Son is turning 18 and thinks it’s ok to stay out til 3am every night

[love21]

My son is intelligent and amazing but all of a sudden he is almost 18 and thinks he can go out at midnight to meet girls and friends and roll in when he likes - it worries me to death ! Apart from that he is good - he likes a drink but nothing heavy - I just stay up til 3-4 waiting each night as I can’t relax til he is home safe

Depends what he’s doing. It’s now normal for teens to go out to pubs-clubs after 9pm and come home at 3/4am as they are open later. They tend to have pre drinks at home first to save money. My DD is 19. But I would’ve like my son or daughter to be going out at midnight for no reason. You’re right to ask him where he’s going just as you would your husband, it’s fair to those that live in the house and care about you.

It’s 5 out of 7 night minimum and it’s exhausting

*wouldn't

Where is he going?

What is PFB?

He's out meeting girls and friends? OMG if that were my son I would delighted he is a social success! Honestly, I'd be over the moon if my son had friends to hang out, and girls to hang out with till 3am! What a relief it would be!

Stop looking for the bad and see the tremendous good right in front of you. Be grateful.

I had enough freedom as a teenager so I didn't "go mad" with alcohol or needing to see friends all the time when I was 18, as I'd been doing all that more gradually for a good two years (within reasonable ground rules).

Well, it’s unlikely he’s social distancing and wearing a mask until 3am, so you could legitimately be concerned about him giving you covid 19, but other than that, if you trust him and the only problem is that knowing he is out late makes you worry about him until he’s home, then I’m not surprised he thinks moving to his Dad’s so you don’t wait up for him all night, every night, might solve the problem!

PFB = precious first born.

I hate the phrase actually.

I wouldn’t like him to be hanging out in parks at that hour, possibly keeping people awake but if he was in a pub that’s fine.

You're being ridiculously over anxious. Get some sleeping tablets for the next 6 weeks.

He is my precious only son but second born

I was out until the early hours at that age, but I always told my mum what sort of time I'd be back so she'd know not to expect me back until a certain time. I know she didn't sleep properly until I got in anyway, and this was well before mobile phones! I was only very late at the weekends though but I was out most nights. There's not much you can do unless you boot him out, it's part of growing up.

Where is he between midnight and 3?????

Gosh, you really need to learn to sleep with him out. I spend most weekends away from 16-17 either camping or just sleeping over in our mate's house. From 17 I could come home whenever as long as I didn't wake anyone up AND it didn't impact my grades at college. I just had to sometimes let my parents know I am ok.

Giving your child freedom and showing you trust them take care of themselves is actually a good thing. Plus what will you do when he goes to uni? Never sleep? If he doesn't get into trouble and is quite responsible, it's fine.

You need to work on your anxiety.

@love21

A few years ago, Radio 4 spoke of a mother who phoned police to go and look for her son, as he was out later than she's said he could be.

He was in his Sixties, and she was 86.

It made me think ''Maybe we never stop worrying, as parents''....

The ''I'll move in with Dad'' threat is plain manipulative of him though.

Just say ''Go on, then''.... If he knows this hurts/worries you, it will give him more power.

OP
Just give him his freedom.
If he's only started going out, let him get some of this out of his system before uni.

Your relationship with him will have to change now.
Instead of grumbling at him, maybe just tell him to have a good time and let him go.

He'll have all the freedom in the world in a few months, so let him explore this while he's still at home.

Do you really want to spend the last few months with him with you being grumpy at him?

On a other thread,poster said she had a hall light on when child is out, he would turn it off when he arrived home, ensuring mum could see if he was back.

You'll get used to him being out. Relax.

I feel for you op. It's not nice going to bed when your precious son, who seemingly 5 minutes ago was playing Lego on the rug, is out who knows where with who knows who doing who knows what. My approach is to try and chat to him about safe and dangerous behaviours then trust him and hope he's okay. It is hard but it's growing up.

I was out at that time as an 18 year old. Sometimes clubs sometimes just having with friends, or late night cinema showings. I was a natural night owl and so that suited me.

But also, at the age of 18 I travelled across Europe and then lived in Romania for months, so I would gently suggest you need to calm down a little, find a way to cope with your anxiety and let him live his life. FYI my parents always went to bed. Sometimes my brother and I would meet my dad at 5am when he was getting up for work and we were coming in!

Totally normal. You need to manage your anxiety and if you can't, he needs to move out - or move in with his father.

Under my roof, I expect consideration whatever their age. That means letting me know where they are and home by midnight on a work night (for me, I understand OP's ds isn't working) Consideration works both ways and I'm happy to vary that and collect occasionally, meet trains etc
If he wants to stay out past your bedtime insist on having find friends activated and go to bed with your phone.

I used to be out this late at that age with no mobile phones!
It used to be Thurs, Fri, Sat and some Sundays!
I don't know how I did it
I totally get not sleeping.
With my DD if she was getting a cab then she had to make a big point of taking a pic of the taxi reg number and model and sending it to me before she got in it.
She outgrew it though.
At 22 she hardly ever goes out now.
You do have to let him live his young life.
So many of us did it and we are all OK.

My 18 year old.is doing the same at the moment and I am working on the basis that when he goes to uni soon he will be doing what he wants.

Most of his friends are doing the same and they all sleep in until lunchtime. He works as a lifeguard and comes off furlough next week So I am.hoping that will get him back on a more regular time.

I do get him to text me where he is going ie..which friend's garden they are all sat in and also to whatsapp when he gets in as I do fall asleep but tend to worry if I wake up and didn't hear him come in so I can see he is in.

I was out at that age until 3/4am. I’d go out to the pub or nightclub, then we’d all grab some food and go back to a friends house for more socialising.
All my parents asked was that I let them know when I was home by gently waking my mum up or that I’d text if I was staying out all night but to let them know where I’m case anything happened.

[quote oakleaffy]@love21

A few years ago, Radio 4 spoke of a mother who phoned police to go and look for her son, as he was out later than she's said he could be.

He was in his Sixties, and she was 86.

It made me think ''Maybe we never stop worrying, as parents''....

The ''I'll move in with Dad'' threat is plain manipulative of him though.

Just say ''Go on, then''.... If he knows this hurts/worries you, it will give him more power.[/quote]
Mil put a curfew on dh and I when we were visiting her - told us we had to be home before midnight, no joke - we're nearly 50, we were meeting old friends for dinner and drinks - because she'd worry. Imo her kids should have sorted out that issue out years ago, such an indulgence, thinking you can control another adult's life because you worry.