To ask if your alpha male partner contributes around the house?

[BlancheW]

I’m going through a divorce and one of the biggest reasons for my feelings eroding away is because I also work full time, look after young children, have my own demanding career, but my husband expects me to pick up 99% of the physical and mental load. He does his own washing, occasionally puts the bins out, does bathtime about once every 3-4 months and does bedtime stories about once a month. I do everything else. I have asked for help and he says no. Hence the breakdown of the relationship.

My problem is, I’m usually attracted to alpha male types... intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders, etc. I’m now wondering if this can possibly coexist with helping out more at home? Are all alpha males happy to leave the housework and childcare to their partners or are some of them a bit more developed in that regard?!

If your partner is an alpha male, does he help out?

@BlancheW

I would be going 50/50 as well.

Even though I've earned more over the years.

We're married, and he has facilitated my earnings, as I have his.

But we don't have young children. That changes things hugely, if you are the main custodial parent.

I’m happy with our arrangements.

Anyone else hate the alpha/beta nomenclature as much as I do.

I don’t like it myself, but it’s interesting way to describe human hierarchies. It goes from sigma, alpha, beta, delta, omega btw so more choices than alpha/beta.
(Sigmas are the god complex surgeons or generals)

Are you getting 50% of his pension?
Because considering how young your children are, unless he's paying 50% for the nanny until your youngest is 14 hes mugging you off.
See a solicitor is the best advice anyone can give you at this stage.

You're not going 50/50 on raising the children which are half his, which means he owes you more than 50 in financials.
You really need to see a solicitor.
If you're still happy fine..
But judging from how you've described him as a selfish arrogant prick, you or your children wont get what you deserve without forcing him.

The fuck is an alpha male? We're not in a Twilight novel.

The phrase alpha male makes me a bit sick in my mouth but my DH fits the qualities you describe. Confident, charming, successful. We have 3 young DC and he shares all childcare except breastfeeding. Nappy changes, playing, bathtime, bedtime, stories, all split 50/50 unless he is actually working. We have a cleaner who does most of the housework, I do laundry and he does the lion's share of cooking and meals. We do have a very strong relationship (been together nearly 20 years) and I am also confident and have my own career although I'm still on maternity leave just now. I've always been very clear that I do not do wife work and expect him to parent and not 'help', and he has delivered. He is actually pretty contemptuous of men who don't parent their own kids.

I'm glad you are getting rid of this tool and please be assured there are good men out there!

If he offered me more than 50% I would reject it. I’m happy with half.

It sounds as though you know yourself very well - and you’re standing up for yourself. Strong woman.
My husband (high earner, arrogant, attractive, charming...major anger issues) does his own laundry, will cook when pushed, vacuums to prove his point that the house is filthy... re-stacks the dishwasher to prove I do it wrong... pulls clothes out of the dryer and hangs them while complaining i shouldn’t use the dryer... says he won’t do some jobs around the place because they’re ‘pink’ jobs.
I work too in a professional role but don’t earn the same. I’m exhausted and resigned (to my fate).

Half of what though?
The house?
What about his pension?
The costs of raising two very young children whilst trying to keep a career when he only sees them a few days a month?
Is he paying half for the nanny?
Does he do a job that means he can dodge maintenance if you need to claim via cms?
See a solicitor for an hour and listen to them.
Im not a lawyer, I'm a waitress with an ex that pays zero but even i can see you're being mugged off.
Why are you letting him do that?
Because he's alpha and you're not?
What would his sister do?
You need to speak to a professional, sod your principles or what looks good or what you think you should do or whats fair, get what your children are entitled to.
50%of a house aint it.

BlackSwan your life sounds miserable and i would rather be poor and single than live like that.
Fuck these shitty men.
I hope my son don't grow up to be so selfish and inadequate, I would die of shame.

I live by my values and that keeps me happy. If I’m happy my children are happy. I’m going to stop talking about the finances now because I have already said I’m totally happy with what we have agreed. Not everyone wants as much as they can get. I know you’re looking out for me and my children but please let the subject lie.

Ok, I understand and I respect that and ive done the same on a much smaller scale ive never chased my ex for maintence because it wasnt worth the effort for the low amout.
Im proud of myself for doing it all alone even though I shouldn't have had to.
My ex has our son more than your husband will have your children.
It pisses me off when i think about it if he had done half the work or paid half the costs my career wouldn't have been compromised and I'd be earning twice what he does now, maybe even 3 times.
What im saying is 50/50 is not fair when he's not doing or paying for half the childcare and all the shitwork.

