To ask if your alpha male partner contributes around the house?

[BlancheW]

I’m going through a divorce and one of the biggest reasons for my feelings eroding away is because I also work full time, look after young children, have my own demanding career, but my husband expects me to pick up 99% of the physical and mental load. He does his own washing, occasionally puts the bins out, does bathtime about once every 3-4 months and does bedtime stories about once a month. I do everything else. I have asked for help and he says no. Hence the breakdown of the relationship.

My problem is, I’m usually attracted to alpha male types... intelligent, charismatic, charming, can hold his own in any debate, leaders, etc. I’m now wondering if this can possibly coexist with helping out more at home? Are all alpha males happy to leave the housework and childcare to their partners or are some of them a bit more developed in that regard?!

If your partner is an alpha male, does he help out?

I’m not attracted to bullies at all. I’m divorcing him remember?

I’m not a passive person. I retrained to be a doctor, forged my own future, achieved my own dreams. My male best friend nicknamed me ‘the dreamer’. I’m a kind, gentle person. I’m definitely not passive! :)

"Life is much easier without the weight of unmet expectations bringing you down, I do everything at home but i wake up knowing i have to, rather than wondering and being bitter that theres someone there that could help but choses not to.
That eats you alive."

@blubellsarebells this is poetry! Am sending this to a friend who is currently splitting from a useless, manipulative man child.

Claim the uc and maintenance for the kids you'll be better off.
Knowing you have to do it all is so much easier than expecting help and not getting it and doing it all anyway.
You're not unreasonable to expect him to parent his own children but if he wont you might as well carry on without him.

You're entitled to universal credit as a doctor with a full time working husband? ok then.

@BlancheW That is crazy for a young Doctor.
Thanks for the work you do professionally it is a pity you didn't get his support at home.
It was probably learned behaviours from childhood, was he willing to change or compromise?

You are better off without him. He doesn't sound very nice. I suspect he will turn out one of those men who don't understand why their adult children always want to spend christmas anywhere but at his house - not understanding that what you put in you get out in relationships.

I wouldn't worry too much about your next relationship right now. work on thinking about what you like/value/want in life. Then see how any relationship fits into that.

Dh is probably "alpha male" I suppose. take-charge, highly intelligent, eldest of his family, natural leader. He is a very high earner too. Thing is he doesn't think those things about himself. He wants to be seen as kind, gentle, helpful - and yes intelligent. He chose his career because he wants to contribute. We were in it together when the kids were babies/toddlers/driving us crazy/teens and we are in it together now.

Until recently we only had a joint account between us so you’re right saying you pay to go to work is false. I said it to illustrate that I earn less per month than we pay our nanny.

Lots of successful charismatic men are also perfectly capable.of.loving and supporting their partners. Yours is just a dick
.

You're entitled to universal credit as a doctor with a full time working husband? hmm ok then.
No, not at all. I mean when the divorce comes through and he moves out. According to the calculator. That includes his child maintenance payment to me.

That is crazy for a young Doctor.
Young in the career sense but not in the age sense, unfortunately!

Interesting thread. I grew up on a council estate, where I had my fair experience of genuinely 'alpha' males (as in, if you step on my toes or on my turf, I will hurt you alpha) who never did a stitch to help a woman in any way that didn't enhance their own image in some way. So the man that you describe as alpha - high earning, charismatic, highly educated, witty, erudite men with extensive leadership experience - men like my husband and my friends, are not what I consider 'alpha' males, unless there is some other awful behaviour that justifies the term. For me, that description is a derogatory term I would use towards men that have not learned any better then to use tribal leadership tactics to gain popularity. In short - a successful, well adjusted man does his bit at home, doesn't disrespect his partner, nor present himself to the world like a rabid he-wolf and so should not earn the description of an 'alpha' male.

Maybe I have been using the wrong term. It was just a lazy catch all for the characteristics I have described. Maybe there’s a better word!

workhomesleeprepeat
I hope it can help someone, im not a poet, im actually quite pissed right now haha.
But I've been a single parent for 10 years and its harder living with a loser than doing it alone.
Its not been easy but ive built a nice life for myself and my son and all that energy i used to spend being disappointed and angry i now get to spend being good at my job, doing things with my son and being proud of myself.

