To ask if your alpha male partner contributes around the house?

[BlancheW]

I’m going through a divorce and one of the biggest reasons for my feelings eroding away is because I also work full time, look after young children, have my own demanding career, but my husband expects me to pick up 99% of the physical and mental load. He does his own washing, occasionally puts the bins out, does bathtime about once every 3-4 months and does bedtime stories about once a month. I do everything else. I have asked for help and he says no. Hence the breakdown of the relationship.

My problem is, I’m usually attracted to alpha male types... intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders, etc. I’m now wondering if this can possibly coexist with helping out more at home? Are all alpha males happy to leave the housework and childcare to their partners or are some of them a bit more developed in that regard?!

If your partner is an alpha male, does he help out?

Sod what he thinks about his sister.
He's not married to his sister he's married to you.
Have you discussed what the arrangements with the children will be?
Do you trust him to meet their needs?

I don’t know about Alpha male but my chauvinistic pig of an ex wouldn’t do anything in the house to help or with child care. The only thing that he did around the house was make more work for me! Dirty clothes dropped wherever, dirty mugs left and would walk away from table leaving plates and crockery etc there for me to clean up. Children were more help than him until they got old enough to be told to leave it, it was mums job!

@BlancheW

I’m not an alpha female, this is true.

I’m an NHS doctor and we have strict pay scales. I can’t negotiate more.

Interesting that you say that alpha males only respect alpha females. Thinking about it I think you’re right. DH has a huge amount of respect for his alpha sister. He compares us a lot. She has a high powered job, is a mother, works out and keeps a very clean/tidy house. He has been known to compare us regarding domesticity. However she can afford a lot more help.

I have a very nice and helpful beta male DH. Perhaps give a non alpha male a go. Think maybe you are attracted to challenging men/bad boys? Think we’re all a little guilty of that. They’re not good for us though.

Yes it’s true, alpha males only respect alpha females but they rarely will marry/stay with one because she’s too much of a challenge. They prefer beta females. Nice girls that they can override and ignore and be horrible to.

OP, you've picked up on the one dodgy bit of advice on this thread. Alpha males only respect alpha females - you may as well say bullies only respect bullies. Please drop this description as I feel you are using it as a justification of abusive behaviour. Alpha humans might exist in a variety of situations e.g prison. Drug cartels. Remote tribes. Criminal gangs. In mainstream society there exists people who are able to be reasonably assertive about their needs and wishes and cooperate like adults with other human beings and dickheads. I feel your OH may be the latter.

He’ll have them every other weekend and one evening on the week he’s not having them at the weekend. Yes, he’s 100% capable of looking after them and looking after them very well. He just chooses not to help me. The other night I was exhausted and I asked for his help to put the kids to bed. He said “No, because I work full time”.

would walk away from table leaving plates and crockery etc there for me to clean up.
DH does this.

My DH fits that description and does more than his share at home due to the nature of my job. He earns almost double what I do but the nature of my job means I have to work longer hours.

Why are you calling him DH? Or "alpha" or saying his input is "help"?

You need to rewrite your whole vocabulary

@BlancheW

When I had to work weekends before Covid he was great with the kids. The house was a state, obviously, but he coped well with them.

I used to babysit. I was great with the kids because I didn't bother myself about the family's lifework. See the difference? He's supposed to be a parent, not a babysitter.

Alpha humans might exist in a variety of situations e.g prison. Drug cartels. Remote tribes. Criminal gangs

Add: Schools, work, social groups.
Alpha humans exist everywhere. And if you read OPs description she did not use it as “justification for abuse” but as a personality type. Not all bullies or abusers are alphas by the way. You can’t use the terms interchangeably. OPs DH is probably both an alpha AND a dickhead as you called him.

"I just don’t care about you enough to be the husband you want me to be”.

Ouch! I mean, this is the problem really, isn't it, not the fact that he's a so-called alpha type. He's fallen out of love and can't be bothered, can he? More fool him, as you sound fab.

I think there may sometimes be a correlation between the qualities you describe and a failure to want to pick up the caring and thinking load. In my experience, those sorts of qualities often form part of the polish bestowed by a public school education or similar, and, depending on the school, kids who thrive in that sort of environment often have a bit of a carapace - they can switch off their emotions, or appear to, and have clear ideas about how to get to where they want to be. They can be attractive but sometimes aren't very emotionally mature. I don't think it has to be that way, though. My DH had that kind of upbringing, and has the brains and the self-assurance to come across as 'alpha' but in reality he doesn't have that alpha selfishness, and is a very caring person and a good father. I'm sure there are plenty more out there like him!

I suppose you might have done more due diligence about what lay beneath your DH's charm, but we all take risks in love and it's not your fault he's just stopped wanting to try.

for you.

He's fallen out of love and can't be bothered, can he?
Yes, this is exactly it.

@BlancheW

He's a lazy selfish entitled Im the man with the big job total arse.

You know this now so, stop beating yourself up. It's not normal and you're moving on.

You don't need to justify this to yourself, or question yourself anymore.

