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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 20/07/2020 20:47

Take the job, get a cleaner. Assuming you are reasonably well paid, with prospects to earn more, don't turn a job down to do more housework

CeibaTree · 20/07/2020 20:47

Surely if you are offered the new job on a more permanent basis you won't be expected to do your old role too anymore, so aside from anything else, your DH's concerns are not actually valid.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2020 20:48

Turn it around on him and say he should be the one to work less hours. I doubt he would agree to that. Take the job, hire a cleaner, and don't you dare apologise for it. I would be telling him you're taking the job and the discussion about it is over.

Pinkyyy · 20/07/2020 20:48

Does it pay more than his job? If so, then that will be why.

bushby · 20/07/2020 20:48

Take the job.

Get a cleaner, gardener, ironing lady or whatever you need so free time is quality time.

MiniCooperLover · 20/07/2020 20:48

You have to take it, your DH is being ridiculous! He doesn't want you to be independent and doesn't seem
Happy about having to do his equal share.

MulticolourMophead · 20/07/2020 20:48

@Lockdowners

If this was reversed and I’m you were complaining that your husband was taking a job that meant he wasn’t able to pull his weight at home would the answers be the same? I don’t think so.

Speak to your husband and tell him you can’t afford to turn the opportunity down but you get where he is coming from and ask if there are areas that you can compromise on. Offer to use the extra money to pay for a cleaner/housekeeer.

Where does it say the OP won't be pulling her weight at home?

She's already been working in the role as the maternity cover, yet her posts indicate she's still doing more of the household chores.

OP, take the role, get a cleaner if necessary.

Parker231 · 20/07/2020 20:49

@lanthanum - why would you mention your DH’s concerns at your work regarding your job?

gamerchick · 20/07/2020 20:49

If this was reversed and I’m you were complaining that your husband was taking a job that meant he wasn’t able to pull his weight at home would the answers be the same? I don’t think so

I think they would be. Get a cleaner would be the answer based on the OPs posts.

Brefugee · 20/07/2020 20:49

Take the job. Tell him to stop working shifts... Don't tell your boss your husband is wary, whatever you do.

Go halves with DH on a cleaner. And congrats on the promotion!

Viviennemary · 20/07/2020 20:50

Take the job and get some help with cleaning, gardening or whatever is needed.

HeartGirls · 20/07/2020 20:50

Why should the woman always have to let her career slide. If you were the husband your wife would be expecting to help you further yourself and help pick up the slack at home. Never seems to work both ways

HeartGirls · 20/07/2020 20:51

Why should the woman always have to let her career slide. If you were the husband your wife would be expecting to help you further yourself and help pick up the slack at home. Never seems to work both ways

Fosler · 20/07/2020 20:51

Definitely take the job. Congratulations.

Coldspringharbour · 20/07/2020 20:51

Congratulations 🥳 you’ve obviously done a great job. Your husband should encourage you and be proud of your achievements. That’s being part of a team. I’m sorry he’s not being supportive.

HeartGirls · 20/07/2020 20:51

Why should the woman always have to let her career slide. If you were the husband your wife would be expecting to help you further yourself and help pick up the slack at home. Never seems to work both ways

Fosler · 20/07/2020 20:51

Definitely take the job. Congratulations.

missymousey · 20/07/2020 20:52

You'll resent him forever if you don't take it. Pat yourself on the back and enjoy the challenge. Congratulations OP!

CannibalPanda · 20/07/2020 20:52

Another one wondering if you will now be out-earning him, or in a more senior position. Sounds like he is threatened by the prospect of a more professionally successful wife.

Take the job.

GurlwiththeCurl · 20/07/2020 20:54

Another thing to bear in mind is this: my DH became disabled in his 40s and had to stop working. If I hadn’t been capable of earning enough to support our family (two young DCs), we would have been in serious trouble. As it was, I became the only breadwinner and I continued to be until I retired. DH was supportive throughout.

So, please take the job. You never know what is going to happen in the future.

Butterflyonmyshoulder · 20/07/2020 20:55

The poll speaks for its self. Well done to you.

RedOasis · 20/07/2020 20:57

Will
You be earning more than dh? This might be why he really
Doesn’t want you to take it

Brefugee · 20/07/2020 20:57

If this was reversed and I’m you were complaining that your husband was taking a job that meant he wasn’t able to pull his weight at home would the answers be the same? I don’t think so.

utter bollocks since the OP outlined what she does which looks like more than half.

WhatRhymesWithTerf · 20/07/2020 20:58

Well, handily the op here is pulling her weight and will continue to do so. Whereas the husband isn't so much. But don't let the facts get in the way of your "you're all man-haters" shite.

I think the replies would be a little different if it were the other round but not in the way the person you replied to thinks.

If a woman was complaining about her husband getting promotion and it meaning she has to now do a fair share of housework after leaving the lions share to him, she'd be told to step up and do her share.

Paying another woman to clean so this husband doesn't have to step up a little wouldn't make up for his unsupportive attitude for me.

IAintentDead · 20/07/2020 20:58

@Lockdowners

If this was reversed and I’m you were complaining that your husband was taking a job that meant he wasn’t able to pull his weight at home would the answers be the same? I don’t think so.

Speak to your husband and tell him you can’t afford to turn the opportunity down but you get where he is coming from and ask if there are areas that you can compromise on. Offer to use the extra money to pay for a cleaner/housekeeer.

From where did you get that she is not pulling her weight at home - in fact she is at home more and still does more than half the 'home'work.

Congratulations on the new job. Using some of the money to pay for a bit of extra help at home wouldn't go amiss though. For your own benefit.