Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

Cycling is my preferred mode of transportation; I used to do a 42 km daily commute. Still I don’t think that anybody can deny that being able to drive is a very useful skill to have. It’s in your interest to learn. At some point in your life, you’ll invariably annoy people if you don’t. Even if you live in a big city with excellent public transportation. My friend in his thirties never bothered to drive, his wife is from Versailles, they have a one year old – it annoys her to no end. To his credit though he has tried a couple of times but for some reason he always gives up. Quite a few times it’s the cheaper and faster option. If you don’t want to own a car you can always use one of those car-sharing services I suppose.

Dependency is one of the main reasons we have so many elderly, unsafe drivers on the road. They can’t imagine a life without driving

I know. Which is why I’m really glad we’ve had the sense to think ahead. And to realise life without driving isn’t the end of the world. Although you’d never think so from some of the posts on this thread!

@Alex50

And looking on down minimal paid jobs, without these people working through the pandemic you wouldn’t have had your shopping delivered and would’ve had to carry it on the bus or the tube.

I worked throughout the pandemic and I don't drive OR live in a city with a tube :)

As for I hope everyone who doesn’t drive appreciate whenever they get a lift or want something picked up or delivered, help with moving or taking things to the tip. How much having a car costs, the effort gone into passing your test, driving sometimes in stressful situations.

Taxis, delivery services, removal firms and councils exist, and thus we are not reliant on the favours of those with personal cars.

It was a real eye opener to see how car dependent we are and how brainwashed we are.

The dependency is quite interesting. Me and a former colleague lived in buildings next to each other. Her car was going to a shop and she had to take annual leave cause she was unable to get to work the next day. It was either 30min walk, 15-20min cycle ride, £10 taxi and the busses went directly to the office every 20min. It was interesting to listen to her complain how she has to waste annual leave cause she couldn't get to work.

I do think having a car has it's benefits. Having a driver's license has it's benefits. But I also don't think it's such a huge deal. People whose lifestyle requires a car and a license should get one. Those who don't, they can still live satisfying life.

Why would you need to own a car? You could hire them when necessary and having a licence opens up your employment options - some jobs come with a company vehicle either as a perk or if the job involves a lot of travel.

Oh, I do rent a car every now and then. I was mainly referring to the 'freedom' argument. I feel like a rental wouldn't really play into that. But yeah. This thread is very odd in general.

@Rewis

It was a real eye opener to see how car dependent we are and how brainwashed we are.

The dependency is quite interesting. Me and a former colleague lived in buildings next to each other. Her car was going to a shop and she had to take annual leave cause she was unable to get to work the next day. It was either 30min walk, 15-20min cycle ride, £10 taxi and the busses went directly to the office every 20min. It was interesting to listen to her complain how she has to waste annual leave cause she couldn't get to work.

I do think having a car has it's benefits. Having a driver's license has it's benefits. But I also don't think it's such a huge deal. People whose lifestyle requires a car and a license should get one. Those who don't, they can still live satisfying life.

When I said “we”, I meant the bloke and me, not tout le monde.

It really annoys me when think associate being an adult and being able to drive are the same thing.

Loads of idiot teenagers get licenses at 17 and do not behave like adults.

Loads of adults live in large cities with no parking spaces and completely sufficient public transport. They're responsible, some are parents, some are doctors and teachers and all of those kind of jobs with enormous responsibilities.

Fine to moan about your son relying on you for lifts but posters saying people who can't drive not being attractive partners or not grown up is very narrow minded. I bet if you did a random survey of people walking around London and asked them if they can drive or own a car, you would open your eyes a bit. They are probably more adult in you in the fact they don't automatically judge somebody for making a decision to live differently than you do.

Nothing wrong with not being able to drive, wrong to expect others to be at your beck and call to take you places.

There are a lot of people who have a licence who in my opinion should not, probably about a quarter of all drivers.

Agreed. I find it bizarre that you can take the test as many times as you like and people will encourage you to keep trying. Imagine if you failed the test to operate any other piece of machinery four or five times - people would politely but firmly tell you to stop flogging a dead horse.

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Agreed. I find it bizarre that you can take the test as many times as you like and people will encourage you to keep trying. Imagine if you failed the test to operate any other piece of machinery four or five times - people would politely but firmly tell you to stop flogging a dead horse.

Imagine your airline pilot announcing they passed each assessment on the 5/6th time!

I know a middle aged man who won’t drive and he expects his wife to ferry him around. Pathetic.
These men shouldn’t be enabled by their well meaning womenfolk.

@CatbearAmo

It really annoys me when think associate being an adult and being able to drive are the same thing.

Loads of idiot teenagers get licenses at 17 and do not behave like adults.

Loads of adults live in large cities with no parking spaces and completely sufficient public transport. They're responsible, some are parents, some are doctors and teachers and all of those kind of jobs with enormous responsibilities.