I’m a doctor and we pay our nanny more than I earn

You are either vastly underpaid or the nanny is vastly overpaid.

Both options= you’re not an alpha female because you are undervaluing yourself to work for so little or to value the nanny more than yourself.

Alpha males only respect alpha females.

Once you realise there's no such thing as 'alpha' 'beta' nonsense you're on the road to finding sexist gits very unattractive. You're not even divorced yet, don't worry about whom you'll next be attracted to . Instead focus on liberating yourself from a chauvinist and what you can do to improve your radar and boundaries so you don't even get beyond the first few coffees with yet another person who thinks lifework is women's work. Pulling your weight in life and being a decent parent is not 'helping', it's being a mature adult.

@PlanDeRaccordement surely the issue here is that the whole 'alpha' description is utter bullshit and just one more tool of mysogeny - 'I am successful and ALPHA therefore I am far to important to be embroiled in mundane shit like childcare and housekeeping'?

Sounds like a good thing you’re divorcing him.
Where do the children come in? You keep saying he doesn’t care enough about me to do x y z. Which is absolutely true. But he also doesn’t give a shit about his own children if he isn’t going to feed them look after them change nappies put them in clean clothes. Which is an instant deal breaker. He is absolutely arrogant by the way.

@BlancheW

Many of my friends husbands do little around the home too so it’s difficult to gauge what’s normal.

OP no that's not normal.

Good for you for coming to the conclusion and getting rid, but you need to recalibrate your expectations.

It's not normal at all. Two working parents mean that all the household jobs, cleaning, cooking, laundry, kids, pick ups and drop offs, are split equally.

You shouldn't be grateful that he "does the bins" and the odd bath. Come on.

It matters not that he thinks he has "the big job". Fuck that!

But you realise this, and well done you.

My ex was brilliant at home, cooked, cleaned I'd say he did 80% of housework. We were young and I didn't care about the state of the house back then. It was his house so when I moved in he already had his routine. I left him eventually as we weren't a good fit on intellectual level and in terms of views on life. My DH now whom I adore doesn't really care about the house or cleanliness so is more forced into doing things for me. I don't like it but don't think I can change him. Planning on hiring a cleaner as investment in our otherwise very happy marriage.

I’m not an alpha female, this is true.

I’m an NHS doctor and we have strict pay scales. I can’t negotiate more.

Interesting that you say that alpha males only respect alpha females. Thinking about it I think you’re right. DH has a huge amount of respect for his alpha sister. He compares us a lot. She has a high powered job, is a mother, works out and keeps a very clean/tidy house. He has been known to compare us regarding domesticity. However she can afford a lot more help.

@BlancheW

I’m not an alpha female, this is true.

I’m an NHS doctor and we have strict pay scales. I can’t negotiate more.

Interesting that you say that alpha males only respect alpha females. Thinking about it I think you’re right. DH has a huge amount of respect for his alpha sister. He compares us a lot. She has a high powered job, is a mother, works out and keeps a very clean/tidy house. He has been known to compare us regarding domesticity. However she can afford a lot more help.

There's nothing 'alpha' about this guy. He's a sexist who believes lifework is women's work, including the work it takes to outsource it. People like this are entitled chauvinists and they look for enablers who consider donkey work in life 'help'. Just get over that claptrap about alpha and beta, it's utter rubbish. He doesn't respect women who don't enable him to do FA towards being a fully-functioning adult and father. What is attractive about a person who sees you as basically a domestic appliance with holes? He has no respect for even his own kids and spouse, what a creep!

He withdrew and disengaged with family life for a number of months but now we’re divorcing he has gone into overdrive with the ‘fun Dad’ ‘joking Dad’ interactions.
However, he won’t stay at the table until we have all finished eating. When he’s finished his food he leaves the table.

He's Disney Dad. That's what he'll always be. It will be hard but one day, his kids will learn the measure of him on their own.

You have all helped me a lot. I was having a wobble and doubts (see my other thread from today) but reminding myself of these things makes it easier yo come to terms with.

When I had to work weekends before Covid he was great with the kids. The house was a state, obviously, but he coped well with them.