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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 20/07/2020 20:59

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis.

Don't do this. Just don't.

Take the job. He sounds threatened. It's not like you do nothing at home. he's being an idiot with the 'I'll never see you." He will, once you get in from work, etc. Don't pass on a job for him, there will be resentment on your part, and he'll know he can successfully make these kinds of demands in the marriage. It's not good.

Commentutappelles · 20/07/2020 21:01

Take the job!!!

waytheleaveswork · 20/07/2020 21:01

Take the job.

Discuss the share of the housework/ getting a cleaner

You can always reconsider the decision in 6 months

Odd reaction from your DH

Vodkacranberryplease · 20/07/2020 21:03

This forum is full of women in real trouble because they are splitting from partners and have no career or money, their partners see the money they earn as theirs, not as joint money.

You just can't fucking win. They want you home doing wifework but if it goes tits up they want you to have no money.

LesLavandes · 20/07/2020 21:03

Take the job and employ a cleaner and someone to do all the ironing. That will make a big difference.

BurtsBeesKnees · 20/07/2020 21:05

Take the job if that's what YOU want to do. This is your career and will benefit you and your family, financially, as well as you being happy and fulfilled in your job.

Sounds like your dh likes the status quo, I'm not even sure what the issue is as your hours sound sensible and not at all excessive

Maybe, as other pp have said, have a proper talk and suggest a cleaner

wildone84 · 20/07/2020 21:06

Take the job.

longtimecomin · 20/07/2020 21:06

Take the job!!! I'm excited for you😁

amusedbush · 20/07/2020 21:06

It sounds like he is jealous that your career is progressing. Based on what you’ve said here, your hours are very reasonable and you are doing plenty around the house.

Take the job and tell him to piss off with his grumbling.

ScrapThatThen · 20/07/2020 21:06

Don't be a facilitating wife, you are his equal. And just because you go back to old job doesn't mean no stress or no extra hours. Well done you you have really made an impact at work.

lightyearsahead · 20/07/2020 21:08

Take the job

Queenoftheashes · 20/07/2020 21:08

@MinesAPintOfTea

Take the job, get a cleaner. Assuming you are reasonably well paid, with prospects to earn more, don't turn a job down to do more housework
So well put
SeaOtterFluff · 20/07/2020 21:08

Opportunities like this don't come along very often. You have worked hard to earn this promotion, you deserve it. It's got to be worth a try and your DH needs to think about how he can support you rather than putting obstacles in the way. Good luck!

lottiegarbanzo · 20/07/2020 21:09

You need to ask him what his real reasons are.

It sounds like you can't afford not to take it, careerwise. Have work even guaranteed that you could have your old job back? How do you know they mightn't recruit someone else into that one remaining role and make your old role redundant?

He can still view himself as the steady breadwinner if he likes. You just happen to earn more than him at the moment.

TheOriginalMrsMoss · 20/07/2020 21:09

Take the job and get a cleaner.

You will be doing a job you enjoy and no more cleaning. Win Win!

If your husband wants to see more of you he can meet you after work for drinks/dinner/cinema/theatre. Your lives would be so much better.

Sally2791 · 20/07/2020 21:10

He’s jealous and insecure. Go for the job!!

RedRumTheHorse · 20/07/2020 21:12

If this was reversed and I’m you were complaining that your husband was taking a job that meant he wasn’t able to pull his weight at home would the answers be the same? I don’t think so.

How many women would stop their partner from earning more money?

VettiyaIruken · 20/07/2020 21:13

So really, he doesn't like the fact he is going to have to pull his weight at home?
Take the job.

barefootmalbec · 20/07/2020 21:13

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis.

Do NOT do this. Just don't.

Take the job. I say this as someone who gave up a good career to support a man, and massively regretted it when the relationship ended.

lockdownalli · 20/07/2020 21:14

Please take the job.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/07/2020 21:16

Take the job. You are amazing. He should be so proud of you.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/07/2020 21:16

And yes to 'don't turn it down to do more housework'!

A useful mental exercise when thinking about jobs (and other situations) is to think, 'if I was already in that new job, would I walk away from it, to do what I'm doing now?'. The answer is almost always no.

The reasons for caution about going for a new role are almost always some form of fear of change and comfort in familiarity, however imperfect, inconvenient and complacency-inducing that familiar state of affairs might be.

monkeyonthetable · 20/07/2020 21:17

Take the job and discuss with him how you can fairly share out the workload of home life. Also discuss with him ways you can ensure you aren't both too tired to enjoy each other's company. Plan for some fun things to do each weekend together. He'll get used to it. Make it very clear that if you turn it down you could feel resentful and he might end up stressed at having to shoulder more of the costs of running the home. Also point out that women traditionally have crapper pensions than men because they don't get the chance of promotion and that you don't want this to happen to you.

SlinkyStairs · 20/07/2020 21:17

I think you should take the job. But dont dismiss the hb reasons as nonsense as has been suggested above, thats not a healthy relationship. He clearly wants to see you more and thats surely a positive. Discuss the matter and work out how to retain a good work life balance.

cravingthelook · 20/07/2020 21:18

From experience... take the job and outsource another task.