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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
Magicismagic · 20/07/2020 20:32

💯 guarantee he wouldn’t turn it down if a similar deal was offered to him.

RandomMess · 20/07/2020 20:32

I can't actually see that he has a valid point of view from what you have written.

What is he actually complaining about?

Is he doing more parenting/housework than before, is he doing more than you?

It does sound like he feels threatened more than anything else.

Indoorcamping · 20/07/2020 20:32

Take the job!

pussycatinboots · 20/07/2020 20:32

Congratulations on your new job
🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾

Don't you dare turn it down!

Chloemol · 20/07/2020 20:33

Take the job, get a cleaner if you need to. Things change all the time, he needs to remember that.

Charleyhorses · 20/07/2020 20:33

I would say
"I was telling you about my new job. Not asking for your permission."

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 20/07/2020 20:33

Take the job. And point out to your husband to suggest otherwise is him holding You back

user67864 · 20/07/2020 20:33

I thought you were going to say you worked till the late evening like 9/10pm. 4.45pm!! Is a very reasonable time to finish. I agree take the job OP and congratulations.

HavelockVetinari · 20/07/2020 20:33

Take the job!! A lot of men hate it when their spouse earns more or has significantly more responsibility, it makes them feel inadequate.

Quash his arguments re: housework by getting a cleaner. Take the job!

squiglet111 · 20/07/2020 20:33

Take the job! This is your future, your career, your pension. Why scrafice it as your DH wants an easier life....nope nope nope!

You are covering 3 rolls at the moment but shouldn't that be reduced to just 1 roll once things are back to normal? That may help the situation.

KitKatKit · 20/07/2020 20:34

Take the damn job!!

dappledsunshine · 20/07/2020 20:34

Take the job op, you've worked for it, you deserve it & you may not get another opportunity like this if you turn it down.

dappledsunshine · 20/07/2020 20:35

Take the job op, you've worked for it, you deserve it & you may not get another opportunity like this if you turn it down.

SauvignonBlanche · 20/07/2020 20:35

Take the job and get a cleaner.

CoffeeQueenMum · 20/07/2020 20:36

Ask yourself if you would ever hold back your DH like he's asking you to. Thought not.

He's a real piece of shit for putting you in this position, controlling in the extreme. Your new role sounds like an amazing opportunity and plenty of time to balance work/ home commitments. How would he cope if you ever had a stressful high pressure long hours role?! Why does he want to hold you down?

IdblowJonSnow · 20/07/2020 20:37

Take the job.
No conversations/annual reviews etc. as some PPs have suggested. When did he consult you about what work or hours he would do?
You could always make up some story that your old job is no longer available if you want an easier life.
But you shouldn't have to if course. It's not right that he's asked this of you. He is not looking out for your best interests here which sounds very selfish.

Original poster
Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:37

Thank you for all the support. I appreciate every comment.

In answer to some of the questions:
One of the two vacant roles will be filled (have already challenged this) and now things are getting back to whatever a new normal is its been agreed 1 can be filled.

Housework wise, I already feel I do more, but that's because I just get on with bits. Generally I do the washing (loading, hanging out and putting away) empty/fill the dishwasher, sort the pets out, household/bills admin, change the beds, food shop, school drop off and half of the pick ups.

Dh does cook more than me, although I tidy up. He will also hoover and dust.

OP posts:
SeasickPenguin · 20/07/2020 20:37

He wants you dependant upon him by the sound of it.

For what reason, I wouldn't like to guess. Professional jealousy, chauvinism, wants a maid or whatever.

What I do know is that some men like their partner dependant so they can get away with bad behaviour under the banner of "ha, she can't afford to leave me..lol"

Take the job and let him learn to live with it or fuck off.

wifflewafflebiscuit · 20/07/2020 20:38

Take the job, there's no sensible reason not to.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/07/2020 20:39

Take the job!! Your Career! and also what will it look like at work if you don't take it. Its more money for heavens sake.

Dozer · 20/07/2020 20:39

Take the job. Sounds like your DH doesn’t do his fair share of domestic work!

IdblowJonSnow · 20/07/2020 20:39

If he genuinely pulls his weight with house stuff and kids, just get a cleaner?

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 20/07/2020 20:40

@lanthanum

You need to have a good rational discussion with DH about the pros and cons of taking the job, preferably at a time when you can both be reasonably relaxed about it.

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis. Will they be employing someone new to fill your old job and the person who left? (If so, presumably that might make a big difference, and might allay your DH's fears.

Absolutely do NOT tell your manager that your husband is wary of you doing this new job. Just don’t. Take this promotion, and the next...
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/07/2020 20:40

sorry that sounded a bit forceful. I just meant that you were enjoying it and getting paid more, so why not?

Lockdowners · 20/07/2020 20:40

If this was reversed and I’m you were complaining that your husband was taking a job that meant he wasn’t able to pull his weight at home would the answers be the same? I don’t think so.

Speak to your husband and tell him you can’t afford to turn the opportunity down but you get where he is coming from and ask if there are areas that you can compromise on. Offer to use the extra money to pay for a cleaner/housekeeer.