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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/07/2020 20:23

Take the job OP!

DaanSaaf · 20/07/2020 20:25

Absolutely take the job

Glittertwins · 20/07/2020 20:25

Take the new role

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/07/2020 20:25

Your DH is being an arse. If it’s the case that you aren’t actually around less and/or doing less than your fair share of house and kid stuff, then he clearly just doesn’t want you to be promoted.

My ex didn’t want me to get promoted; I think he was of the opinion that it wasn’t a good thing for him if I had a greater degree of financial independence.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/07/2020 20:25

Would you previous role be replaced? Is it bad now because you are essentially covering two roles? Would the extra money mean you could cover a cleaner and so your down time would be yours?

It doesn’t sound like the hours are that bad, so I think your husband is being unfair.

TheCanyon · 20/07/2020 20:25

Go for it. His reasons not to are utter bullshit.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/07/2020 20:25

Take the job and reconsider the DH.

LockdownLump · 20/07/2020 20:25

I don't think it's fair of him to make demands like that at all.

Sounds like he is jealous to me.

YeahWhatevver · 20/07/2020 20:25

Tell him to stop focusing on the negatives and see the positives.

Then tell him to stop being childish and take the job

Gillian1980 · 20/07/2020 20:26

It doesn’t sound like you’re less available from what you’ve said. Would it be worse when you stop wfh and work at the office?

Will it mean you earning more than him? Perhaps he feels threatened by you being the higher earner?

I think if you can manage without it having a huge impact on your free time together then you should degrade it. Does he know how upset and resentful you’ll be if you miss the opportunity?

bh2210 · 20/07/2020 20:26

Take the job. End of.

How would he feel if you stood in the way of his career?!

Good luck!

TokyoSushi · 20/07/2020 20:27

Absolutely 100% take the job, it's pretty controlling of your DH to tell you otherwise!

Soubriquet · 20/07/2020 20:27

Take the damn job

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 20/07/2020 20:27

we are all behind you op

excuseforfights · 20/07/2020 20:28

If you ever split, you will regret not progressing your career because of a man. Take the role, OP!

jammyjoey · 20/07/2020 20:28

I would take it, I would want to know if they're going to fill the vacant roles too though

ERest · 20/07/2020 20:28

Definitely take the role. We need the people in our lives to motivate us to do better, not less!

AnnieCartwright · 20/07/2020 20:29

Take the job and review in 12 months maybe as a compromise?

RedRumTheHorse · 20/07/2020 20:29

Take the job and employ a cleaner (or gardener or whoever)

Then he can't have an issue with you not being there to do household tasks you can outsource.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2020 20:29

@excuseforfights

If you ever split, you will regret not progressing your career because of a man. Take the role, OP!
Yup
Highfalutinlootin · 20/07/2020 20:30

Take the job and get a new husband who isn't a misogynistic baby. Ok that's harsh but seriously, how dare your DH hold you back because he can't perform home duties and cope. He needs to get a grip.

mbosnz · 20/07/2020 20:30

Would he expect you to support him in career progression and make it work? If so, what's his reasoning for him not to give you and your life and career the same respect?

TheFlis12345 · 20/07/2020 20:30

Take the job, use some of the pay rise to get a cleaner if housework is the issue.

lanthanum · 20/07/2020 20:31

You need to have a good rational discussion with DH about the pros and cons of taking the job, preferably at a time when you can both be reasonably relaxed about it.

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis. Will they be employing someone new to fill your old job and the person who left? (If so, presumably that might make a big difference, and might allay your DH's fears.

RandomMess · 20/07/2020 20:32

I can't actually see that he has a valid point of view from what you have written.

What is he actually complaining about?

Is he doing more parenting/housework than before, is he doing more than you?

It does sound like he feels threatened more than anything else.