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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:

back2good · 20/07/2020 20:40

Take the job and hire a cleaner to do a half day a week to do they heavy cleaning.

Congratulations on your job offer.

Your DH is being an arse. Take the job.

cansu · 20/07/2020 20:40

It sounds like he sees you the same amount as he always did so what he really means is that he dislikes the idea of you having a job that is important to you. He dislikes the idea that you will prioritise your job over housework and that he may be expected to do more. When you look at it like this, it seems more and more like he is being an arse.

HarperLight · 20/07/2020 20:40

Will the permanent new job mean you earn more than him?

I was offered a promotion and my husband had every excuse for me not to take it as it would mean I over took him salary wise and he didn't want that.. it didn't come from a bad/ controlling place though.. he just felt it was his job to be the breadwinner and his pride was a little hurt.. but now he's all for it and really supportive of new opportunities.

Take the job, talk to him and I'm sure he'll come round

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/07/2020 20:41

Congrats on the new job-there are literally no reasons to not take it

Mmmmycorona · 20/07/2020 20:41

Take the job!

RandomMess · 20/07/2020 20:41

So you are still doing the lions share. I would have a chat with him about "equal leisure time" and how he already gets more than you do new job or not he needs to pitch in more and then you will both be free together in the evenings...

notforonesecond · 20/07/2020 20:41

Take the job. He’ll either get over himself and it’ll all be fine or this is just the tip of the iceberg of him being a ridiculous twat - in which case you’ll be glad you took the job when you bin him off.

It’s a win/win.

wifflewafflebiscuit · 20/07/2020 20:42

Forgot to say, if payrise covers it, get a cleaner. Best thing I ever did, reduces the aggro regarding housework to a much more bearable level.

Smashtastic · 20/07/2020 20:42

Take the job op!

MrsMozartMkII · 20/07/2020 20:43

Take the job lass!

He should be pleased for you.

SummerSazz · 20/07/2020 20:43

Assuming one of the roles is back filled (get that in writing) and the other role is filled when things go back to normal/workload requires it, then go for it. Don't let your Employers take the piss though. As for your DH, you know the answer.

Staplemaple · 20/07/2020 20:44

I'm sure if he was offered a job he wanted he would take it and just expect you to adapt. Absolutely take it, it might take a bit of time until you find your new normal in terms of division of chores etc, but that's what you do in a partnership. It isn't like you have announced you will be away from home for months at a time, and I'm sure he will help you enjoy the extra money. I would enquire with work though about the other job being filled.

SummerSazz · 20/07/2020 20:44

Staplemaple · 20/07/2020 20:44

That's good he managed to get over his ego and outdated view on a man's role.

DragonflyInn · 20/07/2020 20:44

Congratulations on your promotion op! Sounds really well deserved and you should be celebrating your achievement, not feeling conflicted because your DH is against it.

The suggestions above about a cleaner are good. Try and talk to your DH again and see if he can be more constructive in what his concerns are and how they could be addressed (without you not taking the role!).

pregnancydiet · 20/07/2020 20:45

Take the job and get a cleaner.

Quarantimespringclean · 20/07/2020 20:45

Do not talk about your DH to your boss. That’s not professional.

I agree with the people saying take the job and get a cleaner. Don’t hold yourself back in your career for an unsupportive husband.

Interestedwoman · 20/07/2020 20:45

YANBU, it's your life. xxx What you describe doesn't even sound that extreme in terms of the impact on family life.

Are you more successful than him? Maybe he feels threatened. (It's still not ok.)

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 20/07/2020 20:46

I really feel like telling your dh to fuck off for you. He is acting like a spoiled child.
Take your promotion OP. He sounds jealous. By any chance will you be earning quite a bit more than him now?

Treacletoots · 20/07/2020 20:46

Take the job, LTB. What a controlling dick. Tell him to go back to the 1950s where this bullshit belongs.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 20/07/2020 20:46

He’s being ridiculous and you’d be insane to turn this down. You’re not working crazy long days by any measure so surely even if you did step back you’d be putting in pretty much the same hours? Ok so you sometimes have to do a bit in the evenings but that’s not terribly unusual and like you said - it came with a substantial pay rise!

I can’t help wondering if you usually pick up more of the child care/home stuff and he’s looking ahead to how that might impact him when/if you return to the office?

Fluffycloudland77 · 20/07/2020 20:46

Take it. It would be madness not to.

user1294625849274 · 20/07/2020 20:47

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis.

It's not 1950. Don't be bloody ridiculous.

If this was reversed and I’m you were complaining that your husband was taking a job that meant he wasn’t able to pull his weight at home would the answers be the same? I don’t think so.

Well, handily the op here is pulling her weight and will continue to do so. Whereas the husband isn't so much. But don't let the facts get in the way of your "you're all man-haters" shite.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 20/07/2020 20:47

Hmm, will you be earning more then him by any chance?

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