To ask if your alpha male partner contributes around the house?

[BlancheW]

I’m going through a divorce and one of the biggest reasons for my feelings eroding away is because I also work full time, look after young children, have my own demanding career, but my husband expects me to pick up 99% of the physical and mental load. He does his own washing, occasionally puts the bins out, does bathtime about once every 3-4 months and does bedtime stories about once a month. I do everything else. I have asked for help and he says no. Hence the breakdown of the relationship.

My problem is, I’m usually attracted to alpha male types... intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders, etc. I’m now wondering if this can possibly coexist with helping out more at home? Are all alpha males happy to leave the housework and childcare to their partners or are some of them a bit more developed in that regard?!

If your partner is an alpha male, does he help out?

I don’t think it has much to do with ‘alpha maleness’ whatever that is. More that your ex sounds like a lazy arse. My husband and I both work full time and split household duties and childcare equally.

Mine would if he could get away with it, but he has realised his life is a lot more fun when I'm happy and feeling supported, so he does help out, even though he doesn't actually live with me.

He's one of those who "doesn't see mess" [sceptical] but he will unload and load the dishwasher without prompting, and has now taken on responsibility for washing clothes and hoovering at his house, which used to be jobs for his lodger!

I don't think that alpha necessarily means they won't do their fair share, especially if you also have a high pressure career. It may be that those types are more likely to be the sole earner because they forge ahead in their career, which inevitably means they expect more support at home?

I dislike the alpha/beta nonsense, personally, but I know people who fit the description you've posted who can clean up after themselves. It's not very 'alpha' to need a mummy figure picking up after you, is it? And I wouldn't advise having kids with anyone who didn't want to raise them with you.

Thanks Papyrus and that’s what I want. How would you describe your husband’s personality?

I suppose it depends how you define alpha male. I'm sure there are lots of men who are "intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders" who help out. I think my DH fits that bill and he's pretty hands on.

But if when you say alpha man you actually mean someone who is arrogant, self-centered and thinks they are above helping out because it offends their ideas of manhood, then you're probably out of luck.

My husband fits that description and yes he absolutely does his share, but I've never really thought of him as an "alpha male". He's smart, good at his job where he has a leadership role, fun company, holds intelligent discussion and is dominant in bed but I don't know, I don't think of him as "alpha", just a fantastic guy. I don't think he thinks of himself as "alpha" either. So maybe he isn't and therefore isn't relevant to your question? I don't know, sorry. I'm not sure what your definition is. He earns above average if that's relevant, but not insane megabucks. He's not given to outward displays to impress people. I kind of think of "alpha" as a way of relating to other people and he doesn't generally give much of a shit what others think.

If you're attracted to arrogant men, which a lot of women seem to be, there does as a general rule seem to be a flipside. Not one that I find to be worth it.

It may be that those types are more likely to be the sole earner because they forge ahead in their career, which inevitably means they expect more support at home?
In my case I have a high pressure, high responsibility, high stakes yet relatively low salaried job vs my husband who also has a busy job but no lives at risk and he earns 5 times as much.

Maybe I have been attracted to arrogant men in the past. That needs to change.

But actually my husband isn’t at all arrogant so perhaps not.

Well I’d say DH is intelligent and I find him fairly charismatic and charming 😂, he heads up a department at work and is very good at his job.

But he’s also a feminist and doesn’t view my career as less important than his, although I’m in a sector with significantly less earning potential. His job is actually more flexible than mine, and in normal times he works from home a couple of days a week.

I guess we see ourselves as a team and organise our lives accordingly.

What did attract you to your husband?

My husband is intelligent, charismatic and can hold his own in a debate, but I’d never describe him as an alpha male (mainly because the alpha male sounds like a rather outdated idea, and very unattractive). He does (everyone’s) laundry, washes up, cooks most of the meals and does his fair share of the childcare. He rarely announces that he’s done these things in the way that some men tend to do, although he was oddly proud of himself for cleaning the bathroom sink earlier this week.

Be certain that doing a reasonable share of the housework is in no way emasculating for a man - if he’s a decent man.

