Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

Its as though public transport doesn't exist

Public transport is EXTREMELY limited where I live, not quite "one bus every third Tuesday" but not far off.

@DeeTractor

It always amuses me on these threads that people are so lacking in imagination that they just cannot conceive that many people manage to cope perfectly well without a car. It's as though public transport doesn't exist. (Though I'm sure someone will be along to tell me they live in the middle of nowhere and there's only one bus every full moon.)

Though if the "non drivers need to grow up" brigade want to pay for my lessons, car, insurance and road tax then feel free. Otherwise shove your attitude up your arse.

I'm sure it's perfectly possible, in most cases, to manage without a car. The problem arises where someone will not learn to drive and then expects others to be a free taxi for them.

YANBU.

Unless you have a medical reason for not driving, it is a basic life skill that everyone should try to obtain.

My DP didn't learn to drive until his late 20s and I felt like his mum ferrying him around all the time. He hates driving, and I still have to drive all of the 'big' trips which is really annoying. I absolutely hate driving too, but I suck it up and do it.

@labyrinthloafer

I am very very much in favour of self-driving cars, as I do think I might need to drive when I am of retirement age.

Self driving cars will still require a licenced driver in control of the vehicle

I also know a few people who drive but will not drive on motorways, dual carriageways, outside the city in which they live or to a place they haven't travelled to before. It is ridiculous.

@Coffeepot72

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

I'm not sure I can roll my eyes hard enough for this comment. FFS.

There's nothing wrong with with not being able to drive per se. Particularly if you live in an inner city area with good public transport links etc it may genuinely not be worth the hassle of paying for lessons, a car, insurance, MOTs, servicing etc. Some people as well just don't like driving due to anxiety, or have medical issues which means they can't drive.

However I do think it takes the piss when people don't drive and expect lifts and ferrying about all the time. I have a friend who can be a bit like this and it's irksome.

"The problem arises where someone will not learn to drive and then expects others to be a free taxi for them."

So the issue is that "someone" is just selfish and is probably selfish in other areas of their life. They wouldn't become a generous saint by the virtue of learning to drive.

Self driving cars will still require a licenced driver in control of the vehicle

My backseat driving skills will hold me in good stead!

LEFT! RIGHT! SLOW DOWN! You DON'T need to overtake. It won't make your penis grow you know!

It's absolutely not unreasonable not to learn to drive. It's unreasonable to take advantage of other people because you don't drive.

This. In an ideal world, we wouldn't be anything like as car-dependent as we are. However, particularly in rural areas, we now depend on cars to access many places.

I learned to drive in my 20s and then had a gap of almost 20 years when I didn't drive because I hate doing it. I cycled a lot, which kept me extremely fit and has given me an excellent ability to read the road. However a couple of years ago I started dating someone who drives and he wanted to visit places further away than he could comfortably cycle and we live rurally, so very limited public transport. Once it became clear that the relationship would be more long term I decided to start driving again because I didn't want the kind of relationship where one of you drives and the other chooses not to. I don't mean the other cannot drive for whatever reason, I mean can, or could learn, but doesn't. So I'm now driving again which does make things easier for both of us.

Thing is though OP you have enabled your son for many years - it is going to take time for him to change.

But OP you're going to get all these people piling on saying:

1. By not driving they're single-handedly saving the planet.
2. That they live in central London and nobody drives.
3. That they manage perfectly well on the bus/train.

Central London

Yes believe it or there is also public transport in zone 6, you know.

Speaking as a Londoner, people who insist on driving everywhere are a pain. I even sometimes used to get people phoning me at work to ask where they could park, in the middle of the West End. Erm, get the tube? (And before anyone says it, I am well aware that public transport isn't suitable for people with various disabilities, but let's face it - 99% of people are perfectly capable of using public transport).

Having said that - on the rare occasion when I need to shift a load of boxes and stuff about, I pay for a mini cab. Whenever we move house, we hire a man with a van.

And sorry to say it OP, but your DS's wife is enabling the situation by continuing to give him lifts.

