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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 21/07/2020 19:40

it is not fair for the OP to expect her DH to do them after a long shift or during his weekend relaxation time.

Why wouldn't she expect him to pull his weight? She works hard too. Is it simply because she has a vagina so the housework is her de facto responsibility even though she'd rather work?

She could easily speak to her manager and say “look, I’m interested in the role but DH and I are worried that I won’t have time to do the ironing/ washing up/ cooking. Would it be possible to say come in at 10 am having done a load of washing and leave early some evenings (and do work later) so I can get home to make dinner for DH.”

Oh yeah that'd really single her out as a committed professional Hmm

Why can't her DH have that conversation? Why does the woman have to automatically sacrifice her career? I'm always a bit saddened by women who cannot recognise their own internalised misogyny and make posts like this thinking they're 'normal'.

Veterinari · 21/07/2020 19:42

Also @PeachandPineapple if you think a 'long shift' is 7 hours of sporadic reactive work with one week off every 6, you must have a very cushy job.

Pikachubaby · 21/07/2020 19:44

No MAN in the world has ever had that conversation....

Idiotic suggestion

OO you did so well to be offered this job

In your shoes I’d ask DH to both give it a chance to see if you can make it work,and re-evaluate again in 6 months

fantasmasgoria1 · 21/07/2020 19:44

Would her husband approach his boss about his housework and cooking responsibilities? His wife deserves rest and relaxation after working hard all day too. Where's the partnership? Op should take the job and think about her advancement and not just put her husbands career before her own. They should sit down and look at everything that needs to be done and come up with a way to make it all work!

MulticolourMophead · 21/07/2020 19:52

it is not fair for the OP to expect her DH to do them after a long shift or during his weekend relaxation time.

If his 7 hours is a long shift, then I must be doing megashifts at 8.5 hours. which isn't that long, really.

And if the DH shouldn't do chores during his weekend relaxation time, then OP shouldn't either.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 20:05

Cooking and cleaning are tasks that have to be done by someone- it is not fair for the OP to expect her DH to do them after a long shift or during his weekend relaxation time.

Why not? Does his cock fall off and needs to hold it with both hands after a 7 hour shift?

She could easily speak to her manager and say “look, I’m interested in the role but DH and I are worried that I won’t have time to do the ironing/ washing up/ cooking. Would it be possible to say come in at 10 am having done a load of washing and leave early some evenings (and do work later) so I can get home to make dinner for DH.”

She could, but not if she wants to
Ever have a chance at promotion or be taken seriously ever again in her field.

pointythings · 21/07/2020 20:18

Dear TropicalFruits, what have you been smoking? Come on, cards on the table here - do you really believe it's on the OP to do the housework evenings and weekends so that Her Lord And Master can relax after his Incredibly Long Seven Hour Shifts? How much housework should he do on weekends? Half? None?

Shizzlestix · 21/07/2020 20:22

She could easily speak to her manager and say “look, I’m interested in the role but DH and I are worried that I won’t have time to do the ironing/ washing up/ cooking. Would it be possible to say come in at 10 am having done a load of washing and leave early some evenings (and do work later) so I can get home to make dinner for DH.”

Truly hilarious, or absolutely fucking horrific, depending on whether this post is taken seriously.

Queenoftheashes · 21/07/2020 20:29

Fuck me I think @PeachandPineapple might be married to Jiggle-it Geoff off Corrie

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/07/2020 20:44

PeachandPineapple if OP works longer hours than her DH, where do you stand then? Does he have to do the ironing, cooking and cleaning and have dinner in the table because OP's long shifts mean she is too tired? If not, why not?

3rdNamechange · 21/07/2020 20:56

@peachandpineapple I do 12.5 hour shifts and housework. I'm a heroine.

3rdNamechange · 21/07/2020 20:56

@peachandpineapple I do 12.5 hour shifts and housework. I'm a heroine.

RB68 · 21/07/2020 21:26

This is nothing to do with housework and everything to do with a green eyed monster who thinks she is "getting ahead" and he is standing in her way.. There is little discernable difference in her hours - things will improve as in post permanently she can recruit to her old role and the space in the team,

By all means divvy up tasks and be clear who is doing what and earmark time for the relationship (Really!) but fundamentally he is out of order, its your decision UNBLESS it significantly impacts on the relationship and it really doeesn't

Chocoholic12 · 21/07/2020 23:47

Take the job!d selfish husband.

Weenurse · 21/07/2020 23:59

From family perspective, make sure family time is prioritised each week.
My DC did not get a lot of time with me, but I always attended their sporting events and big events in their lives.
They got to see an independent DM who was supported by their DD, in a job she loves.
Both are very motivated young women who see their parents share the cleaning on the weekends of parents part of the house. DD do their own cleaning.😁

Cadent · 22/07/2020 06:07

Did OP ever return?

makingmammaries · 22/07/2020 08:07

I don’t know if OP will return.

Never mind: we got this gem:
She could easily speak to her manager and say “look, I’m interested in the role but DH and I are worried that I won’t have time to do the ironing/ washing up/ cooking. Would it be possible to say come in at 10 am having done a load of washing and leave early some evenings (and do work later) so I can get home to make dinner for DH.”

Can anyone actually say that with a straight face?

Cadent · 22/07/2020 08:09

@makingmammaries OMG I hope that one was sarcastic

Pobblebonk · 22/07/2020 08:33

@Cadent

Did OP ever return?
There''s a spiffy new system in place whereby it's incredibly easy to see an OP's posts. I had hoped it would stop comments like this one, obviously not.
Cadent · 22/07/2020 08:36

@Pobblebonk it was actually a prod for the OP to return so you can stop policing the thread now 🙄

makingmammaries · 22/07/2020 10:46

@Cadent, I can’t know because it wasn’t me who suggested it.

BumbleBeee69 · 24/07/2020 18:10

OP did you take the Job 🌺

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