Well done for leaving your STBExH. He sounds like a prick. Enjoy being single for a while, then, if you want to, find yourself a new man who isn’t so underdeveloped domestically.

N.B. DH is in no way perfect. He snores, has a hundred irritating habits and deliberately gets song lyrics wrong just to annoy me. But he does his fair share around the house!

I think you need to take time to work on yourself OP and that will flag up whether this is really about Alpha Males or your low self esteem in allowing men to behave as selfishly as your STBX. Well done for getting out of your current relationship.

Do you feel protected by these type of alpha men or submissive.
It is much better to go for a man that cares if you're tired not thinks it is his right to have a maid regardless of how much you have on your plate.
I can't stand ignorant alpha males don't get me wrong DP is very manly but not arrogant at all.

If he cant earn enough that you dont need to work is he really alpha or is he just a lazy misoginistic prick?
He obviously is arrogant if he thinks parenting his own kids and washing his own pants is beneath him and his time is more valuable than yours.

Well done for getting rid of your 'alpha male'.

I intensely dislike the term alpha male. Sounds like something a vapid woman's magazine dreamt up.

Dh is 'intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders, etc.'. He is a professional and high earner, which I presume is also important to you.

He absolutely helps out with housework and childcare. In fact, he does most of the cooking, gardening, dcs' sports and holiday planning. I do the cleaning, children's school and household finances. At this stage, I think he does more.

Thanks everyone. I have done a lot of work on myself already with counselling through this period but I’m sure I still have areas I need to develop.

What attracted me to him? The guys before him seemed like boys in comparison. He was a man and had his own place that he was proud of. He appeared to be a feminist and was very supportive of my career. The not helping around the house has mostly been over the last 2-3 years. I think he stopped caring about me so it didn’t matter to him if he let me do everything. As I say, I asked for help but he said no.

Do you feel protected by these type of alpha men or submissive.
Neither. I suppose it’s because I think of myself as intelligent and very capable so I’m only attracted to men who seem at least as capable as me. Those capable men tend to be leaders in their organisations because they’re bright too.

If he cant earn enough that you dont need to work is he really alpha or is he just a lazy misoginistic prick?
Ha! I love my job. I’m a doctor and we pay our nanny more than I earn so I actually pay to go to work.

I though alpha males earned enough to pay for nannies/housekeepers. And men too lazy to do their share were just beta males with a sense of entitlement.

Eh?? Really not understanding this “Alpha” stuff sorry OP. DH is as complex as I am and wouldn’t fit into a “type”. He loves his kids, shares responsibility, is good at his job and is caring and supportive to his family. aren’t all “ good”partners - irrespective of their character traits/careers ? What aren’t I getting here?

My Dh is a 'manly man' but he doesnt 'help out' , we're in this together. Both full time and 2 young kids. We play to our strengths- he does dishwasher , hoovering, cleaning kitchen, I do cooking (he cooks about 1x a week at night same meal and does sunday brunch) and kids school clothes/stuff. He drops the kids to school I collect t from afterschool club. I do usually put to bed (only because I want to and I'm quicker!) . It's about team work.

Don't get me wrong though we're both stubborn and have been together a few decades so have gradually got to this point. Theres been 'strikes' along the way and sahm 'discussions'!

I don't think its 'alpha Male's or personality I think its being lazy.

He absolutely helps out with housework and childcare. In fact, he does most of the cooking, gardening, dcs' sports and holiday planning. I do the cleaning, children's school and household finances. At this stage, I think he does more.
Wow, I genuinely can’t imagine that. I do all of those things. I suppose it’s about caring for your other half and I guess DH just doesn’t care enough about me.

I’m quite shocked that you work full time as a doctor - which I imagine must be full on and stressful, and your husband has point blank refused to do his share of household stuff.

I think you need to stop categorising human men as alphas. The alpha/beta schtick derives from analysis of wolf behaviour that was found to be faulty. It doesn't apply to wolves and it doesn't apply to humans.

It's just out-of-date cod evo-psych. You don't want out of date fish in your fridge, and you don't want it in your head.