Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:
Staplemaple · 20/07/2020 11:53

I wouldn't say it's specific to men, but unless there was a medical or financial reason a partner couldnt drive, I'd be loathe to just ferry them around.

iswhois · 20/07/2020 11:53

I'm married to one and it is a huge pain.

MrsTWH · 20/07/2020 11:54

I agree YANBU in their case - but let’s not be sexist about it, it’s any grown adult who inconveniences others like your DS who are being unreasonable.

OleanderOllivander · 20/07/2020 11:54

It's absolutely not unreasonable not to learn to drive. It's unreasonable to take advantage of other people because you don't drive.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2020 11:55

I feel the same about any adult who can and chooses not to drive but then expects people to ferry them around. It's incredibly annoying.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/07/2020 11:56

If any adult can’t drive through choice rather than for medical reasons, etc, it’s up to them to get themselves from place to place without assuming other people will be prepared to drive them. It’s not a skill that men should acquire rather than women though - the “grown men” in your thread title makes it seem as if you think it’s somehow more expected that men drive rather than women?

FourEyesGood · 20/07/2020 11:58

This is not unique to men.

stellabelle · 20/07/2020 11:58

I fully agree. Not just men, but any able bodied person who simply chooses not to drive, is a pain.

thecatsthecats · 20/07/2020 11:58

It's absolutely not unreasonable not to learn to drive. It's unreasonable to take advantage of other people because you don't drive.

This.

I think YABU to have a go at him now at the age of 40 IF you have otherwise done ferrying around etc up until now. Enabling a dependency for years then turning around and saying you won't do it any more is akin to suddenly thwacking him with the rod you made for your own back years ago.

I personally don't have much energy to encourage other people to better themselves.

I've told my husband we aren't TTC until he's at least made one attempt at a driving test. The rest is up to him.

Calic0 · 20/07/2020 11:59

Speaking as a non driver - I think that I am perfectly within my rights to decide that I don’t want to learn but I am not then within my rights to expect lifts or be ferried around. Frankly, my anxiety around driving makes me a fucking liability on the road (yes, I have had lessons) and you’re all safer without me behind a wheel!

Solaran · 20/07/2020 12:00

I think it’s more that he’s expecting others to drive him around, than the fact he doesn’t drive per se.

I’m a grown adult and don’t drive out of choice - I live in zone 2 London, wouldn’t need to or want to drive anywhere, maybe a couple of times a year it would be useful - but then I just get public transport or a taxi.

Original poster
madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 12:02

No it's not unique to men, I didn't mean to sound sexist its just that I was specifically referring to my DS.
I have driven him about for years and years and I woke up this morning thinking I'm just not doing this any more.
i had to move house twice with zero help from him because he can't drive and I really did need help. There is NO reason why he can't learn to drive.
The first thing I did when I was pregnant with him at 21 was learn to drive because I knew our lives would be limited if I couldn't. I was not expecting to be still ferrying him about at 60.

OP posts:
MasterBruceBalloon · 20/07/2020 12:02

I'm a grown woman who doesn't drive. I can't afford the lessons, the car, the insurance or the general running of a car. And I don't need one for day to day. I also don't expect people to drive me places so...

Original poster
madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 12:05

Maybe I am being unreasonable but I have now said that's it. No more. I have to put my own health first.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 20/07/2020 12:06

He isn't being unreasonable to not drive. He is being totally unreasonable to expect everyone to cater to his every whim.

I learnt to drive relatively late (passed at 26). I walked and took the bus (or train) everywhere I could. Or cycled. Lifts were the last resort. Now I am happily the designated driver to make up for it (8 years on)

Bateshotel · 20/07/2020 12:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud · 20/07/2020 12:07

One of the reasons I couldn't stand living with my exh was because he refused to learn to drive ( and actually share any of the other chores) ... he then learned after I left him. But could only learn in an automatic....

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 20/07/2020 12:08

In your son's case, YANBU. He sounds lazy. Definitely stop enabling him, perhaps he'll sort himself out.

But, some people have legitimate reasons not to drive. DH & I don't drive. We can't afford to run a car, or pay for lessons. I'm medically unable to drive. DH has knackered knees & constant pain. Maybe, one day, he"ll pass his test, & we'll hire a car occasionally for holidays & such. Maybe not. In the meantime, we don't ask for help. We sort ourselves out. We get public transport, or pay for taxis, or offer petrol money if we ever need a lift anywhere.

IMO "grown men who can't drive" should probably be "my DS CBA to take his driving test". It does sound annoying though. Stop enabling him. (Support his wife instead.)

Chanjer · 20/07/2020 12:09

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh

4amWitchingHour · 20/07/2020 12:14

I insisted my husband learnt to drive before we had kids, as I didn't want to be the only one who would be available to ferry them around. He both wants to be a fully involved parent and move out of the city, so despite finding driving nerve wracking he's learnt - my due date was yesterday and his driving test is on 4th August (would have been sooner but cancelled due to lockdown), so he's cut it fine but did pretty well all in all :)

Not driving and expecting lifts as an adult is awful - your son has to live with his choices.

labyrinthloafer · 20/07/2020 12:16

Yanbu, but it is all adults I suppose. I don't drive, I hate it. I have my licence but I just hate it.

But I don't expect others to drive me.

fibeee · 20/07/2020 12:17

I agree OP. I was in a long term relationship with a non-driver who apparently didn’t need to learn as they “could walk everywhere”. I told myself never again!

PenCreed · 20/07/2020 12:17

@Chanjer

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh
Oh do fuck off. I know people who have bad eyesight that means they can't drive. I know people who have never been able to afford lessons. If you can't/don't drive, you make your choices about where you live and what you do accordingly. DH doesn't drive, so made his choices about where he lived before he met me based on public transport.

The OP's situation is that her DS doesn't drive and expects everyone else to be his taxi.

Sirzy · 20/07/2020 12:17

Nobody should be forced into driving. It’s much better actually for people to be sensible and know driving isn’t for them than to do it even if they may not be safe on the roads.

That said it isn’t unreasonable for anyone to say no to giving lifts either if it doesn’t fit with them

Bloops · 20/07/2020 12:17

Whilst it's not absolutely essential to drive but a good skill to have... he really needs to get his arse into gear and use public transport if he's not willing to get his license! I'm glad you've said no and put your foot down. He can't rely on others forever!