You're 100% right.

With a bit of luck some other woman will not put up with his shite, but he'll probably find another who will. Not your problem.

Move on with your head held high.

And don't make the same mistake again.

He sounds like right twat.

You sound confused. Best of luck with UC.

Hmm, my husbnd is smart and a leader, has a good job, he's a manly man type, though he's also grouchy and has become fat. So I don't know if he's an alpha male.

He's better at housework than I am, even though I am largely a SAHM. He does most of the traditional man jobs and also his own laundry, and he takes care of the bedding, and cleans if he's around and it needs to be done.

I do a lot more childcare, I homeschool and do some in home childcare for others, but he's pretty good about that as well, he takes the kids places and lets me go out with friends, or take a vacation.

Mumsnet is great for helping you unravel a problem sometimes we can't think logically in a situation especially when you see men throughout your social circle having an easy ride.
The babysitter post was spot on no family duties involved just watch and play with the DC.

I know many registrars (junior doctors) who pay their nannies more than they earn - especially when they are 'part time.'
I also know a few who are married to men like your husband.
They are all knackered.

What stands out to me here is that you know you should value yourself - your identity is linked to work and you work hard and achieve incredible things. But your self esteem has been eroded over time.

As I think many have said - you need time on your own.
You should make the deanery a d your ES / TPD aware of your personal situation and they should make a few allowances for you.
Plus you'll be surprised how many at work will have picked up on the situation and give you extra support there too.

And the next guy you go out with - your career comes first - you're the one on the Frontline changing people's lives. (And avoid the surgeons with God complexes).

Xx

So he will be seeing his kids 6 days a month.
Hardly Dad of the year is he.
Stop worrying about his personality type and make sure you get a fair divorce settlement and child maintance payments..
I know its hard and you will have all kinds of feelings but you need to be ruthless now and get what you and the children deserve.
Hes been ruthless up to now and its completly against your nature to be the same but dont be soft when it matters, what happens in the divorce will make all the difference to your lives going forward.
Have you consulted a solicitor yet?
How old are the children?

My husband is an Alpha, and does a good chunk of the cooking and child care. We have a housekeeper who does the majority of the housework, so we only do general tiding up, keep the sink clean, and the occasional scrub of a toilet.

I think a lot of it comes down to you. I'm not a beta, but I don't think I'm an Alpha. I'm a bit of a lone wolf. Historically I've been incredibly meh about relationships. I went from 18-27 not dating anybody by choice, then only reluctantly dated again because I specifically wanted to have children. So while I love my Dh, he knows without a shred of a doubt if he became more of a burden (by choice or laziness, not through injury or illness) to me, I would not hesitate to throw him out. I just don't do stressful relationships because I have very limited interest in nonstressful relationships to begin with. Being with me is a privilege, if you abuse that privilege it goes away. If you're willing to put up with stress and bullshit, an Alpha will give you stress and bullshit, because it benefits other areas of their life to do so.

But I also get it. I cannot do beta males and their clingy behavior. I don't want to be asked thirty times a day if I'm happy with the relationship or even just happy in general. Believe me, if I wasn't happy, you'd know about it.

Arrowcat, thanks. My ES and TPD know and are very supportive. It has been a difficult 6 months. Lots of other stuff too and they can hardly believe that I’m still standing! But I feel very lucky. I have wonderful children and I absolutely love my job.

But I also get it. I cannot do beta males and their clingy behavior. I don't want to be asked thirty times a day if I'm happy with the relationship or even just happy in general. Believe me, if I wasn't happy, you'd know about it.
I would HATE this!!! 🤣

I’m not using a solicitor. We’re going 50:50 financially and I’m happy with that. Anything else is against my values and I won’t consider it.
Sorry to sound harsh but I have had people pushing their views on me regarding this.

The kids are 4 and 6. I’m also very happy with the custody/access arrangements.

@BlancheW

But I also get it. I cannot do beta males and their clingy behavior. I don't want to be asked thirty times a day if I'm happy with the relationship or even just happy in general. Believe me, if I wasn't happy, you'd know about it. I would HATE this!!! 🤣

yeah most of us would hate that. But those aren't the choices.

You can find a confident, independent man who is engaged in his own ambition in life who also is engaged in family life and understands how loving someone works (it doesn't involve telling the person you are supposed to love that you won't help her put the children to bed because "I work full-time" - that is just being a dick). Honestly OP your dh doesn't sound "alpha". he sounds a selfish man who happens to earn a bit of money and who takes you for granted - that's a beta in my world view and that of my dh.

Anyone else hate the alpha/beta nomenclature as much as I do.

I cannot do beta males and their clingy behavior. I don't want to be asked thirty times a day if I'm happy with the relationship or even just happy in general.

No, completely agree but you are describing an omega male, not a beta male. Beta male are right hand man to alpha male. So the quiet power behind the throne that quietly gets everything done. Little less charisma and much less desire for accolades or praise. They’d also take over or stand in for alpha if needed, so also a capable leader but not bothered about a figurehead alpha getting the credit.