Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:
WaffleCash · 20/07/2020 12:53

Whilst people are very keen to point out 'oh, i don't mean people who can't drive for medical reasons' it doesn't make non-drivers for medical reasons feel less shit when people say
"I wouldn’t have dated anyone who couldn’t drive"
"Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh*

ParisCactus · 20/07/2020 12:55

I'm married to one and I hate it. All the times when I'm busy doing something and then a child suddenly needs to be picked up from somewhere and I have to drop everything ... all the late nights ditto when it's me who has to stay up or get up..... it's really, really annoying. He has a license but was in a serious car crash as a young man (before I knew him) and is very nervous. He rarely asks me for lifts but I do wonder what will happen when his parents get old and have medical appointments - or if I were to break my leg or get ill and need ferrying to hospital.

crosseyedMary · 20/07/2020 12:55

I can't bear drivers who whine about giving lifts
Catti, has a valid point in many ways OP you are in the wrong because you are complaining about doing something that you are under no obligation to actually do
stop complaining just say no
I also think it's a bad idea to to share your views on whether or not his wife should drive, don't engage with either of them at all on the issue of driving, it's their choice leave them to it.

Badbadbunny · 20/07/2020 12:55

And it's not even that people expect to be driven that's an issue for me, cos you know, I'm gonna drive there myself, taking people in a car is no problem. In most other situations where you do favours for others that's a 2 way street.

This is the thing. People expect you to go out of your way to accommodate them. In a previous job (auditor), we had to go to work at client's premises. Most of us had cars, but a couple didn't. They both lived in the back of beyond and expected us to pick them up and drop them off - they had all kinds of excuse why they couldn't walk or get a bus to the main road. In the end, we started planning staffing to avoid them and then they started whingeing that they always got the "boring" office based jobs and their "career prospects" were being hampered because they weren't getting the same exposure to different kinds of work. Well, tough, the rest of us were fed up of pandering to them.

HisNibs · 20/07/2020 12:56

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh

Quite an ignorant comment there really. Like many things in life, driving is a skill, a very useful one but not everyone has the aptitude for it. That's like saying that you're less of a person if you can't drive, that there is something wrong with you. I drive, have done for over 30 years but know people the same age who just haven't got to grips with it. Do I think less of them? Of course not.

If people don't want to obtain a driving licence that's completely fine providing they take responsibility for their own travel arrangements and not place expectations on others.

Op, you're not unreasonable to refuse to be your DS's chauffeur

crosseyedMary · 20/07/2020 12:57

What will happen when his parents get old and have medical appointments
When his parents make their plans for their later years they will do so in the knowledge that their son does not drive and they will have to find other ways to manage their medical needs.
No one is obliged to be someone else's chauffeur!

MirandaGoshawk · 20/07/2020 12:58

I hate driving. I avoid it where possible and get the train. Where that's impractical I do it because it gives me freedom but I'm never comfortable with piloting a heap of metal around with a load of other people doing the same thing, at speed. But I think you are totally unreasonable to say that anyone - men, women, old or young, should learn to do it. He should pay for taxies, though, or get the train. It is BU for him to expect you to drive him. Stop doing it!

daisypond · 20/07/2020 12:58

We don’t have a car and live in a city, so no need. I’ve asked if my 20-year-old wants lessons, but she sees no point really. It’s extremely expensive to learn and we have no car to practise in, and there’s just no need.

EricLove123 · 20/07/2020 12:59

Why would someone that can't drive 'need to have a word with themselves'?

A word about what?

Alondra · 20/07/2020 12:59

*Why? I can't drive. I've never needed to - I live close to town and I get a train/other public transport if I need to go further. I don't ask anyone for lifts. What word do I need to have with myself?

(I will learn eventually before I have kids - but at the moment, who cares?)*

The thing is that the longer you drive the more difficult will be driving with confidence. It takes youth to have a healthy dose of "fearlessness" on the road .....the older you are, the more conservative and safety conscious you are. Whilst being safe is a good thing it's also a handicap - you are more scared of driving than when you are very young and you are less inclined to drive long distances or to places you don't know.

I learned to drive in my 40s as I always lived in a big city with great public transport and didn't need it. It wasn't until I moved to more rural area than it became a necessity. I passed on my first try....but even today, years later, I don't have the confidence to drive to unknown places many young people with less experience than me have.

If you have the money to learn, get your license and start driving. It's incredibly freeing having your own wheels to more around.

crosseyedMary · 20/07/2020 13:01

The only good thing about lock down was the reduction in traffic and the cleaner air
I hate cars, they are filthy, they kill and maim
imagine how lovely the landscape would be free of all those big ugly heaps of metal strewn everywhere you look

FortunesFave · 20/07/2020 13:01

I can't drive at almost 50. It's due to anxiety. I am so tired of people saying "Oh you should learn"

Just fuck off with it.

Unlike your son I don't expect anyone to ferry me about. I happily catch public transport and walk.

