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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
Choppedupapple · 21/07/2020 14:09

Take the job, get a cleaner, talk to DH about a fair division of responsibilities. Don’t just take everything on

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 14:17

WriteronaMission

According to the majority of posts on this thread though, your dh shouldn't have needed to discuss getting a job with you. He should have just done it and then told you what you needed to do to accommodate him.

Apparently that's how it works.

pointythings · 21/07/2020 14:21

My dh does way more than 50%. He does about 90% around the house and works six days a week. Does that mean he can just come and drop any work related bombshell into my lap and I just have to go along with it?

No, but it doesn't mean you get to veto it either. As I've said before, OP's husband is allowed to express an opinion, and ideally they would agree a way forward, but he doesn't get a veto.

Your DH's housework contribution isn't relevant, by the way. Data shows that on a population level, it is still the case that women do far more housework than men. As is the situation with OP.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 14:28

@pointythings

My dh does way more than 50%. He does about 90% around the house and works six days a week. Does that mean he can just come and drop any work related bombshell into my lap and I just have to go along with it?

No, but it doesn't mean you get to veto it either. As I've said before, OP's husband is allowed to express an opinion, and ideally they would agree a way forward, but he doesn't get a veto.

Your DH's housework contribution isn't relevant, by the way. Data shows that on a population level, it is still the case that women do far more housework than men. As is the situation with OP.

It's relevant on an individual level. What's being said on this thread is that it's fine for one spouse to make a unilateral decision, even when that impacts on the other spouse or the family as a whole.

So are you saying that it's only ok for women to make those decisions because in the majority of families women have traditionally done more of the housework?

And people aren't advocating op talking to her dh, they are telling her to just take it and then telling him to contribute to the cost of a cleaner if he doesn't like it. Nor have I seen op say he's trying to veto her decision, just that he's initially said that he's unhappy for a variety of reasons, none of which appear to have been discussed or resolved.

pointythings · 21/07/2020 14:32

No, I'm saying that in the OP's individual situation, where she already does more than the housework and where he works 7 hour shifts, some of which are quite laid back, it makes sense for her to take the job and for him to do a larger share of the housework. And he doesn't have to like it, but he can't veto it either because he has no valid reason for her to not take the job - his comfort zone doesn't count.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2020 14:36

It would not be reasonable for anyone to 'drop a bombshell'. OP is not 'dropping a bombshell'. She is proposing to continue what she's been doing, successfully and uneventfully, for the last six months, long-term.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/07/2020 14:41

I think most of us have advocated talking to him, finding out his reasons and discussing ways around any real problems. I have also advocated finding out precisely what he means by 'won't be happy about it' i.e. 'will feel sad', 'will feel angry', or 'will sulk and try to sabotage her'.

Annasgirl · 21/07/2020 14:45

Hi OP, I hope this thread has not been full of people shouting you down like Hearshooves.

Please take the job - what is your DH proposing as an alternative bearing in mind that you are already doing the job and getting well paid for it? Why should you let someone else now come in and do the job you are doing so well? Does he not think your career is important? Does he think that marriage somehow makes you less career driven?

There is no compromise here - you can do the job and have been doing it and you enjoy it. He needs to come on board for you - we all get the chance to shine at different times in our marriage, this is your time and he should support you.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 14:50

pointythings

Except, his concerns aren't just about housework. They're about time spent together (where op is still working in the evening despite being "at work" for shorter hours because of lockdown - so finishing work at home at ,5 and then needing to work in the evening will translate as what when she ordinarily wouldn't be getting home until 6pm and then having the DC to sort out at 6pm)?

Op listed some household chores, but not all, so no way of knowing who does the things not listed and also school arrangements weren't mentioned at all.

So, maybe he does have a valid reason for his concerns?

lottiegarbanzo

Yes, she's been doing the job at during lockdown whilst schools were closed. She doesn't know how being back in an office and needing to get back home because of childcare will work out nor how working until 6pm and then coming home and sorting out a child, dinner etc and then having to sit down and finish work will affect family life. At the moment she's at home, so no commute, and therefore stops at 5. DC at home so not getting home at 6pm after school day, needing dinner, homework whatever all while mum needs to still do work. It's been artificial during lockdown hasn't it?

Anyway, this is pointless. You all clearly think that it's fine to change a fundamental aspect of family life without discussion (obviously as long as it's the woman doing it) and the other partner must just accept it.

I'm glad my marriage doesn't work like that and I hope it all works out for op.

pointythings · 21/07/2020 15:14

I don't think anyone is saying OP should change a fundamental aspect of life without discussion - we are just not saying (as you are) that the man's voice should weigh heaviest in this.

Motoko · 21/07/2020 15:19

I wish OP would come back and join in the discussion. Some of the YABU people would be able to get clarification, and either change their minds, or be vindicated in what they're saying. Because at the moment, this conversation is going around in circles.

I think OP should take the job, but she should ask him specifically why he's against it, then demolish his reasons if they really are as flimsy as they sound.

