23/07/2020 07:55

His call
He's an adult
It's hard when they start all this but you will get used to it

keepingbees · 23/07/2020 07:56

My mum used to wait up for me and obsess about me being home. I was at college and used to just go out on a Saturday night like all my friends. I'd get home around 2am-3am which she thought was unreasonable. By the time we'd left a club, walked to a taxi rank and waited in a huge queue that was the time I got home, nothing untoward.
My friends parents never minded but I'd have my mobile ringing from about midnight onwards, then face a load of crap when I got home. It was controlling and embarrassing.
You'll always worry about your children but please try and deal with your anxieties and let him grow up.

jessstan2 · 23/07/2020 07:59

For goodness sakes, why are you staying up waiting for him to come in? He's eighteen, not fifteen. That is totally inappropriate.

At his age (and younger), it's quite normal to stay out until very late and he won't be doing it every night, certainly not when working or going to college the next day. Didn't you? I did. It doesn't go on forever. I imagine at the moment he doesn't have to be up early for anything.

MrsEricBana · 23/07/2020 08:00

I'm the same as you OP, I can't sleep till dcs are home. It's only natural. I do agree that if he's off to uni soon you'll have to go with it though. 💐

WhentheDealGoesDown · 23/07/2020 08:03

I don’t think the DC know though that you are worrying, I’m sure DS didn’t as I never used to question him or ring him and I just used to ask him if he had a good time the next day

vikingwife · 23/07/2020 08:06

Does anyone else suspect the 18 year old isn’t even going out every single night & that the frequency is an exaggeration?

pumpkinpie01 · 23/07/2020 08:07

Once he is at uni you won't have a clue what time he goes out, comes in , what he has drank - anything in fact ! So you really need to try and relax about it now and think of him as an adult.

monkeyonthetable · 23/07/2020 08:09

I'm so intrigued by these answers. My DS has also just turned eighteen and I'd worry if he came home later than about 1am after a very specific party I'd been given the address of in advance.

Try talking with him. Explain that you're not trying to impose rules on him, but you are his mum and you worry so much that you can't sleep and then feel ill with exhaustion. Ask him what he could do to help you stop worrying. Could he let you know where he is - give an address? At least tell you what club he is going to and what time it ends, and show you where it is on the map. Or could he stay overnight elsewhere at a known friend's house and come back in the morning?

Could you suggest his friends come and hang out at your house, then take something to help you sleep through the noise they make?

he needs to understand you are not being controlling, you have a natural and understandable fear. If he's mature enough to stay out all night, he's mature enough to care about the feelings of the person who raised him.

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 23/07/2020 08:09

You need to manage your own anxiety or you will push him away.

pictish · 23/07/2020 08:11

I have an 18 yr old son at home and I certainly don’t wait up for him. He comes and goes as he pleases really. All I ask is that he’s quiet when he comes in so as not to disturb the rest of the household. I always pop my head in his door first thing when I get up just to check all is ok...but other than that, no.
He’s 18 🤷‍♀️

CorianderLord · 23/07/2020 08:14

Stop waiting up. He's a grown up now. My mum used to wait up and it'd do my head in - all the guilt trip yawns fgs.

Yes it's normal to be up v late at his age

GreyishDays · 23/07/2020 08:14

I wouldn’t tell him not to come home if it’s after midnight. He might end up with nowhere to go.

If he was living at university you wouldn’t know what he was up to. You just need to get used to him doing it I think.

Bahhhhhumbug · 23/07/2020 08:16

Adult stepson lived with us full time up to mid twenties and from around 17/18 when he announced he was having a night out with his mates l used think great, nice rare quiet night in for me and dh. But l soon realised that a night out meant his mates arriving in and out his room with bottles of beer /WKDs /whatever till bloody 11.30 /midnight. Then they'd all traipse out shouting 'bye, see ya' etc to a by now fast asleep on the sofa us. I used to despair of ever getting an evening in together whilst we could still keep our eyes open, l really did.

Brefugee · 23/07/2020 08:16

it's something you get used to OP.
It's not unreasonable to ask him to let you know if he's coming home late so you can go to bed - it is unreasonable to expect him to be home early because you can't sleep.

It's a bit of a learning curve for both of you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 23/07/2020 08:16

Is this every night or a few nights a week ? Has he not been able to find any temporary work ?

WhentheDealGoesDown · 23/07/2020 08:16

This isn’t a normal year though, DS’s going out was slightly curtailed by his exams and he also worked in Waitrose and often had to be in early whereas if OPs DS hasn’t got a part time job and college has been closed for months and no exams to concentrate on he perhaps has been going out more that usual