How does he not see that working 45 hours a week as a doctor on a COVID ward isn’t a full-time job? Or does he think that how hard someone works is shown only in the size of their pay cheque? What a bizarre attitude to not see a doctor as hard-working, especially right now.

Anyway, it sounds like you’re making the right decision. I know of a few couples who are in the same boat where all was well before kids but after kids arrived the female partner got fed up of doing all the parenting alone and eventually they divorced. A friend who divorced last year in exactly that situation (both in stressful jobs but he refused to do his share at home and would take the kids to his mother or sister any time he was with them on his own) told me she’s much happier now and has more time to herself as the weekends the kids are with him, she gets a total break, either to catch up on work or just relax.

This is the strangest thread..................................... However OP you have had your question answered and I agree with everyone else.

I’m gonna use the term alpha in your context. I totally get you and don’t care if I’ll get flamed for using alpha. It’s too early in the morning to be pc lol. I think what it is is that your ex didn’t deem the domestics and cleaning important. I have the same with mine. In his view if it’s not important (to him) he won’t do it. I’d rather employ a gardener than cleaner, my dh would do the reverse. I’d have to delegate and repeat myself nth times for dh to clean bathroom yet he’d mow the lawns and wash cars without me prompting or even being aware!

It’s not ideal and I think it’s something to be aware about and how you going to deal with it. Dh is funny, kind in the most part, intelligent, does very well in life and if I needed him financially...I can depend on him. I work full time and earn a very high salary (top end of mumsnet imaginary scale ...read my past threads ) and I do think the equivalent alphas For the most part have certain traits to be in these kind of jobs which doesn’t always sit well with home life. Everything I say is anecdotal but definitely in my social sphere, the alphas are commonly divorced, have stay at home wives or husbands, and outsource as much domestic work as possible!!

My partner is a man's man. In the often typical reference. He works hard, is a trades man, can do everything round the house (DIY) and he does to perfection. But he cooks, cleans, baths the kids etc. I would say your husband is lazy

Your values will let you apply for UC but not seek an award that a court would deem to be fair and just in divorce proceedings where there are young children to take into account..

I’m not going to apply for the UC. I was just surprised that I qualified for it. Please don’t judge me for not wanting more than half of our family’s money.

Your values will let you apply for UC but not seek an award that a court would deem to be fair and just in divorce proceedings where there are young children to take into account.. hmm
Yep, a special kind of values that strongly say the man I had children with should NOT have to support them but the state should provide for his failings. It’s not my idea of independent.

He is supporting them. We have agreed a financial settlement and he will be paying more child maintenance than the calculator suggests. I don’t understand why people are attacking me for not wanting more money. I’m very happy with what we have agreed.

It says a lot about you that you believe traits like charisma, intelligence and being able to debate would be at odds with being a decent humans being who respects his partner and loves his children. It suggests that you believe a man whi actually takes part in family life is somehow emasculated.

I think you need to work on your own misconceptions before you enter into another relationship.

Alpha male is such a wanky and embarrassing phrase and concept.

What you need is a mature, decent, grown up partner.

DH did anything I needed him to do after all my births including lots of things I didn't ask him to do what with him having eyes and being able to see what needed doing. As soon as he got in from work he did whatever needed doing. Our children are now all teenagers and I'm still at home and he is still working but he does plenty just as I do. Obviously I do loads in the day as I am here and it is my job as part of the deal but if he came home and I'd sat watching telly all day and then was no dinner there would be no issue. He'd just cook.
With three kids under five we had to get on with it. I'd feed the baby while he would finish bathing the older one/s and get them in to bed and read a story.

You are undoubtedly a skilled professional. You should consult another skilled professional (a shit hot solicitor) before the deal is agreed.

Why should you have to claim UC rather than stand up to your misogynistic DH? The money is for the kids not you.

Don’t be a mug, you’ve already put up with a lot from him and will carry the consequences of this for decades. If you don’t want to stand up for yourself, you should stand up for your children!

OP, it does seem a little as if this thread has been about you wanting us to tell you 'yep, that's just the way men are, unless they're charismaless and [in conventional categories of male value] useless', so you can accept it and not draw active conclusions and consequences from the shitty deal you have/had. I'm afraid MN won't provide that.