To ask if your alpha male partner contributes around the house?

[BlancheW]

I’m going through a divorce and one of the biggest reasons for my feelings eroding away is because I also work full time, look after young children, have my own demanding career, but my husband expects me to pick up 99% of the physical and mental load. He does his own washing, occasionally puts the bins out, does bathtime about once every 3-4 months and does bedtime stories about once a month. I do everything else. I have asked for help and he says no. Hence the breakdown of the relationship.

My problem is, I’m usually attracted to alpha male types... intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders, etc. I’m now wondering if this can possibly coexist with helping out more at home? Are all alpha males happy to leave the housework and childcare to their partners or are some of them a bit more developed in that regard?!

If your partner is an alpha male, does he help out?

H isn’t an alpha male in the typical sense. But in the political sense. He is an amazing speaker, charismatic when he wants to be, smart, high achieving. He is a senior director at an early age and tipped as Chief Exec. But he is also almost 50/50 in the house (we have a cleaner so just extra tidying).

You can have an awesome dude without them bring a typical alpha.

I’m quite shocked that you work full time as a doctor - which I imagine must be full on and stressful, and your husband has point blank refused to do his share of household stuff.
Yeah. The issue is that I work full time on a Covid rota so it’s 3 days on, 3 days off, 3 nights on, 3 nights off. The days are 8am-9pm but the reality is that I have to be in by 7.15 to find elusive scrubs, etc. So it’s 45.5 hours a week but condensed into a few days. We only have a nanny on the days I work (including the weekends so he doesn’t have to look after them by himself!) so the other days I’m at home. My colleagues rest on those days but it’s full on with my children. DH says those are days off. When I said I work full time like him he roared with laughter. To top it all, my mother recently died. There’s more too but it begins to sound ridiculous and is outing.

Nights are 8pm-9am.

Sorry if the phrase alpha male is outdated. I just meant a dominant, leading, charismatic, strong, masculine man. Saying alpha male just seemed easier. I have what I call a few alpha females at work too.

If your stbx is an exmple, you're attracted to dickheads who want a mum, not a wife, Not very alpha, after all.

Well done for getting rid of this lazy entitled man.

Stop with the 'alpha male' nonsense.

Put your bloody foot down and don't make the same mistake again.

He doesn’t want a Mum. He would happily cook a separate meal just for himself. He does his own washing. I just do everything else for the kids and the house.

I think the term alpha is very outdated and problematic. My ex was all the things you term an 'alpha' to be, also with a side of not being able to keep his dick in his pants, which I think he thought was very alpha indeed

What I will also say about him is he took immense pride in our home, probably did more chores than I did, and thought that any man who 'couldn't' clean or look after a young baby or several children by themselves was utterly pathetic.

Even though I ended the relationship - he really showed me that a man who cleans his home and cares for his children is really the bare minimum. I would never accept anything less, especially someone who thought that all the house/kids stuff was 'women's work'. As a previous poster said, the least manly 'alpha' thing ever is a man who needs his mummy to clean up after him.

Put your bloody foot down and don't make the same mistake again.
You’re right. I treat others very well and expect the same in return but it isn’t always forthcoming. I hate confrontation and to be honest DH can be a bit scary when angry. When I have challenged him he has been really angry and can’t believe what I’m saying. He thinks he does contribute.

'dominant, leading, charismatic, strong, masculine man' I don't see what any of those characteristics have to do with not being able to do stuff around the house.

there are men who definitely live in this decade and not the 1950's.

As I say, I think that DH just doesn’t care about me at all anymore so he might as well just leave me to do everything. He actually said “I’m sorry Blanche, I just don’t care about you enough to be the husband you want me to be”.

Many of my friends husbands do little around the home too so it’s difficult to gauge what’s normal.

Agree with those saying you need to start with yourself. Not him. Or other men who might fit your idea of suitable partners.

Just be comfortable in your body, in your own space, as you are right here and right now.

There's a sense in your posts of seeking answers and reasons to why this relationship didn't work and a need to "get it right"/make the right choice next time.

The point is, it didn't work and you are moving on. You alone.

Just read your last post - so he is an aggressive bullying type! Good that you are leaving him.

You are a doctor you are probably a million times tougher than him tbh. What does he do for a living? I bed it is not half as stressful and challenging as what you do.

Jesus I just saw your update! That is cold. I know people can't stand it on here but sounds like a classic narc discard.

I don’t think I would want to live with a man again. My husband started off as a feminist and now I feel like a servant. I don’t think I could trust anyone again in that regard.

I thought the "alpha male" concept was largely considered a myth.

You are a doctor you are probably a million times tougher than him tbh.
I think so too.
What does he do for a living? I bed it is not half as stressful and challenging as what you do.
It’s not life or death! It’s a bit niche so outing but it’s like a business sales/consulting job.

I would have employed 2 housekeepers to help around the house considering he is a wealthy professional.
Where do you live when a nanny earns more than a doctor

OP I'm not sure he was ever a feminist. Probably just wanted to seem like one to draw you in. Once you were married and stuck with him he could show his true and shitty colours.

Well it seems like youve done the right thing in spitting up.
How bloody dare he.
I don't really know what alpha means but i know what it means to love your job, mine is much less stressful or important than yours and ive also paid to work in the past.
Im a single parent so I get some days, not many, off from work and my child.
Life is much easier without the weight of unmet expectations bringing you down, I do everything at home but i wake up knowing i have to, rather than wondering and being bitter that theres someone there that could help but choses not to.
That eats you alive.
You'll be more than fine, you're obviously capable and intelligent, split access 50/50 or dont, you're doing it all anyway at least you might get a weekend day off when hes got them.
Im sorry its turned out like this, you must be disappointed but you deserve so much better.

He’s not a narcissist. I know one or two and DH is very different. He’s just emotionally cool and rigid in his approach sometimes.

Maybe the Freedom Programme course would help you re-assess what's normal in a relationship and why you find bullies attractive. It covers both of those areas.

It's interesting you use the term "other half" in the context of someone who doesn't take on half of anything and treats you as lesser (and unless you had some kind of miraculous conception half of the nanny fees should come out of his salary so saying you pay to go to work is false).

You sound very passive. Do you think that's fair to say?

I would have employed 2 housekeepers to help around the house considering he is a wealthy professional.
Ha! Our nanny is amazing. On her days with the kids she tries to help me out with washing, cleaning, etc.
Where do you live when a nanny earns more than a doctor?
The south east. I’m in the 9-12 years before becoming a consultant so not earning that much. I even checked the benefits calculator and it seems I’m entitled to UC! 😱

He started off as a feminist because he needed bait to lure you in.

The man who treats you as a servant is who he really is.

He's a garden variety misogynistic bully.