Nothing wrong with not driving - it's the wanting ferried around that's wrong. My DP never learned to drive. No medical reason, it just doesn't interest him at all. He doesn't ask me to drive him anywhere and uses public transport to get somewhere if I'm not going.

I think everyone should learn to drive. Whether they then actually do drive is up to them, but they are able to do it should circumstances occur where it’s needed.

I don't think you can knock people for not driving, but you don't need to give them lifts.

I do have some sympathy for non-drivers when it's due to fear and/or medical conditions because all the ones I know are extremely apologetic (which they don't need to be) and they know that even though there is no expectation that they should be able to drive, they are essentially putting other people out because:

• meeting up is focused on places they can get to;
• public transport delays impact quite often;
• it would feel really churlish not to collect/drop them home again;
• when other people in a group can all do something and you can't - you feel it, and so do they.

.
OP, you're definitely not unreasonable to refuse your adult son chauffeur service any longer. He's selfish not to consider the risks to his wife and I think you were right to mention that to him too; you're his mother.

The issue is not that he doesn't drive, the issue is that he expects lifts/is lazy with it.

I don't drive. I take the train,bus, walk, get taxies etc.

Sometimes i get lifts, but only if someone offers and I buy them drinks/food/give them cash/whatever in return.

I never make plans with the expectation of a lift, if I get one it's nice but I always have plan A(and B and C because I'm a neurotic control freak😬).

I don’t blame you op.

@Armi

I think everyone should learn to drive. Whether they then actually do drive is up to them, but they are able to do it should circumstances occur where it’s needed.

Who would pay for the driving lessons for those that couldn’t afford it?

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

Yep, my first serious boyfriend didn't drive. It was what broke us up. I was fed up with ferrying him around all the time. It was just about OK on dates and days out that benefited us both. But as time passed, he started expecting me to pick him up from work, take him shopping, take him to "boy's" pub nights etc. It really clouded my view of him and took away the "manly" attributes.

@Armi

I think everyone should learn to drive. Whether they then actually do drive is up to them, but they are able to do it should circumstances occur where it’s needed.

Right, so people who would be bad drivers should get a licence, never drive, then start driving in a circumstance where it's needed. So, an emergency then? Because taking a bad driver with limited experience and putting them into a highly stressful scenario isn't at all dangerous for everyone else on the roads...

Not everyone needs to drive. They just need a way of transporting themselves to places that doesn't involve relying on friends and relatives. I hear if you pay a taxi driver money, they will drive you places, and won't begrudge you for not having a licence, because ferrying you about is their actual job. Hey, that could be a solution?

No idea, Arrietty-Jones. Just musing - it’s not a fully costed out suggested government policy. Just an idea.

@Badbadbunny

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

Yep, my first serious boyfriend didn't drive. It was what broke us up. I was fed up with ferrying him around all the time. It was just about OK on dates and days out that benefited us both. But as time passed, he started expecting me to pick him up from work, take him shopping, take him to "boy's" pub nights etc. It really clouded my view of him and took away the "manly" attributes.

I think that explains why non-drivers often pair up together TBH. V strange to equate a driving license to “manliness”.

@labyrinthloafer

I am very very much in favour of self-driving cars, as I do think I might need to drive when I am of retirement age.

I read that you’d still need a licence as you might have to take over the controls.

You're being completely unreasonable.

When will not driving shaming end!? The world doesn't need another car on the road. More emissions. Cars are money pits.

I am 50 and due to so much pressure i spent a fortune on driving lessons and tests. Eventually passed the fourth time. Now I can't afford a car because of the ludicrous amount of money insurance companies would want from me. The whole thing is pointless. I live near several bus routes. I get my shopping delivered. I can walk. I can run. I would never be stupid enough to move to a rural area. But other than that, I get by fine. I just can't believe that this form of shaming still goes on! REGULARLY on mumsnet!

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

I don't care if I get shot down for it - I would not be interested in a man who couldn't drive (unless for legitimate health reasons). It would be a deal breaker for me.

A relative is 40 and can't drive and has refused to learn. Which wouldn't be so bad if he was self-sufficient but for quite a few years in his early 30s he was depending on his dad (who was in his late 60s and in poor health) to drive him to and from work every day.