I'd also like to know the answers about whether she'll have a more senior role/will be earning more than him, and also, if his "being unhappy" is a threat.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 15:25

@pointythings

I don't think anyone is saying OP should change a fundamental aspect of life without discussion - we are just not saying (as you are) that the man's voice should weigh heaviest in this.
And I've not said that at all, at any point.

All I've said is that as a couple it should be discussed and all views considered, rather than just telling op to go for it, he'll have to deal with it.

Soontobe60 · 21/07/2020 15:25

Take the job! Use some of the additional salary to get a cleaner / gardener or whatever else might make life easier for you all.

monkeymonkey2010 · 21/07/2020 15:37

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift
So he has an 'easier/more enjoyable' job then - but wants to deny you similar fulfillment?

He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks
What does he do with these weeks?

Sounds to me like he wants you 'at home' providing the 'smooth running' of all wife/mental work so he can just coast along enjoying himself without taking on any real responsibility.
He doesn't want to do the thinking involved in adapting to changes and he doesn't want to 'sacrifice' anything or even actually 'help out' more.

He wants to keep you behind him doing what benefits him.
Take the job, tell him he either supports you like you've been supporting him all this time or he can get lost.

MulticolourMophead · 21/07/2020 17:05

@lottiegarbanzo

It would not be reasonable for anyone to 'drop a bombshell'. OP is not 'dropping a bombshell'. She is proposing to continue what she's been doing, successfully and uneventfully, for the last six months, long-term.
This.

OP has been doing the work as maternity cover already, and has had reasonable hours so far.

One of the two vacant roles will be filled (have already challenged this) and now things are getting back to whatever a new normal is its been agreed 1 can be filled.

And given this^, it looks like some of the additional stress may soon be removed anyway, so the work will be easier.

It's an absolute no brainer for OP to take the role. I would not be surprised to find that the DH's objections are rooted in jealousy, and possibly that he'll need to do a greater share of chores. I'd doubt whether he'd manage to do 50% of the chores, even after an increase. Most men don't do as much as they think.

MulticolourMophead · 21/07/2020 17:11

Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Except, his concerns aren't just about housework. They're about time spent together (where op is still working in the evening despite being "at work" for shorter hours because of lockdown - so finishing work at home at ,5 and then needing to work in the evening will translate as what when she ordinarily wouldn't be getting home until 6pm and then having the DC to sort out at 6pm)?

Op listed some household chores, but not all, so no way of knowing who does the things not listed and also school arrangements weren't mentioned at all.

So, maybe he does have a valid reason for his concerns?

If the DH was concerned about time spent together, then why would he be on the phone at the same time as watching TV:

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone.

I get the impression that the OP isn't spending that much time on finishing bits in the evening.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 17:14

If the DH was concerned about time spent together, then why would he be on the phone at the same time as watching TV:

Maybe because she's online working? What's he meant to do, sit there looking expectantly at her while she works?

If he put his phone down would she not do work? Fair enough if that's the case.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/07/2020 17:15

Take the job, jesus, absolutely take the job, it sounds very much like the only reason you husband doesn't want you to take it is because he's worried about doing more household/parenting things. Asshole

MulticolourMophead · 21/07/2020 18:34

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

If the DH was concerned about time spent together, then why would he be on the phone at the same time as watching TV:

Maybe because she's online working? What's he meant to do, sit there looking expectantly at her while she works?

If he put his phone down would she not do work? Fair enough if that's the case.

Or maybe she's working because he's on the phone. That's the impression I got from reading the OP's posts.
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 18:38

Really? Op says this

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

The Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, clearly says op has had to log on to finish some bits off, not "since dh was watching TV and on his phone I thought I might as well do some extra work".

Shizzlestix · 21/07/2020 18:40

I think a good solution may be for the OP to discuss her housework responsibilities with her boss before she accepts the role. That way she can ascertain whether she could work more flexibly perhaps in order to fit in her cooking and cleaning duties.

Dying laughing at Peachandpineapple, how hilarious! Rather obvious wind up (I hope, or I’m seriously concerned that he/she has time warped in from 1950)

StripeyDeckchair · 21/07/2020 18:57

Take the job
You can obviously do it, and do it well
Your H is being selfish &, I suspect, is jealous - his job sounds boring. A while shift with nothing to do! Time must drag.

Do not let him hold you back - youd be setting terrible example for your child.

FizzingWhizzbee123 · 21/07/2020 19:15

You should absolutely take the job and he should be supporting you. None of his concerns are insurmountable problems.

The only time I’ve ever been reluctant about DH applying for a job was one which would have significant shift work, including overnight, and substantial travel. Pre-kids, I wouldn’t have minded, but with kids, I wanted him to be home most nights to at least tuck them in. I said it was essentially his decision and I’d support him either way but explained my preference to have him home a regular hours. He didn’t apply for the job.

PeachandPineapple · 21/07/2020 19:31

This reply has been deleted

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Parker231 · 21/07/2020 19:40

I think a good solution may be for the OP to discuss her housework responsibilities with her boss before she accepts the role. That way she can ascertain whether she could work more flexibly perhaps in order to fit in her cooking and cleaning duties.

This has made me laugh out aloud! Surely no one lives like this?