Fine to moan about your son relying on you for lifts but posters saying people who can't drive not being attractive partners or not grown up is very narrow minded. I bet if you did a random survey of people walking around London and asked them if they can drive or own a car, you would open your eyes a bit. They are probably more adult in you in the fact they don't automatically judge somebody for making a decision to live differently than you do.

beautiful post, don't know how anyone could argue with this.

And, improving public transport everywhere outside the major towns & cities is economically impossible. It's nonsensical to provide comprehensive buses 24/7 in less densely populated areas. It's economies of scale again. If there are enough people to justify a service, then by all means, provide the service. But if there aren't, then other options are needed, like cars!

Nobody is saying public transport in rural areas should be the same as that available in major cities, or that no-one should drive. However, it is well within our capabilities to improve the public transport currently available in rural areas of the UK and actually would benefit the economy and the environment to do so. That's not to say I suddenly expect District Nurses in rural areas to be tied to bus times. I do however think that the young and elderly, and indeed anyone else who wants to travel to nearby towns and cities during normal business hours, should be able to do so with some frequency. They manage this in other countries with similar population densities. Heck, we managed it in this one until relatively recently.

Imagine your airline pilot announcing they passed each assessment on the 5/6th time!

Poor Martin Crieff. /Cabin Pressure geek joke/

I agree with Ferrying around I wouldn't do it. But you can't force someone to get a licence. They may not feel confident on the road. My friend pushed n pushed her partner to take a test because he would spend all day on trains and buses. He put it off and didn't want to they split up over it three times because of her pressure. He didn't want to drive he wasn't interested in been on the road. He however have up fighting and sat his test failed three times due to feeling nervous then eventually got it. First journey he went out on a lorry driver beeping his horn and been poorly confident he swerved the car startled down an embankment. It was only after he was told he wouldn't walk again he left her for good telling her "I should have been man enough to stand up to you, I told you I wasn't confident driving and didn't want to and now I've paid the price". He was nervous because he remembered been nearly hit as a child by a delivery van who had blasted his horn. The lorry drivers horn had triggered panic. You don't know why he doesn't want to drive. By all means refuse to ferry him around and make it clear if he chooses not to drive he needs to us public transport or other ways. But do not demand he has to have a licence. I also disagree about a car been everything. I'm in a wheelchair and my husband got a car to make things easier. Honestly I had more independance before. I travelled everywhere by public transport despite my wheelchair now I feeling lazy because we drive to nearest shop which is only a mile away just because we have the car. Prior to the car an appointment would take most the day to get there n back but I got out I talked to people I went for coffee now I go to appointment and return back.

You are unreasonable to expect him to drive, if he doesn't want to. You are not being unreasonable to refuse to ferry him around, however. I'm 45, neurodiverse and don't drive due to this. I did fail the test 5 times as a teenager so I did try (very hard). A few judgemental comments about non-drivers here. People need to develop more of an understanding that not everyone has the same needs or abilities as they do. At the same time I take responsibility for my own limitations and try to get round them. I pay for taxis for journeys I cannot make on public transport with the money I save on not owning a car.

I’m always a teeny bit skeptical when people say they never in their entire life have or will ask for a lift off someone. You’ve never been a car with anyone?!

@Rewis

Until you drive you don’t realise what you are missing out on. You will never know the freedom it gives you.

But then you'd also need a car. It's an expensive device to keep just to have the option to drive.

There are car clubs where you pay a membership fee and can hire a car by the hour or day whenever you need one.

I’m always a teeny bit skeptical when people say they never in their entire life have or will ask for a lift off someone. You’ve never been a car with anyone?!

Has anyone actually said that? Or have they said they don’t expect others to drive them about and don’t rely on lifts? Because these are two different things. I don’t think even people who can drive have never had a lift from anyone else. That doesn’t mean they expect it.

Every time you get in a car with someone do you check how many times they took there test? You may have been driven by someone who took six times to pass.

The things is you can't moan about bad/unsafe drivers on the road while at the same time expecting everyone (bar medical conditions) to drive.

Anxiety, poor hand/eye coordination, slow reflexes, a propensity to panic/freeze, small brain/eye irregularities etc all mean that while someone might be able to drive, that doesn't mean they are safe to do so.

There are car clubs where you pay a membership fee and can hire a car by the hour or day whenever you need one

It would be good if these were available everywhere and not just in the bigger towns and cities. We have two cars but we don't really need two and a car club would be ideal. It might also help families with grown-up kids who decide they need 4 cars in case all of them need a car at the same time, but could probably manage with 2 or 3 and a car club option.

Save on drive way space as well

I’m always a teeny bit skeptical when people say they never in their entire life have or will ask for a lift off someone. You’ve never been a car with anyone?!

How do those things equate?

Obviously if I’m visiting someone for the weekend and they say they want to drive somewhere for lunch or take a day trip, I won’t refuse to join them. But I’ve never contacted someone to ask them to come round and drive me somewhere.

Though I very rarely travel in cars at all.