To ask if your alpha male partner contributes around the house?

[BlancheW]

I’m going through a divorce and one of the biggest reasons for my feelings eroding away is because I also work full time, look after young children, have my own demanding career, but my husband expects me to pick up 99% of the physical and mental load. He does his own washing, occasionally puts the bins out, does bathtime about once every 3-4 months and does bedtime stories about once a month. I do everything else. I have asked for help and he says no. Hence the breakdown of the relationship.

My problem is, I’m usually attracted to alpha male types... intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders, etc. I’m now wondering if this can possibly coexist with helping out more at home? Are all alpha males happy to leave the housework and childcare to their partners or are some of them a bit more developed in that regard?!

If your partner is an alpha male, does he help out?

@BlancheW

Sorry if the phrase alpha male is outdated. I just meant a dominant, leading, charismatic, strong, masculine man. Saying alpha male just seemed easier. I have what I call a few alpha females at work too.

Sounds like you're the wrong woman for him and wrong for each other to be honest. He wants a housewife, you want an equal partner.

OP, you're a doctor so we know you're smart. But you're not a solicitor so you may not have so much experience of family law and why it's structured the way it is. Go to a solicitor and talk to them. You don't have to act on their advice but why would you not make an informed decision?

@BlancheW

I’m not going to apply for the UC. I was just surprised that I qualified for it. Please don’t judge me for not wanting more than half of our family’s money.

The money is not for you though.

It's for the children.

He may have an agreement but this isn't binding and given his behaviours he will fuck you over - by then it will be too late to secure a decent financial package for the children.

He has shown little care or interest in them and is disengaged from family life - so what makes you think he will keep to his promises? They very rarely do - esp when they have or meet someone else.

As I say, I think that DH just doesn’t care about me at all anymore so he might as well just leave me to do everything. He actually said “I’m sorry Blanche, I just don’t care about you enough to be the husband you want me to be”.

OP, you may find this article interesting as it unpacks what it means to a woman when a man does not help out in the house:

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

PS the fact that you are a doctor is awesome.

Yes, the problem with promises to pay maintenance above the legal level is that they're usually easy to go back on. The nice thing about a split of assets in your favour is that once it's done its done.

That being said, if he's a very high earner it may be enough for you to be able to take him to court over it, so there's that. If you aren't going to be stuck with the shitty CMS there may be more options for you. But this is why you would be a massive tit not to get legal advice.

Two things -

First his logic on childcare is very flawed. you have 2 days off, during which you do childcare. Childcare = therefore a day off. He won't do childcare in the evening because he's having time off. Why does time off mean childcare for you, and time off means relaxing for him? if it's that easy he should be able to do it no sweat, with his big Alpha powers.

second- get a lawyer. In your professional life you must see all the time that people's lives are upended by health and other crises. Why deliberately take away your children's safety net, and you own future choices, because of your pride now? You haven't done only 50% of the work up to now, and you shouldn't get only 50% of the benefits.

It's nothing to do with beta or alpha it's whether the person is an arsehole or not. Excusing him for being an alpha is letting him get his own way just because he has a strong personality.

My dad is a alpha a leader in all situations, charming and really funny. Before I was born he was known as a local hard man and not someone you'd want to mess with and a lot of people would have been scared of him even after they'd saw that marriage and children mellowed him.

At home he was completely different worked 40+ hour weeks and handed his entire pay packet over to my mum. He helped with the cleaning and cooking. He also devoted all his free time to his kids and our cousins. When I was born it was unheard of for men to push prams in our estate but mum says he proudly wheeled my pink one about trying to get me off to sleep.

My husband would be classed as a beta he let's me take the lead but when we moved in together we worked out a way to split bills and chores 50/50 which suited both or us and I'm sure we will work the same when the baby comes along.