I don't CARE if people think I'd feel great about it...I don't CARE if "I'd love it once I did it"

I don't want to.

stretchedmarks · 20/07/2020 13:01

I wouldn't date someone who couldn't drive unless they had a very valid reason for it (medical/financial or we lived somewhere like London).

You can be damn sure I wouldn't be setting myself up for a lifetime of ferrying him around. Same applies to my children, too. I have no issue in helping them out financially to get their test passed and get a car, but if they're 18 and just can't be arsed learning (again- no valid reason not to), then they better get used to getting a bus everywhere very quickly.

I don't think you were in the wrong to 'interfere' either. It's actually refreshing that someone's MIL takes the inititive to call out their own child on their bullshit. He can huff all he likes but if he wants to go to places further away than a bus or train route, he needs to either learn to drive, or learn to accept he can't go there.

I'd also imagine his mates are a bit fed up with playing taxi driver to him constantly, too. Even if you offer fuel money, eventually it gets a bit grating.

claragolightly · 20/07/2020 13:02

It's a total pain in the neck. My partner won't drive (he has a license), so I end up taxi-ing round all the time. It's especially annoying when I'm away for the weekend and he can't do the supermarket shop, or when we're on holiday and I'm the one doing all the driving.

Claims he's too nervous. It's all about practice. I had to just get on with it, and it annoys me that he won't do likewise now, and wasn't made to when he was younger.

FortunesFave · 20/07/2020 13:03

imagine how lovely the landscape would be free of all those big ugly heaps of metal strewn everywhere you look

I think this. Why do car owners think they have rights over pedestrians. They take up most of the street with their bloody cars.

We should just have buses and delivery vehicles and emergency vehicles and trains.

People who are disabled could have a car. Every other bugger can catch a bus. They'd have to lay loads more on but it would still work out better for the environment.

Coffeepot72 · 20/07/2020 13:04

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

DeeTractor · 20/07/2020 13:04

It always amuses me on these threads that people are so lacking in imagination that they just cannot conceive that many people manage to cope perfectly well without a car. It's as though public transport doesn't exist. (Though I'm sure someone will be along to tell me they live in the middle of nowhere and there's only one bus every full moon.)

Though if the "non drivers need to grow up" brigade want to pay for my lessons, car, insurance and road tax then feel free. Otherwise shove your attitude up your arse.Smile

wanderings · 20/07/2020 13:04

Some of these non-drivers are channeling their inner Greta. When Backchat on teletext was a thing (remember, in the 1990s?), some teenagers said "I will not learn to drive, because of the Environment." (It was "the environment" and "the ozone layer" before "climate change" became fashionable.) Blue Peter said: "It is hard for poor old adults to change their ways, and start using cars less. But children can get them to do it!"

Tony Bliar: "Don't use your car, because I'm going to tax you out of it. Actually, on second thoughts, please do, so I can track every mile that you drive with my new toy: car tax by GPS."
Boris the clown: "Don't use public transport."

Cattiwampus · 20/07/2020 13:04

What will happen when his parents get old and have medical appointments?

They’ll do what mine did, get public transport or a taxi. If we’re being judgy, I worked from 7.30-5.30 and couldn’t just take time off for elderly parents’ medical appointments.

NancyPickford · 20/07/2020 13:04

You are perfectly reasonable to finally stop being his chauffeur, especially with your health conditions (and being on tramadol) plus it's a huge ask expecting you to do a 7 hour drive. My conscience would be quite clear saying 'no more'.

AliceinBunnyland · 20/07/2020 13:05

The fact he is a man is irrelevant but I agree with the principle of not having to fetch and carry someone because they can't drive.

It's a person's own choice whether or not to learn to drive but then they alone should bear the consequences of not driving - pay for taxis, get public transport or simply miss out on certain things.

crosseyedMary · 20/07/2020 13:06

Car = carnage
dirty smelly ugly noisy carnage

earlydoors42 · 20/07/2020 13:07

My ex husband had passed his test but refused to drive. He made me drive everywhere, even when I was exhausted with babies. He refused to stay awake to keep me company (even when I begged as I was scared I would fall asleep). He wouldn't let me choose the music - when I put it on, he put his mp3 player on with headphones. And he never once said thank you to me - though he would thank taxi drivers profusely.

As I say.... EX husband! He has a new fiancee now ferrying him around and my daughter reports that she said thank you to this woman but her dad did not.

Deedoubleyou · 20/07/2020 13:08

Your son sounds like a tosser tbh but it's nothing to do with being able to drive or not. We live an a city so although we can drive we don't bother due to parking issues, environmental issues and public transport being far more convenient. However I would never expect anyone to ferry me around and obviously I would drive it I lived rurally and driving was the only way to get around.

Your son needs to grow up and drop expecting everyone to do for him, what he is unwilling to do for himself.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/07/2020 13:08

What will happen when his parents get old and have medical appointments?

I said - see! You should have let me learn to drive!